Transitions of an Overachiever

In Healing and Preparation

2011-07-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

It's now been almost five months since we lost our beloved little boy. I can't say that the time passed has made the hurt any less, but God has granted us some healing along the way. I hear his little voice much less frequently now. There's still times when I have such vivid dreams of him that I expect to wake up cuddled next to him. Lately I've been able to go into his room and lay on his bed again. I lay there and pray for him and think back to the days when I'd put him to bed and would be rejoicing and thanking God for finally filling that room. Now I wonder a lot about if that room will house another child of ours in the future.

About a month ago, I was finally able to change the sheets and move his stuffed dogs off the bed. It was such a hard time for me because the bed still smelled like him and was covered in little blond stray hairs. I broke down and sobbed like a baby into his pillow. My husband tried to console me, but no consolation was to be found. The pain of loosing him was revisited all over again that day. All his toys and clothes have been packed away into storage bins, minus his tricycle and Power Wheels. Those still reside in the room, but we'll be moving the toys into our storage building soon and the clothes will be moved into the nursery closet as soon as I clear that out. My husband was very adamantly against getting rid of anything that belonged to him. I'm so glad cause I don't know if I could part with anything. His belongings are the only the things we have to remind us of him. I have pictures and the clippings from his first hair cut too. One day I'll be able to put those in a scrapbook, but not now.

So as God has been healing our hearts from this loss, He's also been stirring my desire to have children again. I knew that those motherly feelings would never go away once I got the chance to be a mother. It's such a strong desire in my heart and my body. My cycles were perfect while we had our little boy. It's almost like the increased levels of my own oxytocin actually allowed my body to function normally. I had a lot of skin to skin contact with him, because there were times (night time specifically) when the only thing that would calm him would be to lay on my chest. I felt so whole and "warm and fuzzy" all the time we had him. Even in the normal frustrating times of raising a toddler, I was able to take a deep breath and just smile with pure joy inside. Chemically speaking that had to be due to my high levels of oxytocin and now that those feelings/oxytocin is gone my body has rebelled and stopped my cycles again. I know that no amount of science can explain the love a mother has for a child, but for me it just seems to make my body work right.

The hubby and I have been talking again about trying to conceive again. I'll be turning 30 next month (oh gracious how I dread that !) and it's time to get this TTC ball rolling again. Realistically I only have a few more childbearing years ahead and I'm not getting any younger. I have a doctors appointment next month and plan to get some further testing done to see where my PCOS is currently at. I don't know what my doctor will suggest, but at this point we're almost to the point of desperation. I don't plan to have IVF done, mostly because it's not something we can afford, but also because I still believe that God is able to allow us to conceive in a more natural way. The idea of taking fertility drugs has been thrown around in conversation. I simply cringe at the idea, but if that's what it takes to help my body get to where it should be to conceive we may just have to go that route.

Since last July, I've lost almost 50 lbs. I had hoped that weight loss would help my body to regulate itself and maybe it did for a few months. But now the harder I work out, the more muscle I gain, the more my body doesn't work right. I used my progesterone cream a few weeks ago for the first time since last year and the results were very minimum. In clinical terms it didn't work because it only produced spotting. In physical terms, it made me a super grouch, moody and slightly sick. I haven't felt the same since I took it. In the past, it's almost always worked. Now that I weigh less and my blood pressure and blood sugar is lower, it doesn't work anymore. I want to scream in frustration. Why does my body refuse to work correctly even when I'm healthier? I just don't know what to do anymore.

So in closing this babble, I'd just like to thank those who've prayed for us since loosing our little boy. Thank you all for your kind comments and for not immediately sharing your opinions and advice in the matter. I suspect that it'll be a long time before I can think of him without shedding a tear, but we are healing from it all. Our hearts are open to receiving another child in our lives, albeit not by adoption (not sure if we'll be able to do that again). Again thank you for being so supportive.

~Melody

P.S. If anyone comes across any research on the oxytocin connection to PCOS, please send it my way. I've been doing my own research but haven't found anything yet. This is something I'm going to ask my doctor about as well....even if he might think it's crazy. Who knows I may have found the missing link?

To You

2011-04-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

To My Sweet Little Boy,
Today we would have celebrated our first Easter together. I would have dressed you up like a handsome little man in the adorable outfit that now hangs empty in your closet. We would have went to church and celebrated this beautiful Resurrection Day of our Lord and Savior. Your daddy and I would have been overjoyed watching you hunt for Easter Eggs in our yard and would have shared some yummy treats together. We would have celebrated the wonderful life that God had so richly blessed us with. I wanted so much to celebrate you.
Unfortunately for reasons beyond my control, you are not with us now. I still mourn your loss, but I know that God still takes care of you. He still holds you even though I can't any longer. I love you my dear child, more than I could have possibly even dreamed of loving a child. You are forever a part of me.

Love you always,
Momma

By Grace Alone Giveaway - Winner Announced

2011-04-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

LOL at the expression on my face in the screen capture.

Divine Grace

2011-04-22T00:22:00.000-07:00

Grace....where do I even begin? When questioned about grace, most Christians would give a blanket answer about the gift of God's grace and how that makes their salvation possible. While this is very true, as you might have figured, I'm no ordinary Christian with a blanket answer. I feel impressed to share my personal experiences with grace.

Webster's defines grace as (noun)

1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

2a : approval, favor graces> b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege grace, shall rule his heritage — Rudyard Kipling> d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption : reprieve

Whether we realize or not, we all first learn grace from our mothers; mothers who gave us their all when we had nothing to give back in return. Mothers (and I'm speaking about those who are truly mothers, not just by biology) personify grace not only in terms of discipline matters, but also emotionally. From them we learn to deal with our thoughts and emotions, how to have compassion and love for others and how to go to others for help when we need it. In those beginning years, a child teaches their parent things as well. Children move mothers to seek for God's grace and in turn teach their child. Bottom line....mothers teach us grace by example.

If you are a member of my generation, chances are you either are from a home of divorce/single parent or had someone very close to you that was from one such home. My parents split up when I was around age 13, which is a very pivotal time in a young woman's life. I was always an old soul and mature beyond my years, but no amount of maturity can prepare a young teen for a life of brokeness. I know that the situation was not in my realm of control or responsibilty, but that didn't change its effect on me. I imagine that I've blocked out most of the memories of that time for a reason, but what I do remember is feeling lost.

I was looking for that grace that I'd been taught about at church. Grace was a concept to me at that time, but not a reality. Often times we have to experience something before God can teach us. We humans are quite stubborn...well I am anyway. I fought back at God pretty hard for several years. All throughout those years He granted me the grace I needed though; showing me the whole time how God's grace differs from human grace. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back I can see many times when His divine grace covered my complete stupidity. I was reckless with that grace and I pushed those limits far too often, yet somehow He held me tightly and never left me.

Shortly after high school, I got married, which was no small miracle. I'd said for years that I would never repeat my parents mistakes. *chuckles* I thought that meant that I'd be single for the rest of my life and have children either by adoption or IVF (yes I had a "plan" even then). I won't go into the whole story, but the short version is that after getting married I was suddenly very ill. I went through many doctors, hospital stays, medications, treatments and sadly lost pregnancies before discovering that I had PCOS. PCOS had been with me all along, but I didn't recognize it till it had taken a toll on my body and almost striped me of my sanity. God's grace alone spared my life. There were many times when I was so sick that I wanted to die. I didn't have the drive to even live the life I'd always dreamed about. Depression and illness had me bound.

I was bound until that one day....the one day that God showed me what His grace for me meant. I was delirious with pain and the stress of it all was actually inducing random seizures. Many memories are fuzzy of that time, but I remember this one day plainly. I was laying on my bed and I heard my husband calling my name. He was trying to bring me out of one of my 'spells'. I could hear the fear in his voice, but I couldn't shake the loosing control feeling that swept over me. Miraculously strength came to me out of nowhere and I was able to sit up. My vision had been blurry that day, but suddenly I had clarity in one circular area above the door that led to my bathroom. I don't remember why but my husband went and opened that door. As he joined me at my bedside, my focus went back to that spot on the doorway. Plain as day I saw a very small, child size being peaking around the top of the door. Granted my brain was still coming around from a seizure, I do believe this was a God-inspired moment and the being was in fact an angel. I watched as this little angel came through the doorway. I remember that I felt so loved at that moment. An incredible flood of peace filled my soul and I felt as if I'd been rescued from the middle of the ocean. I never heard anything audible and no the ground didn't shake or light didn't blind me from above. The only thing I saw was a child size angel who smiled at me. The being had light brown shoulder length hair and eyes that sparkled. But oh the smile....the smile was what let me know that God was not finished with me. He had granted me that grace again to make it through this difficulty. This time God allowed me to feel His grace.

To quickly finish this bit of my story, that was the last day I ever had one of those seizures. Shortly after that day, I was able to take control back from the doctors for my healthcare. With God's guidance, I purged my body of the medications that had caused me such harm. Within a year of that day, I was back to the road of recovery, but only because of God's grace. This was nothing that I did. See we don't earn God's grace and we can't replicate it either. No word that I've ever encountered could adequately describe such a grace like God's divine grace.

There's a lot more to my story; more times of joy and many more times of sadness, grief and loss. There are many unknowns in my life. But there's one thing I'm always certain of....God's wonderful undeniable Grace carries me through every moment. When I get caught up in my thoughts and feelings, I need only to think back to the lessons about grace that God has allowed me to live. I pray that you don't have to live out the same sort of life lessons that God has chosen for me, but if you should find yourself deep in the land of no-mercy, I pray that you will recognize this amazing grace we are celebrating at this time of year.

~*Melody

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me" 1 Corinthians 15:10 NKJV

By Grace Alone - Review

2011-04-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I was sent an invitation to do some product reviews for (in)courage and Dayspring. I sent my choice and application in and hadn't heard a word from them. Honestly I'd forgotten all about it until I found a lovely surprise in my mailbox late last week. Here's what came to my home to review...

Photo Directly From the Product Page

This beautiful set designed by Melissa Reagan came all individually wrapped. The necklace and earrings were in nice black velvet bags. The bracelet came in a small box. As you can see each one features the "by Grace alone" stamping based on 1 Corinthians 15:10. The back of the necklace is inscribed with the scripture reference.

My initial reaction (after the surprise of course) was how nicely this set was made. The scripture was right on time and I've been meditating on that particular passage most of the week.

Positives: It's nice and sturdy, but not too heavy. The metal is smooth and has a handmade quality to the edging. The metal doesn't smell at all, which is personally a huge issue for me. I've worn the necklace for several hours at a time and there's no sign of any discoloration to my skin. The earrings hang about mid-neck on me, so they are a decent size dangle. The welds on the bracelet seem to be very solid. I especially love that the necklace can be worn with either side facing out.

Negatives: The bracelet didn't even come close to fitting my wrist. In fairness, I do have a large wrist and don't normally wear bracelets. The earrings are not heavy, but they are heavier than I usually wear for earrings that dangle. I might wear these to church or to dinner for a few hours, but take them out when I got home.

In Conclusion: If you are looking for a nice gift set for yourself or someone special, I'd encourage you to consider this set as well as the many others you'll find at Daysprings. It was a pleasure and an honor to have the opportunity to review this set.

Oh and here's a coupon code to help if you decide to purchase. Receive free shipping on $25+ order. Coupon code: shipping25 through 06/09/2011

Photo Directly From the Product Page

GIVEAWAY: Since I'm not able to wear this beautiful bracelet, I'd like to pass it along to one of you. Here's a couple ways to enter.

1) Leave a comment below about how the grace of God has impacted your life. (I plan to write on this later this week. )

2) Become a blog follower with Google Friend Connect (in the right hand bar). You can follow either this blog or my creative blog Creative Radiance Designs

3) Follow Creative Radiance Designs over on Facebook.

Simply leave those in a comment below. Drawing will be closed Friday April 22nd at Midnight EST.

~*Melody*~

Disclosure: I was provided the above products for free with only the request to share my thoughts about them with my blog readers. I'm under no obligation to give a positive review of the product or the company. These words are my honest opinions.

The Winter

2011-04-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine wrote the following statement in a recent blog post. "I couldn’t open up my bible because I was too distracted with all that was running through my head. I couldn’t sit with Him in adoration for fear of breaking down and crying. It was too much to bear." I was so inspired after reading this that I just had to write about my own personal struggle.

I identify well with this statement, but haven't been honest enough to write about it yet. It's been a long process of healing for me and I'm just now able to sit through a church service without balling my eyes out. I'm slowly getting back into the Word too.

I've never experienced a time like this before; a time filled with complete hopelessness and confusion. It was more than a time filled with various emotions, but a state of mind fueled by pure pain and agony. I don't believe I ever questioned God about why He allowed this to happen. More so I questioned how it all could happen. I questioned my own connection with God and even my sanity. There were many moments when I felt that I could never go on in the same way again. It was truly as if someone had ripped out part of me and tossed it out. Vulnerable and alone are two words that don't carry enough meaning to describe what I was feeling. Loosing a child in this way has been much harder than having one of our biological children die inside of me. I NEVER thought I'd be able to say something was harder than loosing my children, but that's now a dark reality.

I don't feel guilty for not being able to read the Word or spend quality time with Him. God knows when our hearts are burdened down beyond what we can bare. Yes we should go running straight to Him immediately, but there are times when this vessel of clay is too fragile to move. I've been in that very fragile state, not just afraid to move, but unable to move. Grief is very powerful, but it's also very necessary. If I didn't allow myself to grieve and cope, there's no way I'd be able to continue, much less keep a healthy relationship with God.

So where does this all leave me now, well I'm beginning to come out of this dark time. I'm now able to turn to God throughout the day just like I use to and scripture now has meaning to me again. I see Him everywhere I look. The physical spring has now come and so has my spiritual spring. So long winter...I'm ready to grow and move past the cold and death of winter.

Life As I've Known It

2011-04-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

As I wrote in the last post, life has been dramatically different for me over the past few months. I took an online hiatus in August because our home was finally blessed with a child. We picked up our dear sweet 18 month old from a very abusive situation one hot rainy August evening. It was very sudden and completely unplanned, but quite possibly the highlight of my entire life. This little boy filled our hearts and our home very quickly. We were in hopes that we'd get to give him a permanent home. We'd spoken with various people in social services about adoption and thought we were well on our way there. Unfortunately on Valentine's Day, only a few days before his second birthday, social services called me into their office under the false pretense of discussing some paperwork but instead took our beloved little boy away from us. We were understandably devastated and completely heartbroken.

We know that he was given back to his biological mother and taken to a local homeless shelter. She had nothing for him and he only left with the clothes on his back. I can't let my mind think about it too much now, but the thing that tore me up the worst was knowing how confused he must have been. My husband and I were the only stable parents he'd ever known. We were his parents for a little over 6 months and as a mother I hurt deeply for him, along with my own personal pain.

Just as quickly as we became parents, we weren't parents anymore. I still consider myself that little boy's mother, no matter what biology says. I'll always hold his heart in mine, just as I have for the many other children who've came and left our lives. There have been many dark days and nights since he left us, but God has began healing my heart again.

I hope to be able to share my joys as a mother in the coming weeks. There are lots of memories that will cherish till the day I die. Being that little boy's mother, no matter how short lived, was the greatest experience of my life.

~Melody

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me" 1 Corinthians 15:10 NKJV

Realize I've Been Very Absent

2011-01-31T11:23:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long absence. I've had a ton of life happen since last writing here. From my Mammaw's sudden heart illness and hospitalization, to her breast cancer and treatments and now to a very life altering event for me personally. I do plan to write about all these things very soon. I need a place to document this very dramatic time in my life.

I also plan to go back to a private blog for a while. My story is very personal and I need to know who's out there reading it all. Sorry if this is a pain, but please leave a comment here if you'd like to be added to my reader list. I have a few of my friends listed already.

I hope and pray that your 2011 is off to a great start. And I hope to reconnect with my (former) blog readers.

Blessings,
~*Melody*~

Running

2010-04-27T23:32:00.000-07:00

"Its so easy to run FROM God, but so hard to run TO God. I'm going to pray that God gives you that last bit of courage and passion to draw you right to the place where He wants you."

I wrote these words to a friend tonight and God struck a cord in my heart. "What are you running from child? Why must you take the easy way when I've called you into the difficult?"

Talk about knock my breath away for a second! I would never call my life easy, but what does God see that I don't? Am I making decisions in life because they are easy or because they are what God wants me to do? At the moment, I can't answer that question with a definitive answer.

Philippians 2:5-8 (NKJV) says this...

⁵ Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, ⁶ who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, ⁷ but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and⁸ And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. coming in the likeness of men.

This scripture was the first one I saw today and it was the one I needed. Jesus was God in the flesh. He knew all and was (and is) all powerful. Jesus could have done anything He wanted while in the fleshly body. Yet He chose to take the difficult path. He chose to become a servant to man. And He chose to be obedient to the point of death on the cross. It wasn't easy for Jesus to give up His will and lay it all down for us. None of the suffering Jesus endured was easy or okay for him, yet He went through it anyway.

When I think of the suffering I've experienced, I should remember the suffering that Christ chose to go through for me. It's honestly often hard for me to think that Jesus knew the kind of suffering I've experienced. How did he know the emptiness of my arms? How did he know what it's like to have a child die inside his body? But when I really think about it, Jesus chose to live a life alone, without a helpmate, without a wife. Jesus never knew the joy of holding his own flesh and blood in his arms. I know the Bible doesn't mention his thoughts on this, but I do imagine that being human he felt the absence of that special family bond. I know that He knew all our pains and I believe that He knows mine too. When Jesus went to pray in the garden of Gethsemane, He prayed so hard that His sweat became as blood. Can you imagine someone praying that hard for you? To know that He was praying for the coming days and all of us is more than I can even comprehend. It's no wonder that His whole body was affected. While He was suffering being beaten, carrying that cross, and finally dying, I was on His mind. All the pain and shame I've been through was on His mind. My Jesus ran straight into the difficult and the impossible, not because He wanted to, but because He knew we needed Him to. He not only became our salvation, but He showed the Way.

*taking a moment to let that sink in*

Lord,

Examine my heart and mind. Show me the Way....the way of Your plan, the way of my specific path. Help me to run to You, God. I'm much too weak and weary from this journey. I feel my strength is almost gone. Be the strength and the courage I need. Help me to put the easy way out of my mind. Give my heart the urgency I once had. Return to me Lord the complete joy of my salvation. I desire to see You vividly again. Forgive me for running in any direction other than You. Thank you Lord for never leaving my side and awakening my spirit.

In Jesus Name....AMEN

For anyone reading this, be blessed today and know that you have the power to choose which direction you'll run.

~*Melody*~

God Has a Way...

2010-02-13T12:05:00.000-08:00

God has a way of working out things in our lives. For a while now, I have been planning on writing a resignation letter to the Women's Ministry Team at my church. I had decided that I wanted to concentrate solely on youth ministry. I couldn't adequately do what I felt I needed to in both ministries, so I went with the one where I felt like God wanted me to be. I do desire to do some women's ministry, but at this time, I feel like God wants me to stay working with my middle school girls.

I waited and waiting writing that letter though. I'm not sure if it was just mere procrastination, fear of confrontation or maybe I was actually waiting on God, but in any case, I'm glad that I waited. This past Sunday I was handed a thank you card and a flower for my service over the past year by the women's director. Apparently God had been working behind the scenes and the women's ministry was completely dissolved (in the form that it had been). So now I don't have to worry about writing a letter of resignation, there's nothing to resign from.

Isn't it strange and great at the same time when God takes care of things for you? I mean, we all say that we trust Him to do just that, but do we really? Do we really trust that God will handle things for us? Even the things that are the most uncomfortable? I've been teaching my middle school girls about the different themes of the Bible. We've been studying about how God cares, comforts and takes care of us. This past week we were reading Psalm 37 about how trusting God allows him to bring good to our lives.

Look at this...
³ Trust in the LORD, and do good;
         Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
⁴ Delight yourself also in the LORD,
         And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD,
         Trust also in Him,
         And He shall bring it to pass.
⁶ He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
         And your justice as the noonday.

⁷ Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;
         Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
         Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
⁸ Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
         Do not fret—it only causes harm.

Trusting and delighting in God brings us the desires of our heart. In contrast, anger, worry, or being unpleased with life only cause us harm. Could this mean that being discontented with life holds God back from bring blessings into our lives? Are we tying God's hands every time we complain or worry about our lives? Oh my, this really makes me think twice about how I perceive about things !

I was talking to my mom earlier this week about perspectives. We can look at things through a negative or a positive viewpoint. There's a mountain directly across from my driveway. On that mountain there's a wasteland of dead kudzu vines among the bare winter trees. But there's also some evergreens clinging to rich dark green leaves. I can choose to look at that mountain and only see dead things or I can choose to look and see that life is still present in the evergreen leaves. It's my choice what perspective I take, not just in matters of things I see, but also in how I choose to feel about things. What if we made the conscience choice to alter our viewpoints to the positive side? What if we found something purposeful or meaningful about everything we go through in our lives? Would God be able to move more effective in our lives? I'm inclined to think so.

Another thing that came to mind while I was talking to Mom was the differences between boundaries and limitations. Boundaries are set by God; ie right from wrong, black from white. Limitations are placed by man (often ourselves).....for nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37). We shouldn't allow man's limitations to hold us back from God's possibilities. Please join with me in not allowing your own perspectives, fears, worries or complaints to hold you back from experiencing God's best for you.

Photo 365: 2010

2010-02-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finally got caught up on posting all my Photo 365's to my Flickr page. You can now view them via my side bar. The pics began to take up my whole blog, so now they are all in one convenient place. If you'd like to see the pictures in a bigger size, just click on the word Flickr and it will take you directly to my page.

I'm not exactly sure my pictures are in order by day, because when I added a new memory card, my phone mixed them all up. But I almost certain that I'll be ok with that. ;-)

Ok I hope to be back this week with some actual posts. Life has me very busy lately and I haven't taken enough time to blog or write. I'd like to change that. Plus I'm dying to share some new design inspiration with you.

~*Melody*~

A Note From My Pastor

2010-02-02T11:33:00.001-08:00

Our church has been using Facebook a lot lately. It seems that people have really opened up to one another through this medium. While at first I thought it was quite strange that people could be so friendly online, I slowly came around to the idea. I questioned the validity of their friendship over and over, that is until I saw people actually communicating in real life. There's a wave of joy that's come over our congregation and honestly it's quite intoxicating. I have more desire to serve in the church again. I personally haven't gained any new friendships from any of this, but God has awakened the servant inside of me again.

Today I received the following message from my pastor in my inbox. He's been sending these out a couple times a week now for about a month. I thought I'd share his encouraging word for the day to you all as well.

~*Melody*~

------------------------
Encouraging Word
------------------------
Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing, we’re not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don’t maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don’t twist God’s Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God. 2 Corinthians 4: 1-2 The Message

It's amazing isn't it? When the whole truth is shared about what Jesus has done in you and I things really get exciting... What's happening in our families is nothing short of a miracle. It's not hype or exaggeration. We're putting Jesus on display - making Him famous, and He is responding to our worship.

I stand amazed really. I received a letter from an adult and a youth in our church this past week. Both said almost the exact same thing - that we need to get into God's Word and allow HIS TRUTH to wash us into holy vessels pleasing to His name.

Be encouraged today to put aside the mask. There's no need to play games. Be encouraged to get real with God. Be real! Walk a real walk! Talk the real talk!

We don't have to twist the obvious because we are all a work in progress. Let everyone see that we are God's children, each in the process of growing into His image. We don't use masks to cover our past or our failures. We are pressing toward His high calling...

However, more important than us pressing forward to reach God, He has initiated the first step in reaching out to YOU and I. It is HE who has initiated this redemptive plan. Thanks God we are part of His plan and have responded to His voice!

Because of such great love, we are NOT ABOUT TO THROW UP OUR HANDS AND QUIT! I'd encourage some of you to get down right angry at the enemy and put your hands on your hips, tilt your head back and look that ole' devil in the eyes and say, "Honey... I'm just getting started. I'm not about to throw up my hands and quit. You might have had me, but you sure don't have me now. I'm blessed. I'm favored. I'm God's child. I'm serving at my church. I'm reaching out to my community. I cannot be deterred, delayed, or denied. I will not quit!"

Blessings,

JG

Back in Public View

2010-01-30T20:08:00.000-08:00

I decided it was time to make my blog public again. One of the reasons I decided to write in this blog was to journal my journey; my transitions if you will, being on private almost defeated the purpose. I've taken time to heal from past events and am ready to move on.

My apologies to anyone who might have wondered what happened to me. I'm still around and will be more active here now. I have almost 2 weeks worth of Photo 365 to catch up with posting. I have that on my schedule for this week.

See ya then....
~*Melody*~

Walking Down Memory Lane

2010-01-19T21:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight I've been studying some for the middle school girls class I teach on Wednesday nights. I was surfing the web for some resources to help me with the next series of lessons I'm teaching. Such strange feelings go through me sometimes. I pulled up my old Crossed Out Youth Ministries email account. Crossed Out was the youth ministry that my husband and I pastored for 5 years. I deleted its website several years ago, but I never could bring myself to delete the email account. All youth related things are still directed there and there are so many memorable emails stored there; emails from students, parents, and fellow peers in youth ministry.

Anyway so I'm sitting here tonight and this feeling comes over me. The only way I know how to describe it is an intense sudden sense of purpose. The passion bubbles up so quickly within me and its so easy to go back into youth pastor mode. Recently our youth pastor empowered all the youth leaders to act as youth pastors over their particular small group. I'm not exactly sure I understand the logic behind that, but on one hand it does feel nice to have that kind of confidence behind us.

I know that God took RL and I out of youth pastorship for a reason. I have yet to discover that reason and sometimes I greatly struggle with that. But it's nights like tonight that reassure me that God has not taken my passion and zeal for youth away. Albeit strange, I am thankful that God allows such feelings to flood my heart and mind.

ETA: After I posted this the first time, I glanced up at today's scripture of the day...
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” (James 1:2-3) ...... Thanks for that reminder Lord. I love you too.

~*Melody*~

BTW: I'll be catching up with posting my Photo 365's in the next couple days. I have taken them, but just haven't taken the time to blog them.

This Is My Year !

2010-01-14T21:18:00.000-08:00

I believe this is going to be my year. I'm bound and determined like I haven't been in a long time. This belly will be leaving me in the near future. I have decided that I'll no longer be attached or defined by it. It's going to take this determination to make it. I will need help along the way so please do send those encouraging words. I need every single one of them.

Tonight I did a 20 minute ab workout on my exercise ball with a DVD. It's a 45 minute routine, but I thought I'd start slow and try my best to keep up with the pro. I did well keeping up, which I'm very happy about. Hopefully soon I'll be able to get all the way through the video. I did get to the harder part of the workout; ball pushups with pelvic tucks. So at least I got past the basic crunches. BTW, if you've never worked out on an exercise ball, I highly encourage you to get one or at least try it out at the gym. They really help a lot in supporting your back and allow a broader range of motion. I've gotten more success in the past through occasional ball workouts than I ever did with crunches.

So here's my planned routine for the next few weeks:

Ab Workouts at least 3 days a week
Cardio and Weights at least 3 days a week
Running on the treadmill each weekday (attempting this will depend on timing)

I have access to a small gym at my leisure. It's very small and I'd have to bring my own entertainment, but at least its something. I'd have to wait for my hubby to go with me because he's the one with the key, but I'm sure he'll help to encourage me. There's WiFi so I'll probably take my laptop and pull up something on Netflix or Hulu to watch while on the equipment. It'd be a great time for a good old podcast or two as well. I'm not agile enough to knit while on the treadmill yet...boo.

Maybe soon I'll get to buy some cute new workout clothes. :-) 'Cause you know a girl always look for a good excuse to shop. Plus I've got a Broadway-inspired Sweet Sixteen party to attend this coming summer.

~*Melody*~

Photo 365: Day 13

2010-01-13T21:52:00.001-08:00

Photo 365: Day 13
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

Fun times in the library with Lou.

~*Melody*~

Photo 365: Day 12

2010-01-12T20:52:00.001-08:00

Photo 365: Day 12
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

Out for a ride near my stepdad's property...goodness I could lost in that dreamy light. I wish I could have just stood out there for hours watching those horses and daydreaming.

~*Melody*~

~~P.S. I'll post Day 11 soon. It's a picture of a gift that the recipient had yet to see.~~

Photo 365: Day 11

2010-01-11T22:02:00.000-08:00

Photo 365: Day 11
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

The finished money hat I made for Grayson. I just think it's the cutest thing. I was inspired by the BlaBla brand and made my own. The hat is knit from cotton yarn and is lined with fleece. There's earflaps and a velcro strap there as well, you just can't see it in this picture.

~*Melody*~

Photo 365: Day 10

2010-01-11T20:55:00.000-08:00

Photo 365: Day 10
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

A view from my workspace today....I looking out my windows up toward the mountain covered in snow. Some days I face the other wall, but today the snow helped inspire me.
~*Melody*~

Photo 365:Day 9

2010-01-10T10:50:00.005-08:00

Photo 365:Day 9
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

I'm so thankful for heat, hot water and unfrozen pipes.....eh and maybe even curly wet hair sometimes :-p
~*Melody*~

Photo 365: Day 8

2010-01-10T10:50:00.003-08:00

Photo 365: Day 8
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

Just after midnight before the snow came barreling down...I was too excited to sleep
~*Melody*~

Photo 365: Day 7

2010-01-10T10:50:00.001-08:00

Photo 365: Day 7
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

Snow makes me one happy lady.
~*Melody*~

Photo 365: Day 6

2010-01-06T21:40:00.001-08:00

Photo 365: Day 6
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

I looked so forward to purchasing this circle cutter...came home to try it out to find it doesn't work at all....BOO !!!

Photo 365: Day 5

2010-01-06T21:36:00.001-08:00

Photo 365: Day 5
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

The beginnings of my yarn destashing....oi I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Photo 365: Day 4

2010-01-06T21:35:00.001-08:00

Photo 365: Day 4
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

His own kinda style...gotta love the combat boots and pjs.

Photo 365 : Day 3

2010-01-06T21:32:00.001-08:00

Photo 365 : Day 3
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

Homemade Pizza? - Hubby was so proud of his pizza creation, cause I was still to sick to cook.

2010 Goals

2010-01-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

I'm a few days behind in getting my goals posted for 2010. I went on a youth trip on 12-29 and returned early on 12-31 due to a sudden illness. I won't go into all the details, but let's just say that absolutely nothing would stay down and I went downhill quickly. I'm still not well and have barely held anything down since Wednesday. I suspect I picked up a nasty stomach virus while on the trip. I'm just glad that it appears no one else came down with the virus. I'd rather be sick than have a child get sick.

Christmas 2009 came and went by so fast. I didn't have much time to really enjoy it because I was so busy working on gifts and all the details. I want this to be different in 2010. So that leads me to goals for 2010.

Personal
1. Live life in the today.
I spend way too much time living for what's coming next that life seems to just pass by without me really even noticing. It's time to change that.

2. Enjoy life more.
This goes hand in hand with the first one. Life is too short not to enjoy it.

3. Finish things I've started.
I'm tired of leaving things so unfinished. I want to set reasonable goals and bring them to completion to the best of my ability this year.

4. Continue to allow myself to be human.
I've been working on this the past couple years. It's all part of my transitions theme. I allow myself the right to succeed and fail, simultaneously. I allow myself to feel. I allow myself to have human emotion, reactions, non-reactions, etc without guilt.

Creatively
1. Do the Photo 365 Project.
I know a lot of people are doing this. I was inspired to do this in October when I stumbled upon a blog about letting go. I'll likely be posting a weekly or bi-weekly posting of my photos. I don't plan to do any themes (unless I change my mind). My main goal is document my everyday life. I'll be using my Flickr account to do this (and of course blogging too).

2. Take more photos in general.
I'm guilty of letting months go by and not picking up my camera. I'd like to change that for 2010. I once had a deep passion for photography and I let that go by the wayside. It's time to live again.

3. Actively look at my personal style and attempt to find it.
I'm going to try several methods including an inspiration journal and participating in some online style forums.

4. Just go for it ! Designing, Writing, Drawing, Painting.....Anything that comes to mind !
I want to fill up the sketch book that I carry around. In fact, I might have to buy 2 or 3 this year! I'm not going to hold back. No fear, no shame.

5. Use up as many supplies as I possibly can.
I want to completely declutter and de-stash my craft studio.

6. Make my craft studio creatively inspiring instead of just functional.
This ~~could~~ should be fun !

7. Knit myself a sweater !
I've made several for others, but none for myself. It's time I can wear some of my own lovely handknits.

Health-wise

1. Stay active.
I have a horrible habit of being active for a while and then having setbacks. I'd like to be as active as possible.

2. Loose the first 50 pounds.
I've decided that I want to loose the first 50 pounds before we actively begin trying for a baby again. For my health and the health of the child, I believe it will be best. This is a very hard decision because it means that we'll be loosing several months of time trying. I'll need lots of encouragement with this one.

3. Continue the natural treatments.
The natural way is still working for us and I couldn't be more happy about that. I do need to find a doctor that will be ok with our natural choices.

4. Organic Gardening
I'm excited about our spring/summer plans for organic gardening. I'm looking forward to the fruits of our labor.

Spiritually

1. Read the Word more.
I'm committing to reading the Word more along with my sisters in Christ at our group forum.

2. I'm letting go.
I want to let go of those last things from my past that have held me captive.

3. Seek God before contentment.
I've found myself seeking contentment above other things. I want to feel ok with the place I'm in, but I really need to seek God.

4. Fall back in love with God
I want to renew my love for God.

That's quite a list, but I feel every bit of that is attainable. If you haven't done a goals list yet, I encourage you do so.

~*Melody*~

Project 365: Day 2

2010-01-02T13:39:00.001-08:00

Project 365: Day 2
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

In jammies all day, not by choice but necessity. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

~*Melody*~

Project 365: Day 1

2010-01-01T16:35:00.000-08:00

Project 365: Day 1
Originally uploaded by hibiscus_ballerina

First thing I was able to stomach in the New Year. Way to bring in 2010, huh?

~*Melody*~

Here's Another Giveaway I Wanted to Share

2009-12-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

MckMama and The Grammie Diaries have teamed up to do an incredible double giveaway. If you love photography or digital arts, this is one you definitely want to get in on. Check out both of the links for details on how to get your chance to win.

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/12/power-of-two.html
http://grammiemommy.blogspot.com/2009/12/power-of-two.html

Oh and this blog isn't turning into a giveaway site. I promise to get a real post up soon. Life has been full of last minute Christmas knitting and spending time with family.

Blessings,
~*Melody*~

A Giveaway You Must Know About

2009-12-09T20:43:00.000-08:00

Head on over to MckMama's blog and check out this newest giveaway. OMGoodness she's giving away an HP Touchsmart computer. Would this be an awesome Christmas gift to your family? Head on over and get in on the giveaway.

HP Touchsmart Giveaway

~*Melody*~

Prepping the House

2009-11-24T10:12:00.000-08:00

I love being a dinner party hostess. It's so fun getting all the food in order for the big meal. I just wish I had more space, more time and a bit more money so I could have these get togethers more often. Of course, I'd also have to find some friends to invite over too. I've always dreamed of doing that though and I make do with what I have.

I have a ton of cleaning and laundry on my to do list today. I went out shopping all day yesterday with my mom. We picked up the last minute items for the meal and spent a lot of time looking at books. That's a passion we both share. It's also a delight to see how excited my mom is to go a book store or even a store with a decent book selection. LOL, she's so cute. I hope I can share that love of books with my own child someday. It's a fun thing to share. Add to that a great deal on a book and it's almost like heaven!

I'd better get back to that laundry soon. I'm also defrosting the turkey in some cold water. I'm praying that my big bird will be thawed by late tomorrow night. I slow cook mine overnight so its super yummy.

Happy Thanksgiving !

Sick Break

2009-11-21T10:55:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for my absence over the past few days. The dreaded bug finally hit me. Thankfully it wasn't the flu. I think I got a little bit of the stomach virus and a cold. The cold has turned into some nasty sinus stuff though and that's what's kept me down the longest. Yesterday was probably the worst day so far because my ears were throbbing most all day.

Praise God I'm feeling better today and He took away the ear ache. Ugg, ear aches and tooth aches are some of the worst pain. Please continue to pray that I'll be able to get rid of all the yucky mucus. I'm doing my best to get it all out so that I don't have to go get antibiotics to clear up an infection. I haven't been to the doctor for an illness all year and I can't tell you how happy that makes me. This is the longest stretch of good health of my ENTIRE life ! To God be the glory ! And my thanks also to the natural health route I'm on.

I have a busy weekend planned. Today I'm cooking for our church's annual Thanksgiving dinner. I'm taking (the very mountain traditional) chicken and dumplings, a sugar free banana bread and cornbread. So far I've only gotten the chicken cooked, but it shouldn't take long to put the banana bread together. Then I'll fix the cornbread last and if I don't have time to make it, then it won't be any major loss.

After the dinner, RL, Lou and I will have some family time together. We're going out to a late movie and maybe some dessert. LOL....today is not a healthy food day for me. I'll try to pick out some good veggies at the dinner though.

Recycled Holiday Cards

2009-11-17T11:02:00.000-08:00

Let's face it, as the holiday season approaches many of us will be faced with receiving a large amount of Christmas cards, most of which we'll look at once and put in a pile somewhere. When someone writes a personal message to me, I'll keep the card of course, but what to do with all those random cards that you get from church and distant or unknown family members?

Here's a great craft tutorial that Vicky Howell posted.

There's many other options too. You can make origami ornaments too. Here's a cute small star ornament template that you can download. I save a lot of the card fronts to recraft into new cards and scrapbook pages. Reused card fronts also make excellent post cards.

Hope you'll join me in repurposing those unwanted cards.

~*Melody*~

Well.....

2009-11-16T21:20:00.000-08:00

Well after two days with no blog posts...I'm discovering that I'm not doing so well at this daily blogging thing. Oh well, I tried. I'm thinking that November is probably not the smartest month of the year to try to do this blogging for the whole month thing. Saturday I put off blogging till right before bed and my internet connection decided that it just wasn't going to connect to the server. I thought I could make it up on Sunday, but I wasn't able to do that. My best friend (from high school)'s dad passed away. So I spent some time with her and her family Sunday and earlier today.

My brain has been in Thanksgiving planning mode for days. I'm excited to get started cooking my giant bird. LOL. Thinking about this years' bird makes me laugh so. We actually had to take my freezer door apart to fit the bird in there. Yes we literally got out the power screw driver and removed screws and such. I still had to wedge the poor thing in there. Oh I'd love to have a video of my husband and I squeezing that 24 lb. frozen bird into a tight little space. RL and I laughed the entire time. It was just great; definitely an experience I'll never forget.

I've also been planning on purchasing a new set of pots and pans. I've had my old ones for several years. They are mismatched and most are from a cheap set I purchased to "hold me over". Slowly over time they've become unsafe for food, so I've now retired them to craft project use only. I wish there were a way to recycle all but one or two of them. Anyone have any ideas? I plan to keep the next set for many years because I'm hoping to purchase the Faberware professional stainless steel series.

Alright enough with my ramblings. I hope to get back to my green series soon.

~*Melody*~

Love Through Technology

2009-11-13T23:12:00.000-08:00

This is posting a little late because my internet connection kept going in and out while I was trying to post last night. I am dating it for 11-13 though because it was suppose to post then.

A few nights ago, or rather should I say, a few early mornings ago, I received a text from a young college age guy from our church. He was first asking for scripture for a particular topic, but it became apparent to me that he just needed someone to talk to. We chatted back and forth in texts for close to an hour and a half. For days I've been contemplating my next cell phone upgrade. I'm an avid texter, but have been reconsidering the amount of my texting lately. I even *shudder* had serious thoughts about what it would be without so much convenient texting.

After the texting with this individual, I realized what a great blessing we have with all this modern technology. I mean how often are we able to travel to where the person is just to be there for them. Modern technology has its inconveniences, like the annoying "ok" or the random "what's up?" texts. But what if we looked at these attachments as opportunities for ministry? What if we used our cell phones and smart phones for God's glory? Not to mention what about our Twitter and Facebook accounts. God has opened up the world to us and we should be using these things to reach others for Christ.

So I'm going to challenge you all.....This week make it a goal to use these devices to reach out to at least 1 person. Try to make a positive impact on that one person, whether it's just a random person in your contacts list or some needy person on your church's prayer list. I'm going to be joining you in this challenge.

~*Melody*~

Reusing Common Kitchen Trash

2009-11-12T22:15:00.000-08:00

Occasionally curiosity overtakes me and I go web searching for strange things like how to reuse my trash. I found this particular use a month or so ago.

How to Reuse a Banana Peel

So does anyone else have any creative ways to reuse common trash?

~*Melody*~

WiFi Problems and the Next Green Installment

2009-11-11T21:13:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting in a Wendy's restaurant at the moment. I had hoped to directly blog this entry, but I'm writing it on a document file to save for later posting. It really irks me that a restaurant advertises free WiFi but it doesn't work at all. I'm techno-savvy so it's not merely an operator error. I went to the front to complain about it and the lady looked at me like my hair was on fire. She just laughed and then looked down at her register. In hindsight, I'm almost certain she had no idea what WiFi is, but she should have asked someone else if she didn't know. Oi !

Anywho, so that leaves me here a little preturbed. At least there was a Frosty and some fries involved. Everything is better when ice cream is involved. (Although I'm well aware that Frosty's are far from being ice cream...but that's a different story for a different time.)

So to continue my green theme, I'd like to focus on paper and packaging waste for this entry. Up until about 2 years ago, I was the world's worst to print out anything and everything. I'd end up with enormous piles of paper on my paper tray and most of it would never even be looked at again. I literally was putting all these print outs in boxes for "future filing". Haha...I laugh at myself at the thought of that. I clearly had a problem I was not willing to address. I'm not sure what prompted me to change my ugly habits, but I'm so glad I did.

I pay a lot of my bills online, but its a rare occasion that I print out those receipts now. Instead I take a screen print of all the important info, like the confirmation number, date and such. I periodically back up all these receipts to either jump drive or CD and file that away. You can have the receipt emailed you as well. I've cut my paper usage to nearly nothing. In the past two years, I've bought one 500 sheet pack of paper and I have at least 75% of that left. If something is printed at my house, it must be extremely important and something that's going to be used immediately (or business related). I also haven't bought any ink cartridges for my printer in that two year time span. Saving money on ink cartridges is a great blessing, but it's also good for the Earth. I plan to have my empty ones refilled in the future.

Now what about packing materials and tissue boxes? Well I reuse most of those too. Whenever I buy a box of tissues I make sure that I like design on the box because I cut them up to make cards and on scrapbook pages. The cardboard can be reused to make things sturdier or to make the random pom pom or two. I also reuse pretty packing materials on scrapbook pages or cards. You have to be a little creative, but it can be done. I like to see people's faces when they inquire where I got the materials for those cards. Anytime you buy perfume or cologne there's usually some beautiful backing paper in the box. It's one of my favorites to reuse. And of course, all bubble wrap and packing peanuts get reused over and over again.

So that's it for tonight's dose of green. I must say I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping up with this daily blogging so far. ;-)

~*Melody*~

Not So Inspired Tonight

2009-11-10T22:15:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to get motivated to blog for a few hours now. *sighs* Alas there's just nothing inspiring me to write. Ever have moments like that? There's a ton of things on my mind that I could write about, but I just absolutely have no desire to pull them out tonight.

The rain has poured down here all day. Today was the perfect day to lounge around with something warm in your hand. I cuddled up on the couch tonight with some new wool and new knitting needles. The knitting was pleasant and relaxing. Sometimes you just have to relax a bit, no matter what's waiting on you to be finished. There are times when one just simply craves the simple things in life.

*laughs* It's ironic that I just wrote that last statement, because earlier this evening I was looking at the new VW Droid phone. It's anything but simple. In fact, if I decide to get it I'll have virtually everything I could ever want or need technologically speaking at my fingertips at any moment. The perks are definitely tempting.

Alright, I've done enough babbling. It's time to call an end to this uninspired post.

~*Melody*~

Back to the Green

2009-11-09T21:54:00.000-08:00

Now that we've discussed household cleaners and such, it's time to talk about my favorite green things.....repurposing. Repurposing is finding a new purpose and reusing items. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to repurpose many of the items you throw in the trash. Before I throw something away, I do my best to think of a way to reuse it. Sometimes I'm not quite sure what to reuse it for, so I wash it and put it away in my hallway closet/pantry.

I reuse a variety of things. For this post, I'm going to focus on containers. We all buy items in containers of all sorts, shapes and sizes. There are so many storage options available when you simply take some time to clean out an old used container. When buying things in the grocery store I often buy an item that's in a nice container. Nice containers for me are made from a sturdy plastic or glass and have a sturdy lid (preferably a screw on lid). On the rare occasion that I buy an individually packaged product, like snacks or yogurt, I try to buy only the ones in a small plastic container. These small little containers can be used for small crafting items like beads and screws. Of course, jars are the best containers to reuse.

My favorite and most repurposed containers are large spaghetti sauce jars, jelly jars and peanut butter jars. I wash all my jars by letting them soak overnight and washing them by hand. I then run them through a dishwasher cycle making sure to run the sterilize function. The peanut oils in the plastic jars are a bit difficult to get out sometimes. I often have to wash these at least twice in the dishwasher to get rid of all the oils.

Those tiny baby food jars and containers are great for holding spice mixtures in the kitchen or minced and whole garlic in the fridge.

I keep many of our large juice bottles to store water or use for tea or Kool-Aid (when we have it). Milk jugs are only reused for outdoor and garden projects. They make excellent homes for new seedlings in the spring. Or they will provide a nice little bird feeder in a pinch.

For a crafty project, I sometimes use plastic bottles to make plastic beads. Here's a great tutorial on how to make these beads here if you'd like to make these yourself. It's a fun little project that does an excellent job of keeping all those bottles out of the landfills.

Many flimsy plastic bowls get cut up and used as craft templates. A butter bowl can be turned into a loom to make a quick knitted scarf or the base for a child's play crown. Small lids from those bowls usually end up being coasters in my living room, while the large ones are used as reusable paint palettes.

Cans are also great to reuse too. You can paint any can after a good cleaning and scratching up with some sand paper. Here's a nice little link to show you some pencil cups and a few other container ideas.

I'll try to take some pictures over the next few days of containers I've repurposed and share them here. Until tomorrow......

~*Melody*~

Back Home in NC

2009-11-08T21:29:00.000-08:00

I just got home from my fabulous trip to SC. The time with family was so great. It's a weekend I don't think I'll ever forget, but oh how I wish it could have lasted longer. If only we were a wee bit closer, I could visit more often.

Anywho, I'm exhausted from a long trip through the mountains. But I thought I'd finally share the little beauty I've been working on lately. It was a present for the birthday boy Grayson.

Here is Elijah.....

Edited to Add: Elijah is a Ysolda Teague pattern. You can check out Ravelry or her website for pattern info.

Bullets of the Day

2009-11-07T21:54:00.000-08:00

* It's amazing how the body is able to run on such little sleep. I'm certain that this is surely the grace of God.

* Children brighten even the smoggiest of days.

* There's nothing quite like the look of a proud Momma. Daddy's delight comes in a close second.

* Blind ambition is a great motivator.

* I've never wanted someone who looks like me more......

My appologies dear blog readers. Tomorrow I will write a longer post to document the weekend and I hope to have a few pictures too.

~*Melody*~

Girl Time is Lovely

2009-11-06T23:00:00.000-08:00

Adrian and I have had some great girl time tonight....a little cooking, a little shopping, and finishing up with a little crafting. Oh how I miss having close girl friends. It's very therapeutic and necessary to experience life together with other women.

We've been preparing for Grayson's big 1 year birthday party tomorrow. I can't wait to see the enjoyment on his face. It's going to be a beautiful party.

I'm a bit tired from the travel and all so you'll have to forgive my short entry for tonight.

~*Melody*~

Sore Finger Thursday

2009-11-05T21:21:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm going to take a break in my green entries. I'll resume these on Monday because I'm going on a little weekend gateway. I'll be surrounded by family and celebrating a dear sweet little boy's first birthday. Today I've been preparing for the trip and finishing up some last minute knitting.

I learned a valuable lesson today : my fingers and small needles don't make for a good match. My poor fingers are so sore from knitting that I can barely stand to type. Oi I'm telling you I'll never forget this one. But I guess that's what life is about; living and learning.

Tomorrow morning I'm hoping to have time to do a nice and sunny fall mini photo shoot with my latest knitting pretties. I can't wait to share with you my latest creation. It's one of the cutest things I've made in a while.

So this is short and sweet. Tomorrow night I'll be blogging from a different state. Prayers for a safe journey are much appreciated....

~*Melody*~

Green Household Continued

2009-11-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

To continue last night's topic, we've also done a few other things to keep our home as chemical free as possible. As I mentioned in last entry, we do a few household maintenance things in a more green way now. In addition to the routine maintenance on our air condition, we also purchased reusable filters for our heating and air systems. These can be purchased relatively inexpensively if you buy them out of season. Each reusable filter can be used for 5 years. We bought extra large ones that we can cut in half so we saved in cost there as well. Once the filter can no longer be used inside, I'll probably repurpose it as a door mat or scrub pad for our little patio.

We've reduced and almost eliminated the use of any pesticides by planting catnip around our home. Catnip also will protect your home from rat infestation. Occasionally we still use a sweet borax trap inside for the periodic ant problem. To combat any fleas, we sprinkle 20 Mule Borax soap on our doormats and around the perimeter of our home. This can also be used directly on your pet to help them get rid of fleas and ticks. Lavender is a good plant to use to keep insects at bay too and a drop of lavender oil on your pet's neck will rid them of fleas as well.

Hope this gives you some ideas for useful things in your own homes,
~*Melody*~

Green At A Young Age

2009-11-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

My green roots began back in the early '90s with a group called Kids F.A.C.E. It was an environmental awareness and activist group for children and was sponsored by Walmart Stores. I had my own club, complete with local chapter meetings and sponsored clean up events. I have fond memories of spending hours cleaning up local neighborhoods and trying to educate others on the importance of taking care of our Earth.

It was a nice start for me. I don't remember the exact years that I was involved in this club, but the lessons I learned through it have stuck with me my entire life.

Today environmentalism is dubbed being green. Back in my early days, I was dubbed a tree hugger. *chuckles* There are actually a couple pictures floating around out there of me hugging trees. Even before my Kids FACE days I always felt a closeness to the Earth. Maybe it's my Cherokee background or maybe it's because my family always honored the land we were using at the time, with either case I feel like I am supposed to take care of God's wonderful creation.

A few years ago I began really thinking about how I ran my household and what impact that made on the Earth. I started looking at the chemicals I was using to clean my house, the amount of disposable containers I used and the amount of paper we wasted.

The first step toward green living came with changing the cleaning products I used. I'd like focus on that topic for this particular post. I keep a vinegar and water spray bottle on the back of my sink at all times. We use this cleaner as a sanitizer in the kitchen, to clean the bathtubs and sinks in the bathroom, and a nice window and glass cleaner all over the house. We own a bird and the vinegar solution is also safe enough to use around her cage. There's a world of uses for vinegar and I encourage you to do your own research to find some uses for your own home.

We use a natural laundry detergent that is free of dyes, phosphorus, enzymes, ammonia, naphthalene, phenol, sodium nitilotriacetate along with numerous other chemicals. Not only are our clothes cleaner, but they are also much safer for our skin. We don't have to worry about rashes caused from leftover chemicals in our clothes, plus we aren't wondering what we're flushing into the sewer system. I fill my Downy ball with pure vinegar. It does a wonderful job of softening, whitening, and preserving the color of our clothes. We don't use bleach at all.

All our mopping is done with hot water and pure vinegar. You'd be amazed at how shiny and clean your vinyl and hardwood floors can be with such an inexpensive cleaner.

Baking soda is used for tough stains (as a paste) and for deodorizer (just sprinkled or in the box).

We've also reduce chlorofluorocarbons by no longer buying aerosol or propellant cans of any kind. We also do regular maintenance on our air conditioning units to make sure we aren't leaking freon into our home or air outside. (This is about to go off topic. So I'll continue this discussion in another post.)

There are a few other natural cleaning products and options we'd like to incorporate, but for now we are pleased with our progress so far. The environmental benefits are great, but the fringe benefits are even better in most cases. The air quality inside our home is dramatically better which has almost eliminated any asthma problems I previously had. We are also overall more healthy now than when we used those chemical based cleaners.

Green to be continued.....

~*Melody*~

NaBloPoMo Day 2

2009-11-02T17:28:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been doing a lot of reminiscing and contemplation about my past. I'm trying to bring out the happy memories. It's too easy to always focus on the bad memories, which does nothing but bring you down. Why is it that bad memories stick better in our minds than the good times? As I get older, I'm finding that memories of good times are fading quickly. In fact, there's times when I have difficulty even remembering anything about my childhood. Oh how I wished I remembered those times that I swore I'd never forget.

I also wish that I had wrote in a journal or a diary on a more consistent basis. I love to write so that wasn't the issue. The issue has always been that I haven't taken time to write. Goodness, so much of my life has revolved around learning how to take time for myself. I still am very guilty of missing the mark. God has tried to show me the consequences of being in too much of rush, but I'm constantly pushing His wisdom and leading aside. Why must we be so stubborn when we know better?

So that leaves me here, making a conscious decision to take time to document life; the good and the bad, to be more open to experiencing life; not just merely existing, and to enjoy the whole experience. Life is far too short to just go through the motions. Wouldn't you agree?

~*Melody*~

National Blog Posting Month

2009-11-01T19:59:00.000-08:00

Or NaBloPoMo as some like to call it. I've always wanted to join in the National Novel Writing Month, but just haven't felt like I'd have time to commit to such a large task. So here I am trying something a little less daunting. I hope I can complete a whole month of blogging.

So for tonight's first post, I'll talk a little about my weekend. Friday night I had a great time with our youth group at their lock-in. It was so fun and incredibly stress relieving to be with those teens. There was only about 35 of them so we were able to split up into a couple groups for games and such. I just enjoyed the carefreeness of being with them. I laughed and felt like myself again. Goodness it's been so long since I felt like me. Give me a bunch of teenagers or preteens anyday. I much prefer them to adults. ;-) Well except my closest friends (too bad most of you live too far away from me to hang out.).

Saturday morning I taught my first craft class. It was just a small group of women at my church. They seemed to have a good time and learned quite a few new things. I had hoped that it could be an ongoing thing, but I don't think that will be possible. Maybe some other time, who knows.

Tonight I am thoroughly exhausted, but I feel fulfilled. It's nice to feel like you've done something with your life and truly lived. I feel like I lived this weekend. And much to my surprise, life is good.

~*Melody*~

Sitting at the Coffee Shop

2009-10-20T14:32:00.001-07:00

Growing up I would have laughed at you if you'd told me that one day I would look forward to hot cup of Joe. I'm having a nice gentle white chocolate mocha while my dear husband is sipping a kicky chocolate peppermint latte. 'Tis very refreshing indeed. Our local coffee shop The Daily Grind measures right up there with Starbucks. I'd say that their Macchiatos are much better than Starbucks.

Anywho, this entry isn't a coffee review. I guess I was just being reflective today about some lifestyle things. I sat for about an hour cleaning some gooey glue off of some glass containers I'm repurposing. Yesterday someone asked me to sell them some of my MSG free ranch dressing mixture. Thankfully I have a few containers laying waiting for such the task. I do really enjoy repurposing. It's great for the wallet and the planet. Lately I've been searching the 'net for some repurposing inspiration. I do a lot already, but I like the challenge of looking for even more ways. I'm thinking about doing some posts on my 'green' ways. Would you be interested in reading that?

As I was writing this entry, I wasn't sure which blog to place this one in. I'm a bit torn at times between combining my two blogs anyway. Oh well, I can't decide for now. So you get this entry in both blogs. ;-)

~*Melody*~

P.S. You can check out my bloggin pic in my Twitter feed.

Things Are Changing Around Here

2009-10-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

As you can see there's been a few changes around the blog. I was thinking about trying to keep both of my blogs pretty similar, but now I'm not so sure. I'm going to keep the blog like this for a while and see if it grows on me. If not, I'll be changing it up again.

Be sure to scroll down on the right hand side for my bloglists. You can click on each set and you will be taken to the list. I'll be updating more lists in the next few days.

Hopefully all the changes will be finished soon. I'm eager to get back to writing again.

Something I'd Love to Win

2009-10-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

How Much Fabric? Card GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

I'd love to win one of these neat fabric card cheat sheets. It would be very helpful when I go to the fabric store. I'm one of those that buys way too much fabric for my project. LOL, which is just a great excuse to make something else. ;-) Anyway check out the link for your chance to win as well.

~*Melody*~

Remembering Our Babies : Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month

2009-10-06T01:12:00.000-07:00

I'd be honored if you'd join with me in honoring the lost babies around the world. Many times people have asked me what they could do to help or ease my pain from our many losses. I'd never really known how to respond till about a year ago. The best way to help someone through this kind of pain is to honor the child that was lost. Validate the sense of overwhelming loss and grief that the mother and father are bearing. Last Mother's Day was particularly hard for me because we'd lost a baby a few months before. In fact, our baby was due to be born on Mother's Day. I shared my heartache in a few Facebook status updates. People showered their love and support on me. It was one of those most healing things I'd ever experienced.

In 2008, I received an unexpected text message from a college friend on Mother's Day. It was a Mother's Day blessing. I cried as I read it, but it made me feel so much better because someone had remembered me. I believe you are a mother from the time that a child is formed in your womb. I know this isn't common place, but I know that there has been life inside me before. The life God formed inside me was for a purpose; even if that purpose didn't directly relate to parenting a child. I am the mother of 10 children; children who are waiting for me in the very presence of God.

Before I become an emotional mess, I'll end this post with one last request. If you know someone that needs your support, please don't hesitate to offer your love. We don't need a day picked out to honor and cherish those children and their parents. We need people who care for others on a daily basis. I do hope you'll join me on this special day though. May it's purpose be inspiring to your life.

~*Melody*~

ETA: These graphics are a bit on the cheesy side of life, but overlook them. It's the meaning behind all that cheese that matters.

I Started a Trend !

2009-10-05T17:04:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, Nicole, was inspired by my current giveaway so much that she decided to do her own ! She's a gifted writer with a refreshing viewpoint. You should definitely take a look at her blog and then enter her giveaway.

Tonight I plan to add my favorite blog lists back to the blog. I've added a few new ones and categorized them as well. I hope you'll take the chance to read these inspiring people too.

~*Melody*~

A Bit of Advertising

2009-10-04T18:55:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I have a little business called Creative Radiance. Well I've just unveiled my newest blog makeover there complete with a giveaway. So if you are interested in earning your chance to win a little something from me, just hop on over for all the details.

Creative Radiance

Or if you are interesting in shopping you can head to my Etsy shop. I'll be stocking it in the next few days with some holiday items so be sure to check back soon.

Thanks,
~*Melody*~

P.S. The blog changes are still coming to this blog as well. I hope to have them completed in a few weeks.

Under Construction

2009-09-14T17:39:00.001-07:00

Please excuse my blog mess over the next couple days. I'll be under going some major changes, which will probably have a few bugs here and there.

;-)
~*Melody*~

Cloud Pictures

2009-09-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gazed up into the sky to see a cloud formation that you could swear looks like a frog or your favorite animal? If you haven't, I encourage you to go stare at the sky (during the day) till you see something. A long time ago, I was the leader of a girls ministry that was similar to Girl Scouts. I'll never forget the lesson that had us to go outside and cloud gaze. It was such a fun time with the girls, which most of them remember vividly to this day.

This afternoon I was alone because my husband had to work the late shift at work. I did a few things around home and then couldn't take it anymore and had to get outside. I grabbed my knitting, my cell and headed out the door. My van stopped just inside the parking lot of our local recreation park. I decided I'd go enjoy some time on the swings. Originally I had planned on knitting while I swang, but when I got there I felt like God was urging me to spend some time alone with Him. So I found the 'perfect' swing, which coincidentally was the one that squeaked the loudest, and began to swing my legs and pull that swing higher and higher.

For a little while, I watched a young family play frisbee on the baseball field. I laughed at the thoughts of the teen boys asking who "that girl" was as I walked by. Sometimes it's nice not to be called ma'am. ;-) But then a set of birds flew by and the skyline caught my attention. I began breathing in that fresh mountain air and noticed that it wouldn't be long before the sun would be well below the mountains that surrounded me. For a brief second, I felt like someone was watching me from behind. I turned my head in an attempt to see if someone was around me, but didn't see anyone. As I looked back forward, the sky got my attention; more specifically the clouds got my attention.

There in a large cloud formation was something that looked like my beloved childhood dog, Ginger. But this Ginger had wings ! LOL. I chuckled outloud and told God, "Very funny!". Then I heard very clearly, "I care enough to want to make you laugh and to see you smile.". It's amazing what happens when you spend time with God and don't expect anything. You just come with an open heart and mind. I didn't come with any specific requests and I wasn't seeking answers. It was all just about spending time with my Father alone in the park this evening.

God's been teaching me some amazing things this week. I began reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I'm part of a book club that's reading this book right now. What an amazing book it is! I'm taking my time, absorbing it's words and letting God teach me through it. There's a few online videos in the first chapter that the author directs you to watch. After watching the last one, I just felt impressed to let my Wednesday night girls class watch it. The video is mainly focused on a call to salvation, but it's not the typical salvation video. The video helps you to think about your relationship with God, how amazing this life really is, and how no one leads an ordinary life. It explains some of the main principles of the Bible and God's love for us.

After the girls watched the video, I could tell that God was working on hearts and we discussed a few things. I felt God's leading, so I gave the girls a challenge for this week. Their challenge was to take a few minutes out this week (especially during a hard moment), go outside or to their bedroom window, pick something to focus on (a bird, a tree knot, etc.), tell God their need for Him, and wait. I challenged them to allow God to show up and let them feel His presence. I went on to explain that I couldn't tell them what they'd feel, but for me when I ask God to do this, I feel like a little girl climbing up into my daddy's lap like I did when I was a kid.

All of a sudden, I noticed tears running down the cheeks of one of my girls. I paused for a moment and asked God to take over. I walked over slowly to the crying girl and comforted her. I'm not sure what I said, but soon another girl was crying. Before I got around the room to her, tears started forming in another's eyes. It kept on like this till the whole room of girls was crying. As much it pained me to see them crying, I knew that God was definitely in our midst and He was working on their little hearts. God was using this time to allow them to open up and let some feelings out. I went around to each one of them and just let whatever God wanted to come out of me. I held them as they shared things and cried some more. The girls began to love on each other too. I really saw God in that room.

All this time, I've been asking for God to show me where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing. But I had it all wrong, I didn't need to be the one to show up, it was Him who needed to be allowed to show up. I still can't pinpoint what was different about this particular night, but all I know is that God was the only thing that mattered in those moments; moments that flew by so quickly. Wow what a blessing it was to be a part of it all!

I believe that God opened up this time with the girls to draw me closer to Him. I can't do anything without Him. I've been so concerned lately with discipline issues and finding the right curriculum for these girls. But I now realized that God can cure any discipline issue I'll ever have with them. The problems and issues that surround these girls are greater than I knew and God alone is their answer. I simply just need to point them in the right direction and to encourage them along the way. This past week has put a passion and a love in me that I haven't felt in a long time.

Thank you Abba for showing me Your grace and mercy. Thank you for wanting to see me smile. Thank you for the girls you've placed in my care. Thank you for allowing me to see Your glory. Thank you for helping my girls to let their feelings, fears, and tears flow out. I pray that I would ever seek You in the difficult and the good times. Blessed be Your Name. A Name Above All.

~*Melody*~

Are you looking....?

2009-09-08T14:13:00.000-07:00

Are you looking for some encouragement today? Well let me direct you to the latest post over at (In)Courage. It's a great one that I think you should read and then pass along to others.

We Live in Wait

Blessings....
~*Melody*~

Reflections from Women of Faith 2009

2009-09-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

I'm writing these entries a bit out of order. But I just couldn't wait any longer to share this with all of you. (And by you, I mean the one or two of you who read this blog.)

This is directly from my paper journal.....

I realized this weekend that I don't know how to extend grace to myself. Maybe I've never even known the true meaning of grace. Talking about this on the drive home, I explained grace as the ultimate pardon of which one doesn't earn. God extends grace to us because He wants to, not because He has to. Personally, I've never given grace to myself. I've only saw perfection and failure with no in betweens. I've left grace out of the mix and caused a lot of unnecessary hardship to myself. Oh what mistakes I've made and oh how horrible I've been to myself !

I know God has been trying to get this message across to me for so long. Yet I've closed my ears so many times to this wisdom. But this weekend, my ears were finally opened and I heard from God. I saw very clearly for the first time in so long.

My grief, bitterness and mostly regret were washed away the moment I asked God to help me allow myself grace. I've been holding on to so many things; much of which I didn't even realize. I've allowed these things to steal my joy and to rob me of the peace from release.

Thank you Father for opening my eyes and my heart. You always mean good for me but I've not been seeing some that good Father. I've been hanging onto the what-ifs and if-onlys in life. But I make a commitment from this point forward to show myself grace in all situations. I ask Lord that You would help me to extend Your grace to myself just as I would to others. I vow to learn the ultimate truth of grace. I want to live in grace instead of regret.
In Jesus Precious Name......AMEN

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardship, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

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So as you can read above, my life is in for a big change. It's also one of the reasons why I want to give this blog an overhaul. I've focused my life over the years through two categories: Success and Failure. No more. My life is much more than a hit or a miss. And so what if I make a few misses here and there. Ultimately those misses shape who I am. Rarely does success make a lasting impact in the grand scheme of things.

I hope you've been encouraged by this entry. I hope God starts speaking to you about grace too. As I mentioned earlier, I'm sure He's been trying to show me this for years, but I was just too stubborn to listen. Please open your ears and listen today. Don't let your own insecurities and/or upbringing keep you from experiencing the grace and joy that God meant for each of us. I encourage you to join with me in this quest for grace.

Blessings to each of you,
~*Melody*~

P.S. There will be a lot more entries on grace in the future. I'm going to be studying this until I feel like God releases me from it. Also the entries about Women of Faith will be coming soon too.
Oh and please if you read, I'd appreciate if you'd leave a comment. Your responses and feedback are very important to me.

A Quick Little Interuption **ETA

2009-09-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

So this post has nothing to do with my entries about the Women of Faith conference, but I just had to take the time to blog a bit about my life as of late.

Well I've been in a great mood for a little while now. It's gotten so much better since the conference, but in general I just feel happy. It's so refreshing to feel like I'm able to let go of things in my brain a bit and just be content with life. I feel the rush of freedom flowing through me and it's quite exhilarating. As I told someone recently, I'm going to thoroughly enjoy this feeling as long as it may last.

My husband's squad has set up a little gym in one of their truck bays. I've been going up there and working out some lately. It's nice to be able to work out and not feel like the whole world is staring at me. Best of all, it's completely free to use at anytime we wish. There's also that added benefit of working out with your husband (*blush*). I enjoy spending the time with him and keeping our bodies healthier. Last night I could really tell that the workouts helped to mellow my brain clutter. Brain clutter....aka the never ending chatter, thoughts, pictures, memories, etc. that go on inside my head. I was able to go to sleep last night before midnight with absolutely no trouble at all. I didn't have the 30-45 minute fight with myself before laying down. Nor did I have the hour or so of tossing and turning before I fell asleep. It was lovely !

I'm also excited about my upcoming anniversary and trip. Friday my husband and I will celebrate 10 years of wedded bliss. We are planning to spend the day together and have a nice meal out somewhere. But we are waiting till later this month to take a week long beach trip. We went to the same beach on our 5th anniversary. It was the first time I'd ever been to the beach. I'm hoping and praying that hurricanes and tropical storms will stay away for the duration of our trip, because I really want this one to be special. I'll share more details about it all later.

I wish I had more time to blog on a daily basis. It seems that I've lost many of the readers I once had and that saddens me. But with everything in life its just so hard to keep up sometimes. I'm taking a lunch break right now (and have yet to get anything to eat). I'm working hard on making more plarn bags for my shop on Saturday. There's more details about in my Creative Radiance blog. So I guess I'd better get my food and back to work.

Lou and I on her 15th Birthday !!! My my, where have the years gone? My sweetheart looked so beautiful on her day!

~*Mel*~

**ETA : Oh and I forgot to mention that I've finally decided it's time for a blog change. I'm still gathering up ideas (and courage) to make a complete change. I'll probably change sometime next week after all my conference weekend updates. I'd love any ideas you have to share. I think I'll change both this blog and my Creative Radiance one too. My life is changing all around so why shouldn't my online presence change too?

Women of Faith 2009

2009-08-31T20:52:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went to the Women of Faith conference in Atlanta, GA with my church's womens' ministry. Honestly, I had some pretty low expectations and I was nervous about being with this group of women for the entire weekend. But God surprised me in some amazing ways. I came back refreshed and literally changed in a way I never knew was possible.

I can hardly wait to tell you all about it. I've been journaling the entire weekend with highlights of the weekend. I have yet to write everything completely out, but I plan to do this in a couple different blog posts. I'd like to write the events as chronologically as possible. But I did finish writing out my most important reflection from the weekend. It's a little late tonight and I'm incredibly tired after my day and evening workout, so I'll post more tomorrow.

Be on the look out for my blog posts in the upcoming days. And please if you read them, I'd appreciate if you'd leave a comment. Your responses and feedback are very important to me.

~*Melody*~

Unredeemed

2009-08-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

One day my life will be fully redeemed. One day I'll stand before my Maker and know the reason for my journey in this life. One day I'll of be reunited with my children. I'll see each of them face to face and whole. They will be perfect and I will be perfected just by knowing them. One day the tears that stream down my face will be loving wiped away. And until that day arrives, I'll hold on and "Just watch and see it will not be unredeemed"

~*Melody*~

Please enjoy the video. I've been waiting for so long to post this. Selah's CD just came out today. If you've never heard Angie and Todd's story, please check out Bring The Rain .

Unredeemed by Selah

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Blog Giveaway and Ramblings

2009-08-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

There's a lovely book giveaway over here . I encourage each of you women to go check it out and enter for your chance to win.

My Ramblings in Bullet Form :

Today was a blessed day with family. Watched Julie and Julia, ate some late lunch and did a little shopping.
Been thinking a lot lately about the book idea/notes I have...WiFi at the local rec park sounds very inspiring.....once it ever stops raining here.
Weekend birthday plans .... my cousin Adrian, hubby Nathan and baby Grayson coming in for a weekend visit...Saturday B-day plans include coffee run and a visit to a local yarn shop......YAYNESS
TTC - still seems to be going ok, nothing to report or complain about.....a bit apathetic actually
I can't tell you the number of times adoption has crossed my mind in the past month. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that means.
Been enjoying lots of bubble baths lately.....yummy lovely bubble baths.....ahhh

~*Melody*~

How He Loves

2009-08-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

Tonight I visited a good blogger friend of mine. She reminded me of this song and pointed me to this lovely video. I can't tell you the number of times I've sang and danced to this song in pure worship before my Lord in my personal worship time. It sends chills all over me every time I do think about how much God does love me.

Lately as our family has been going through a great time of trial, God has continually surrounded me with His loving arms. I couldn't have made it through without His tender loving touch. Thou we are still in this storm, He has guided all of us through the toughest part by only His grace alone.

I appreciate all the prayers that have been sent up on our behalf. With a heart filled with thanksgiving and gratitude, I report that we are doing better. God has moved and continues to make the impossible possible. We will need more prayers and guidance to make it completely through. Thank you for being so supportive without any questioning. In time, I will be able to share more about this part of our journeys.

Please watch the video and be blessed by it's words.

"How He Loves"
Verse 1:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Chorus 2:
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Shattered and Broken

2009-08-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of things going on right now in my life and in our family that I'm not at liberty to talk about. I'm going through one of the hardest times in my life, maybe even harder than loosing my children. My heart has been shattered in a million pieces and I'm trying with all my might not to lose one of those little pieces. Please say a word of prayer for myself and our family. I need people now to pray like they've never prayed before.

With constant tears streaming....
Melody

Randomness

2009-07-20T16:11:00.001-07:00

After re-reading my Sad Sally post this morning, I started thinking about the origin of my sudden emotional low. I began taking my soy isoflavones 5 days ago so that I could resume ovulation. It's about that time that I began feeling these sudden lows coming on. I'm also quite crabby at times too. So maybe the soy is influences my moods a bit more than I thought. It doesn't change the fact of the way I feel, but it does give me some hope that its not just me.

I have been trying to focus on other things today. There's a little project that I've been pouring myself into. It's a surprise for that special little girl in my life. I'll share it with you all as soon as she sees it. I'm also beginning to plan next years' garden. I know that sounds a wee bit strange, but my step dad told me a few days ago that he'll plow out a large garden plot for me next year on his property. EEEEEKKKK I absolutely can't wait to grow all the lovely vegetables. I'm planning out which ones I want and can grow in this area. So far I have quite a list going. I'm going to make the list and then sit down with RL so that we can fine tune it.

Then there comes the matter of how to preserve our crops next year. I plan to start buying a few canning supplies pretty soon so that I can buy them slowly over time. That should help reduce the initial cost of buying them all. I think my mother-in-law will let me borrow a few of her canning pots to use, so I'm going to focus on the jars and the smaller items.

You will probably be hearing more about this little venture of mine in the next few months. It's strange because I never dreamed in a million years that I would enjoy gardening this much. The food you grow yourself (mine is organic) tastes so much better than anything store bought or restaurant prepared. I actually enjoy eating vegetables now. It's good for my morale and my health !

Ok I'm off again to go relax with my knitting. I have fresh green beans in the crock pot and am going to steam some brocolli in a bit. Yummo !

Looking Through

2009-07-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

I've spent a couple hours tonight looking through blogs I'd had bookmarked and some of my favorites. It's quite alarming to me that almost all of them had something to do with motherhood. I think I sometimes sabotage myself when I read them, especially several of them in one sitting. I find joy and wisdom in their words, but I leave their sites with pain in my heart. The longing I feel for a child just never goes away. I sound like Sad Sally writing about this all the time, but it's my way of coping; my way of not spontaneously screaming out my frustrations.

This afternoon was lovely. The gentle breeze was blowing and I decided to go outside and knit for a while. I carried my laptop out there to listen to a couple podcasts too. It was just a peaceful time rocking back and forth on my hammock swing. I hadn't been sitting there long when a little boy came running over to me. He wanted to share his "fruits" with me (they were actually a plastic wheelbarrow full of toys). This little boy just wanted some attention. I stopped my knitting and took the "fruit" he offered. A big smile came over his face as he realized that I'd take time for him. He soon skipped on his merry way, but returned shortly after that. He ended up sitting with me on the swing and swinging for a bit. After he left all I could think about was my childhood. I was always the person that the little kids flocked around. I'd go on great adventures with them and we'd play make believe for hours. I found such great joy in the company of those children. I always dreamed that I'd be surrounded by my own children one day. I planned on taking them on adventures too. We'd run around and play in mud puddles. And maybe if we were lucky we'd find some tadpoles in one of those puddles. I dreamed of taking them on hikes to see waterfalls and then jumping in the cool water in the summer time. And of course, I dreamed of teaching my children how to make things with their hands. I looked forward to seeing what their little minds could imagine up.

But that is not my reality. My reality is quiet. I can't stand the quiet. The quiet taunts me and tempts me to come here: at my desk, reading about the life I'd rather have.

Don't get me wrong. I won't abandon these friendships and connections I've made online. I do genuinely care about you all and want to be involved in your lives (as much as possible via our online relationships). But there are times when I have to pull myself back from such things. I don't do this because I'm jealous or mad. It is simply the only way I can cope.

I'm supposed to be on this journey to finding contentment. I find it periodically, but at other times it seems very illusive. Constantly going through highs and lows gets tiresome quickly and isn't the ultimate goal I seek. For now, I'm still learning and adjusting. There are times when I hit hard against my own stubborness. Yet more times when I'm faced with an overwhelming sense of fear and abandonment. I wonder when I'll ever find that sound balance.

The only one thing I'm sure of is that God is right here with me every step of the way. He won't leave me and He never has. My feet get weary often in this life, but I know that He's willing and able to carry me when I can't continue. I feel like I've spent more time in His arms than I have on my own two feet. I'm sure He doesn't mind, but I desire to not feel so weak and helpless sometimes. The Lord is my strength; my only strength. In Him I will wait.

Plarn Bag Line and Upcoming Dates

2009-06-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

I made an oops when posting this entry to this blog. I usually keep all my Creative Radiance items over on it's own blog, but after thinking about it I decided to leave this post here as well.

_________________________________________________
I'm pleased to introduce my newest plarn bag line. These bags are hand crocheted from recycled grocery store bags that I've turned into plastic yarn. So far I offer three sizes of plarn bags. I'm making mostly tan bags right now, but will be offering white bags soon. Since these bags are made from plastic you don't have to worry about getting them wet or how to wash them. The possibilities are almost endless!

I first introduced these bags at my local shop at the Farmer's Market. People have been fascinated and have asked for more bags. So I'm doing my best to deliver just that. These bags will make an appearance in my Etsy shop this week, but I will be offering them at a discounted rate to my local shoppers. Below are pictures are some details of each bag.

The Lunch Bag - a small bag measuring 8" wide by 11" tall (including handles). **
This little bag would be a nice little reusable lunch sack or a small fruit/veggie tote.

Drawstring Plarn Bag - this medium bag measures 10" wide by 15" tall. **
The perfect catch all bag with versatile handles. I've placed a beach towel, swimsuit and sunscreen in this one to make a wonderful beach/pool day.

Market Tote - the large bag measuring approx. 14" wide by 16" tall. **
This bag would be a nice addition to a nice long day of shopping.

**Please note: All bags have 2-4 inches of overall stretch as well. The mesh middles make it easier for the bag to stretch to accommodate it's contents.

UPCOMING LOCAL SHOP DATES :
I will be having my shop at the Andrews Farmer's Market in Hall Memorial Park from 8am - 12 noon (weather permitting or unless I sell out early) on the following dates in July.

July 4th and July 18th

(On vacation July 9th - 13th)

If you are a local customer and have missed my local shop date, please contact me via email at shopcreativeradiance@yahoo.com or leave a comment here on the blog. I will do my best to accommodate your needs.

The August shop dates and locations will be posted as soon as I make the schedule.

Thanks again for your support!
~*Melody*~

Just something about....

2009-06-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

Ya know there's just something about being in God's Will. You know His mercies are neverending, you know His prescence is all around, and you feel Him smiling down on you ! Ah, just pure ah!

I haven't felt like this in such a long time. I think this is contentment. I've been seeking for quite some time for God to help me be content with what He's given me. It's not that I took things for granted, it's that I was living for tomorrow instead of today. I was searching for who I wanted to become instead of embracing who I am today. Slowly I've been releasing and God has been filling me up ever since.

*takes a deep breath in* So this is what I've been searching for....it was here with me all along and I didn't even know it.

'Tis pleasant..... Thank you Abba...You knew how much I needed this.

~*Melody*~

P.S. This is a cross post from my other online journaling site.

Life Changes

2009-06-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

I've been delaying writing another post partly because I was in incredible denial and secondly because I've been so busy with all the changes.

My godchildren and their parents no longer live close to us. They have been assigned a new pastorship in the middle part of the state. So I'm adjusting to the fact that my dear little ones now live 5 hours away. It's been hard to face the facts. There's times when I can still hear my goddaughter calling out my name. I half expect to turn around and feel her wrap those little arms around me. I digress...I know that their family has to follow after God's Will, but I will miss seeing them on a regular basis.

The ministry oportunity that was presented to me a few weeks ago is still something I'm pursuing. It's not where I want to be and I feel like it's not really where I'm supposed to be, but for now I'm needed there. I will continue in this position until we can find a suitable replacement. I'm a litte pressed for time right now so I'm not able to go into any details at this time.

This will have to be the end to my quick update. I'm blogging from the public library because my internet has been down all day at home. I hope and pray it comes back on soon. Until next time....

~*Melody*~

Direction

2009-05-29T22:10:00.001-07:00

Lord,
I need your divine direction in my life. There are so many things coming all at once at me. I know that You are in part of this, but Lord I want to be in those parts and only those parts. Help me to know what Your Will is for my life. I'm trying my best to make You my priority in these decisions. Right now Lord I feel so unsure of the way I should go. I don't like feeling like this and I know there's no confusion in You. Please help me to make the appropriate decisions and let me know that it is the right way for me.

In Jesus Name.....AMEN.

______________________________________

After posting my last entry, I had a personal sort of open-your-mouth-insert-foot moment. It turns out that the very thing I was talking about turned around. I've been presented with a couple of opportunities to do some actual ministry within our local church. One of them will include using my creativity to teach some summer classes to our women. I'm very excited about teaching these classes and have already began to put together the things I need for them.

The next ministry opportunity came unfortunately when some truths came to light about a former person in leadership. I have worked in this type of ministry before (please forgive my vagueness) and feel very comfortable working in it again. However, I'm very hesitant to jump back into it. I do fear that I will "get stuck" there. I'm extremely uncertain about taking on this ministry again.

I'm equally concerned about the amount of things I'm actively involved in. One of the biggest lessons I learned from my former church experience was to never take on more than you can handle. I spread myself so incredibly thin while at that other church that I was on the verge of burnout at all times. I didn't have any time for myself and my family life suffered because of that. I refuse to fall back into that trap. I know God delivered me for a reason and I can't willfully jump back into it.

There's also my personal life to consider. I've been working hard over the past few months to prepare for the summer selling season for my home business, Creative Radiance. As it is now before any new commitments, I only have a couple of free Saturdays to set up my shop. If I don't have time through the week, I won't be able to continue making things and won't be making any money. We desperately need for me to earn some income over the summer. I must consider this as well before making any decisions

Oi !
~*Melody*~

Late Night Blogging

2009-05-23T23:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged here in the entire month of May. Part of me has been longing to share my heart, but most of me said I should guard it closely. You see over the past month, life has hit me with some incredible highs and lows. I am feeling stronger now, but there are moments when I'm overwhelmed with pure emotion.

Mother's Day came and went; another special day with empty arms. Our last child was due on Mother's Day so emotion and pain hit me hard on that day. I honestly haven't cried that much since our first couple miscarriages. I don't know what came over me, but I just let the tears flow. Many people at church noticed. I'm not sure if they all knew why I was crying, but they noticed. I received two lovely cards telling me that they were thinking about me and how I should be celebrated as well on this Day. I appreciated all the kindness and support from my church family. I also opened up a bit on my Facebook statuses. I'm amazed at how many people responded back with love, prayers and *hugs*. I never realized so many people would actually care about me enough to respond back, but they did and I am so grateful for those comments and their concern.

Shortly before Mother's Day came news about future plans for my godchildren and their parents. I can't share too much yet, because nothing is finalized yet, but there's a very high possibility that my godchildren will no longer live 15 minutes from me. It's more likely they'll live about 5 hours away. My heart breaks when I think about the distance between us. I love both of those children like my own. I have loved and cared for them their entire lives and the thoughts of not having them near have brought great sadness to me. I know that God has a plan for this family and that His ways are much higher than mine. I know that I can't be selfish and expect God to keep them near me because I love them so much. I also knew that there would probably be a day when God called them away. I know these things......but it doesn't make it hurt less.

One of those highs I spoke of above came unexpectedly for my fertility. While charting my temps, I discovered that I had indeed ovulated on cycle day 14, which is perfect in terms of a normal cycle. I could hardly believe it! Seeing those little reds lines on my chart sent such hope to me. My temps were staying high and my heart raced each day at the thoughts that I may be carrying another little one. After about a week's worth of increased breast tenderness and a few other odd symptoms, I was almost certain that I'd be announcing God's miracle working power in me in the next few weeks. Cycle day 28 came and as I took my temperature that morning I was so certain that it would be high that I almost didn't even look at it. But when I did look at it, I found it was extremely low, 96.5 to be exact. My heart sank as I realized that I wasn't pregnant and this was the signal of an impending start to a cycle. Later that day I did begin spotting. Thankfully, I was with my godchildren and their mother at a doctor's appointment when I discovered the spotting. They helped me keep my mind off of things for a while. However, later that evening those all too familiar feelings creeped back in and the deep disappointment lingered.

A few days later I was able to reflect on the past cycle though. God did bless me with a miracle; the miracle of a textbook, normal cycle. I couldn't ask for a better, more balanced cycle than the last one. I know that God sent the evening primrose oil my way for a reason. I took 3000mg for the first part of my cycle (prior to ovulation) and the results prove that it helped me. I also kept taking my 5 days of soy isoflavones and used progesterone cream the last part of my cycle. I plan to go on a soy break for 2 or 3 months and continue using EPO and NPC only.

I wish I had the time to blog about more things tonight, but I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is one of those long, tiresome days at church. I should describe them as stress filled days. I don't have the time or the energy to fully describe what's going on lately. I wish I could say that the stress derived from the overwhelming amount of good or ministry that we are doing, but sadly I can't. I am very discouraged and disappointed at the lack of actual ministry being accomplished right now, particularly through the women's ministries. Being a member of the leadership, I guess I should assume some of that responsibility. And before I say anything else that I might regret, I guess I should end this here and just ask for your prayers. I need some direction right now. I have seriously considered backing out of women's leadership for various reasons. I don't like to quit anything and find it hard to say no when asked for help, but I am learning that there are times in life when one must walk away from things. I don't know if this is one of those times or not. I'm just praying about it right now.

Blessings....
~*Melody*~

An Unexpected Bend EDIT

2009-04-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd give a brief ttc update since I've had some time to think about things. I'm going to be praying earnestly over the next few days about our next steps, but I believe it's time to move on from the soy isoflavones. It's been 5 or 6 months since I've last ovulated. The soy stopped working after that cycle. I'm not sure why. I started loosing a little bit of weight and that seemed to get everything off cycle. I don't think I've lost any during my past cycle so I can't blame weight loss this time. Maybe the soy only works for a limited time. *shrugs* There's really no way to determine the cause of the change.

My only course of action now is to find another natural treatment that might help. There are few natural options; evening primrose oil, vitex or chasteberry, a complete shutdown with the aid of progesterone cream, acupuncture, etc. And then there's the other option, returning to fertility drugs. I want to stay on the natural treatments as much as possible. Fertility drugs are my last and finally option. We've decided that we won't even consider these again till my 29th birthday.

I am going to add evening primrose oil to my next cycle from cycle day 1 till the day of ovulation or cycle day 14, whichever comes first. I may try to combine the soy on CD 3-7, but I'm not sure yet. If I do add vitex or chasteberry to the mix, it will be taken everyday and the results aren't noticeable until at least 3 months in. I have used vitex in the past with minimal results. It took 6 months to see any improvement. I would prefer to use something with a more immediate result. Right now our goal is to have a regular cycle and to see ovulation again.

A complete shutdown with the aid of progesterone cream takes 3 months. The shutdown basically stops every aspect of your cycles and puts your body into a temporary pseudo menopause. I've researched this in depth and while the logistics make sense, I'm still very cautious about doing this. I know 3 months doesn't sound like a long time, but it is when you only have basically 2 years of time to work with. Remember doctors have predicted menopause to start around age 30 for me. Although recent research has shown that most women with PCOS have a peak of fertility at age 35. I don't want to take any unnecessary chances though. I'd love to believe the new research, but at this point there needs to be much more research before those findings can be labeled conclusive.

Acupuncture is definitely something I'd consider. However, right now there's no way I could afford it. There's also not any definite research that shows conclusive positive results from acupuncture on PCOS patients.

So I'm left back at almost square one. It is a familiar place though as I've been here many many times before. Just the other day I was thanking and praising God on a private forum about his blessings to my health. You see there are so many other aspects of my health and fertility that could be wrong, but they aren't. God has spared me from so many things and I thank Him for that. I feel like I was attacked a bit after sharing that praise, but that isn't going to stop me from praising God for those blessings, because they are MY blessings. No matter how long this road of infertility might be, I will NEVER stop praising God for His work in me. And though I can't see the end or even the next bend of this road, I will journey on and through this journey I will bless others because that's what God's instructed me to do. I can't control the journey or PCOS, but I can control how I take this journey.

~*Melody*~

**EDIT** I need to clarify something. When I mentioned above that I felt like I'd been attacked since posted the praise entry on a private forum, I WASN'T referring to being attacked by an individual. I meant that I feel like Satan attacked me in my personal life. I'm so sorry if I offended anyone over this. I'm sorry that I didn't make my point very clear in this post. Please know that I honor and treasure each of you that are on that private forum and I would never post that I felt attacked in my blog. I would first consult with you all about the situation. Oh dear....I feel so bad for not being clear in this post.
EEKS :-(

STELLAN

2009-04-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

Please check out the news link below. I've been following this lady's blog for quite sometime. I remember praying for Stellan before he was even born. He was born a healthy baby, but this month he became ill again like he was in the womb. You know you think about your own situations and get down. But then you read and hear stories like these and realized how blessed you are.

News Link

~*Melody*~

TTC Update

2009-03-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I begin my soy isoflavones again. This cycle I'll be taking 200mg for 5 days. I've had the most ovulation success at this dosage, so that's why I'm returning to that dosage. I lost 8 lbs. and it totally messed up my last cycle. I'm not sure why. I thought that weight loss was supposed to help your reproductive organs. Maybe not for me.

I'm praying that the soy starts working again. It hasn't worked since my December '08 cycle. I'll also be adding Evening Primrose Oil gel caps in this cycle. They are supposed to help my cervix to open more. Since I've had so many miscarriages my cervix has some scars and is harder than it should be. I'm praying that the evening primrose will help without causing too much pain for me. They have been known to cause uterine contractions. I'm willing to take the pain if it brings results though.

Sadly we've already pass the mark for conceiving and giving birth to a 2009 baby (full term that is). I did take some time to mourn the loss of another year. But there's still hope of conceiving sometime in 2009 for a 2010 arrival. So many of my high school classmates are pregnant right now. They will all give birth within a month or so of each other. No doubt their children will be good friends and classmates. I was hoping to join them. Maybe that's a bit selfish of me to want my child to have "instant" friends, but one can dream right? It's definately going to be hard at my 10 year reunion this year if I'm not expecting yet. But that's another story for another day.

My husband turns 30 in less than a month. He seems to be ok with the big 3-0, but I'm so scared of aging. I've started to see a gray hair or two on his head. When I first saw one, I literally cried; not because of his changing looks, but because I realized we're getting old and haven't even had children yet. I've been praying for his health and that God would keep him young. He's so loving and so caring for me. Honestly, I'm scared that our best days are behind us though. I'm wondering if I'll even have the energy and ability to care for a child whenever we get there.

Most of the children in our neighborhood were outside playing yesterday. It was a gorgeous day and I had all the windows and doors open. I sat for a little bit watching two young children playing in my yard and closeby. I couldn't help but think about how much I'd love to see my own child out there playing. I've always wanted to be able to participate with the neighborhood families, but we don't have a family to participate with. Being childless doesn't just affect me emotionally, but also socially. There are so many social things that "require" the presence of children. I've never wanted to be the partier or the adult socialite. I want nothing more than to be a mother covered in breastmilk, slobber, and Cheerios. There's nothing I dream about more.

I've been reading a book called Knit Together: Discover God's Pattern for Your Life by Debbie Macomber. I'm only a couple chapters into it. So far it's been talking about how God gives us dreams, passions and desires. The author uses her own story of becoming a writer as a basis for her encouragement to face your dreams with expectancy. Reading this book is very bittersweet for me. On one hand, I am encouraged to continue to hope that my dreams will come true. But on the other hand, I can't make my dreams come true like so many can. I can't put my all into things and see actual success, because I have absolutely no control over my body. While I have many dreams of doing things for God, when it comes down to it, my one true dream is to be a mother. I believe that all the other things will fall into place. Meanwhile though, I'm just sitting around waiting and trusting that God has my best interests at heart.

In an effort to conclude this rambling session, I'll close with the scripture basis for the above mentioned book.....
Psalm 139
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. 3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. 4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. 5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it. 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. 9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me; 12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You. 13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! 18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;When I awake, I am still with You. 19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God! Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men. 20 For they speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain. 21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? 22 I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

So Hard to Explain....

2009-03-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

Suicide is such a hard thing to explain. Tonight we learned of someone directly linked to our church family who committed suicide. Amongst all the tears you could see real fear and questions written all over people's faces. What can you really tell a teenager about suicide...other than the fact that it happened. There's no answers and no reasoning that bring any comfort to the hurting.

Suicide is such a selfish act. It's wounds go far deeper than the physical act. People's lives are forever changed by suicide. I know my life has been changed by several suicides. There's a certain kind of anger that rises up in me when I think about those in my own life who've committed such an act.

I desire your prayers for our church family during this trying time. Pray that God will send comfort and guidance over our teens specifically.

Thanks....
~*Melody*~

Change of Plans and Illness

2009-03-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

Wow its amazing how fast plans can change, huh? My weekend ended up being nothing like what I wrote about in the last entry. Lou changed her mind and didn't stay with us. So we took on a different project....living room reconstruction. There had been a spot on our floor that felt weak under your feet. So my hubby and I moved around the entire living and dining room so that we could pull back the carpet and address the flooring issue.

Sure enough when we got the carpet pulled back, there was a square that had to be replaced. Apparently one of the tongues in our tongue-n-groove subfloor had given out over time. So we got that all replaced and the carpet back down. Then there was the hard task of moving everything back.

I'm amazed at how much junk one can accumulate over a couple years. There were things inside our entertainment center that I never even knew existed. LOL, it was a bit of a hidden treasure hunt, particularly with a video of Adrian and I from Summer '04. Goodness that video was taken almost 5 years ago. My my how life has changed in those 5 years.

We finished up all the moving and cleaning Saturday night. I believe this is a true miracle. I didn't think we'd finish till later in the week because there was just so much stuff everywhere. I was so surprised and so proud of my husband for all his help in getting the cleaning done.

Shortly after I went to sleep Saturday night I woke up feeling very dizzy and I was freezing. I reached over and grabbed my trusty thermometer (read annoying) that lives beside my bed (thanks to infertility). My temp. was right at 102 degrees (F). Oi. I knew it then, I had picked up the nasty little virus that has been floating around for months. Here it is spring and I hadn't caught it yet. I thought I'd escaped it, but I was wrong.

Today is the first day I've felt well enough to sit up for a while. My fevers finally broke sometime overnight. I'm so thankful because I was beginning to feel out of my mind. Its wonderful to feel level headed again. ;-)

~*Melody*~

With a More Level Head

2009-03-19T20:43:00.001-07:00

First of all, I just want to thank all of those who read my last post. Thanks for your support, wisdom and prayers. I appreciate that you gave honest and genuine responses.

I'm not exactly sure what drove me to such a low. I think it may have been rooted in the time I spent in that room earlier that day. The questioning had been in my mind for some time though. It's very ironic that I was writing that entry while watching "Mama Mia". LOL, you'd think that a light hearted musical would have brought me some happiness and an uplifted entry. Oh well, that emotion filled entry is over with now.

Today RL and I spent some time with Genna at the park. She is so precious sometimes. There were several little girls that she talked to. She was even encouraging them to be big girls on the swings. I enjoyed going down the big metal slide with her. LOL, it's the only one adults can really fit on. It's also the one I used to play on as a child. I find it rewarding to share something with our goddaughter that I enjoyed as a child.

Poor Genna was totally exhausted though. She took a lot of water breaks during her playtime. She was super clingy too. We went to McD's for a snack and to let her play in their play area. As I was standing in line waiting for our food, RL came carrying her back to me. She was crying and I was sure she'd gotten hurt. She wasn't hurt, just wanting her mommy and to go home. We brought her home and she cuddled with me for about 45 minutes while we watched TV. It was so nice snuggling up with her. I was telling her how much I enjoyed our cuddles. She looked up at me and said "You love me and I just love you too." I almost cried. Good times...yep good times.

Our night ended with Lou's chorus concert and some late dinner at the Mexican place in town. Tomorrow's plans are for some grocery shopping. I've been using coupons lately and have been learning about ways to save as much as possible. I need to do a post about what I've learned. Maybe I could do that tomorrow. I'll also be doing a bit of cleaning before we pick Lou up from track practice. She's staying the weekend with us. So that means I'll get to be "momma to a teen" for the weekend.

~*Melody*~

I Suppose....

2009-03-16T19:43:00.001-07:00

I suppose this post should be going into my private waiting on baby blog. But I felt the need to share this with someone other than myself. There will be pictures involved, but I need to share the feelings more.

For quite some time I've been saving baby clothing and items for our future children. Actually we've been gathering items up since we found out about our first pregnancy back in 2000. We only bought a few items for that first pregnancy before we found out that they (multiples) had not survived. We were pregnant again just a few months later and just knew that joy would finally come to us. I bought lots of things during the few weeks of that wee one's life. I drew up some plans for my husband to build a large hope chest to house all my child's treasures till their birth or at least till the nursery was finished. Unfortunately that baby passed weeks before the hope chest was completed.

Years passed and so did several more pregnancies. My hope remained in that chest for so long. Here and there I'd buy things for certain pregnancies or just for the hope of the next one. I stuffed little baby items into that chest until I couldn't even get the top closed anymore. So the items miagrated to a new home....an actual room....a nursery.

Here's that nursery now...

A view of the closet, with all the cute little dresses and outfits.

Top drawer of the dresser, complete with shoes, tights, hairbows, pacifiers, hats, bibs, etc.

The Care Bears art that matches the crib set we bought for the '05-'06 pregnancy.

The second drawer of the dresser/changing table. It's full of sleepers, onesies, and pj's.

The toy shelf - completely overflowing....with a nice prayer cross under it (I have the matching boy version in the bottom dresser drawer.)

The big watch clock on the wall, next to the piggy bank partial full of money for a child that isn't even conceived yet.

The peaceful corner.....

Ellie, the elphant I bought .... after...

So here's those feelings I need to share. Lately I've been thinking that maybe I should get rid of these things. These little items of hope that I've held onto so long. A friend of mine once advised that I get rid of them; that I should just erase that away. But I'm so torn. I don't want to give up hope, but am I hanging onto hope or memories of the past. While I wait, how many children could be using these items? Is it selfish of me to hold onto these things?

Has my chance, my promised child already came and gone? I don't know and I won't know until or if things ever change. I know this sounds like a bit of a degression from some of my former posts. Maybe it is, or maybe this is just the beginning of something to come.

~*Melody*~

Walking Teams

2009-03-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

I thought it was time I did a post about the women's walking teams that we've recently started at church. I guess I'm the one kinda 'over' said project. I'm really excited about finally having someone to walk with. The downside is that I have to travel a bit to get to the walking track. It should be good for all of us though. There's a certain young lady in our church that I hope has a chance to walk with us. I'd like to get to know her better. She and I don't seem to have a lot in common, but for some reason I feel like I'm supposed to get to know her.

Anyway back to the walking teams. I'll be the lead person for the Tuesday morning team and our women's director will be the lead person for the Thursday evening team. I hope to get to participate with both actually. If these teams are successful, we'll be offering some actual exercise classes at our church in the future.

For my team, I'll be starting off with scripture and prayer. I want our scriptures to focus on walking with God. These scriptures have nothing to do with walking for exercise, but I think it's important to focus on our walks with God. I'll be doing a bit of a devotional from me following the scripture. I'd like to share this with you all as well. So be on the lookout for a Tuesday's walking post. I'll be sharing a more expanded version of my devotional and may even give some more scriptures to go along with it. I'll also be briefly sharing about the walk, friendships forming, distance walked and experiences.

But today I'm going to sit back and listen to a podcast while I knit. I'm still pondering that nap I posted about on my Twitter. We'll see....

~*Melody*~

There Are Days...

2009-03-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

There are days in ones life that mean more than others. Days when things just seem to click. Days that seem they could last forever and that you'd be happy till the day you die.

And then there are days that seem like life will continue to dredge along. Days when you question your whole existence. Days when you look at a photo and see only everything that's missing.

There's often a great divide in the mind; a divide that needs some sort of bridge. I have often looked for such a bridge, only to find it too is one of those things that's missing.

While this entry makes no sense to most, for me, it's a transitions of sorts. I believe it's the transition between emptiness and contentment. I desire the latter, but often feel the former. Yet very slowly, by God's grace alone, the emptiness seems to dissipating....at least for this day.

~*Melody*~

My Life Suddenly Got Very Busy

2009-03-02T15:49:00.000-08:00

Just days after writing my last entry, my life seemed to burst with activity. A good portion of that activity revolves around church. My calendar is almost completely booked between now and June. Whew, it's quite exhausting I won't lie. Honestly, at times I've felt very overwhelmed and questioned why I let myself get involved. Right now I don't feel like there's a lot of real ministry involved in the activities and things we have planned. I desire so much to seek out spiritual goals and not social goals. Yes there needs to be a certain level of social activities, but I believe that needs to be balanced by opportunities for spiritual growth.

Lord, only You know why I am here at this time in my life. I trust that You know completely what's in store for my particular "place" here. Right now I'm stressing some. I know that stress isn't good for me. I know You delivered me from an overstressed situation before and I'm trying hard not to allow myself to fall back into that. Please help me find the balances. Help me see Your will in this and let me not loose sight of that.

On another topic, I've been a terrible blogger. I seem to do this often. I get a nice following of people by writing on a regular basis. Then suddenly I stop posting entries on a regular basis and I loose all my web traffic. I've also gotten lazy when leaving comments to my friends, family, and fellow bloggers. Please accept my sincere appologies. I promise to be better....soon.

In addition to all the new responsibilities I spoke of above, I've been on a cleaning and organizing rampage around my home. I am so happy and pleased to report that minus a few odds and ends here and there, I HAVE ALL THE ROOMS THE WAY I WANT THEM! LOL, I have lived here almost 8 years and am finally content with the placement of things. Oi....I have waited so long for this. Now the hard work comes...keeping it this way. Right now I'm just living in the joy of being proud of myself.

~*Melody*~

March 1 Memory Verse Beth Moore's Scripture Memorization Challenge
Job 23:10-11 (NIV)
10 But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
11 My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside.

Peaceful Weekend

2009-02-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

The past weekend was one of those that just renews and refreshes you. I've felt much more peace lately and I'm just soaking that all in. It's incredible to feel such a newness in my spirit and to feel so light and burden free. I'm not exactly sure what's changed in me, but I know God had something to do with it ;-).

Friday my mom and I spent some time together after she had her taxes prepared. It was a nice relaxed time including a quilt shop and Lowes. RL and I started off our night with a dinner sponsored by our youth at church. They were showing Fireproof following the dinner, but we decided not to stay since we'd already seen the movie. We then did a bit of shopping and went to see another movie at the theater. The movie we saw wasn't that great, but it was just nice to have a date night out. We didn't get home till around 1am, but it was so nice just to have fun together.

Saturday we had planned on going out of town to get RL's eyes examined and for some shopping, however we were unable to find an office that would see RL. So we decided to just sleep in and spend the day close to home. Since it was so amazingly beautiful and warm, we decided to take a drive and spend some time out and about. On a whim we decided to drive down to a local lake. By the time we got there the sun was starting to set on the water. It was so gorgeous. I wish I had taken my camera. I took a few shots right before we left with my cell phone. The sun was just setting over the mountains. Ahhh, what a peaceful setting.

Sunday I had the typical church day. That afternoon was my first meeting as a member of the women's core leadership team. I haven't written about this yet, but recently I was placed on this team. I agreed to a 2 year term and will be working closely with the ladies ministry, both in the church and in the community. I’m both excited and anxious about what that will mean for my future in ministry.

And here's a few pictures of my Saturday at the lake. You can see a bit of new hair cut too.

I really like how relaxed we both look in these pictures. I'm seeing new facebook photos, don't you?

~*Melody*~

P.S. A prayer request....I'm contemplating starting a neighborhood women's bible study. It has been on my mind for months, but I haven't given any real serious thought to it. I'm now praying about it and seeing if this is something that I should pursue.

Quite Random

2009-02-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

I've gotten really behind in blogging lately. I read many blogs and often neglect my own in the process. So today's entry will be quite random and filled with pictures.

First of all, a few late Christmas photos of our godchildren.

Genna enjoying the hat and scarf I made for her.

Genna's 'reading' her new book to everyone. Noah just enjoyed a nice bottle there in the background.

Next we had a lovely visit with my cousin Adrian and her family. I so enjoyed seeing her mothering her little Grayson. Grayson is so precious and it literally broke my heart to leave him. As we were leaving I couldn't hold the tears back. I miss both of them terribly.Grayson and I lounging on the couch.

Monday we took Genna to Fun Factory for a nice play day out.

Only in the south would you see a cow milking attraction/game. Genna was so cute looking up at the enormous cow.

One finally picture as we were leaving to head home.

~*Melody*~

Next Entry: Look forward to new haircut pics.

Bullet Style ;-)

2009-01-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

A quick bullet style update:

* Spent most of yesterday re-organizing all the books in the house - all 4 bookshelves now look great with room to spare ;-)

* Getting ready this week for our trip next week - I'm going to get to see Baby Grayson again. I'm so excited to see him and his mommy, Adrian. We should have time to see all the family too and I can't wait to just get away and be happy with them all.

*Starting my 2009 inspiration journal - I'll be sharing some of it here and some at my creative blog (that's way overdue for an update).

*Felt a lot more joy lately...unexplainable joy. In a word...it has been LOVELY !

* Took the Scripture memorization challenge over at the LPM blog. I'll post about this on the 15th when we change to another scripture.

* Going to the gym for the first time on Friday. I'll be spending a couple hours there and vow to not be too hard on myself.

* Have a home appointment with a friend from church on Friday - I'm doing a one on one session teaching her how to knit. I'll be going back in two weeks to see her progress.

*Now I'm off to do my bible study and quiet time while taking a nice long bubble bath....well just as soon as I figure out what music I want to listen to on the CD player in the bathroom. LOL.

Blessings...
~*Melody*~

BTW, I've finally narrowed down my goal list for 2009 and plan to list it soon. Oh and you remember that thankful entry I never posted last year. Well it'll be ready soon too, possibly in multiple parts. I took a long time to reflect on it and found that God blessed me more than I even had realized. I think it's been a healing process for me.

Oh So Out of Shape !

2009-01-07T12:31:00.000-08:00

I just finished an excruciating workout. Goodness, I had no idea I was that out of shape until midway through the exercise DVD when my heart was pounding so hard and I felt like I was surely going to vomit. Oi, I can't believe that my body is in such poor shape. It's a wake up call for sure.

I've went walking for the past two Mondays. Last week I walked 2 miles in 30 minutes and this week 2 miles in 20 minutes. The first week I walked by myself while listening to my MP3 player. I suppose that I sped up and slowed down depending on the song that was playing. This week my husband, RL walked with me and we talked while walking. He walks at a bit faster pace than me and I did my best to keep up with him. So I guess he made the time difference.

If the weather and my asthma would co-operate, I'd walk outside more. But I don't see that happening anytime soon. So I'm planning to start going to a local gym at least twice a week to walk on the treadmill and elliptical machine. I'd love to go to some of their classes, but until my endurance levels rise the only classes I'll be doing is water aerobics.

I didn't really exercise at all last year because of my health issues. I was giving my body proper time to heal on its own, so that I wouldn't have any more bleeding or pain issues. My goal for starting back with exercising is to help manage my PCOS and to tone up some. The weight I loose will only be a healthy bonus. It's our hope and prayer that the exercise will help my ovaries and improve our chances of conceiving. Admittedly, I do want to feel better for my upcoming high school reunion too.

So I need some encouragement here people ! Anyone else joining me for this wellness challenge?

~*Melody*~

P.S. In case you missed it, there's an entry before this filled with some thought provoking faith-based questions.

*EDIT* Please say a prayer for me if you would. Maybe the exercise was too much for me, I'm having almost doubling over pains in my lower stomach. It feels like my uterus is pulsing. Ugg, I guess it's just back to walking for me.

God Seems Far Away, But Where Am I ?

2009-01-06T11:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday a dear friend of mine wrote about feeling far away from God and in a low place spiritually. My heart went out to her as she explained her recent struggles. I know those struggles well and have been there many many times. There are days that I feel like I'm so close to God, yet others when He feels so far away. I began thinking about my own struggles as I read her entry. Why must one feel this way? Is there some reason behind feeling that God is far away. Then this question entered my mind: God seems far away, but where am I?

In reality God is anything but far away. Could it be that actually we are far away? Could it be that our hearts are so cluttered by the darkness of this world or our own personal darkness that we can't see or feel God?

I began searching the scriptures for some explaination at why we as Christians go through these dark times. My mind instantly went to Job. Most of us think about Job when we think of suffering and personal struggles, but do we really relate with Job? I mean, not many of us can say that everything we held dear to us has been taken away. Job had lost all his children, servants, livestock and his health. He had everything and then had nothing within a very short period of time. The only thing God allowed him to keep was a nagging and doubting wife and a few friends who didn't understand what he was going through. We may have not suffered on the same level as Job, but we are human just as he was. We struggle with some of the same feelings he had: grief, anger, confusion and frustration.

So let's look at Job 23:9-11 (NKJV)
9 When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him;
When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him.
10 But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.
11 My foot has held fast to His steps;
I have kept His way and not turned aside.

In this passage, Job was questioning God's whereabouts. Job couldn't understand why God seemed to be so far away. But what I notice most about this passage is that God was working on Job the whole time, yet Job couldn't see God. If you look at this scripture in the Message version, it shows Job's anger with God. Yet in the end, Job had to honor God and not turn from Him. He knew that God would bring him from this extreme low; an extreme low He even called deep darkness later on in the chapter.

Let's go on and look at 1Peter 1:6-8 (NKJV)
6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials,
7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,
8 whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,

God is looking for a genuine faith. These low times, times of testing and "various trials" are needed to improve our faith; just like fire is needed to purify gold. Rest assured when you go through these lows that God is proving you. As difficult and frustrating as it may be, God is leading you through this so that he can deepen your faith and trust in Him. I hope you can find some comfort in these scriptures. I believe that God spoke to my heart as well through them.

~*Melody*~

On a side note.....
Jeremiah 23:29 (NKJV)
29 “ Is not My word like a fire?” says the LORD,
“ And like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?

I also found this scripture as I was reading last night. In my deepest darkest times, I feel like my heart grows hard, much like the rock mentioned in this verse. The answer to breaking through that rock.....the fire of the Word ! How awesome is that !

Happy New Year

2008-12-31T21:06:00.000-08:00

Here's to a much better 2009....Happy New Year Everyone !

~*Melody*~

Just FYI...Those are non alcoholic pina colada's I made tonight.....

Merry Christmas

2008-12-23T23:09:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone !!!!

Admittedly this is a very hard time of year for me. I'm finding it especially hard this year. The joy that Christmas once brought, now brings me the ever real reality of pain and loss. One day I hope to have that joy return, but for now I'll just gaze at everyone else's joy from a distance.

I'm finding it difficult to even go to the relatives homes this year. The only reason I'm going is to see my dad and give him the hat that I've knit for him. One always wants to make their father happy. I can't make him proud of me, but I can give him a little something I've made.

Anywho, Merry Christmas to all. I hope to be able to rejoin you in the new year with a better outlook on life. For now, I'm going to go back to my little world of pain.

Blessings,
~*Melody*~

110 About Me

2008-12-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

Found this from Lauren. Put an asterisk by what you’ve done! My comments in parenthesis.

*1. Started your own blog
*2. Slept under the stars
*3. Played in a band (marching/concert/jazz)
4. Visited Hawaii
*5. Watched a meteor shower
*6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld
*8. Climbed a mountain
*9. Held a praying mantis
*10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
*13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
*14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (several)
15. Adopted a child
*16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
*18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
*21. Had a pillow fight
*22. Hitch hiked
*23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
*24. Built a snow fort
*25. Held a lamb
*26. Gone skinny dipping (well sorta....)
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
*29. Seen a total eclipse
*30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
*31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
*34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (Yes my native American ones)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
*37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (For a few months, it didn't last long though.)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
*39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
*41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
*45. Walked on a beach by moonlight (One of my all time favorite things to do.)
*46. Been transported in an ambulance
*47. Had your portrait painted (Caricature, does that count?)
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
*52. Kissed in the rain
*53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
*57. Started a business (Doing that one now.)
*58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
*60. Served at a soup kitchen
*61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching (Would love to!)
*63. Got flowers for no reason
*64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving ( I want to do this one too.)
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
*67. Bounced a check (Unfortunately, but not on purpose.)
68. Flown in a helicopter
*69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (um, all of them.)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
*71. Eaten Caviar
*72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired/laid off from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
*77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
*80. Published a book (A few poems and creative writing short stories in a book, not MY actual book.)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
*84. Had your picture in the newspaper (More times than I could count...I live in a small area.)
*85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
*87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (Gross I know.)
*88. Had chicken pox
*89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury (Does getting called for jury duty count? I got called last year, but not picked.)

*91. Met someone famous
*92. Joined a book club
*93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby (I'm not sure how to answer this one.)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
*97. Been involved in a law suit (When I was a child, I was in a car accident. My parents settled it though.)
*98. Owned a cell phone
*99. Been stung by a bee
100. Seen Mount Rushmore in person
*101. Learned to play an instrument
102. Kissed the Blarney Stone (LOL, should I be embarrassed that I don't know what this is?)
103. Ridden a camel
104. Been arrested
*105. Visited someone in jail.
*106. Flown a Kite
107. Been surfing (Oh I'd love to.)
*108. Had a broken heart
*109. Wished on a star
110. Fell off a horse (Almost but not quite.)

If you are interested, fill it out too and let me know.

~*Melody*~

Determination

2008-12-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up with a bit of determination I had not went to sleep with. I dreamed a very disturbing dream this morning about my upcoming high school reunion next year. I saw each of my class mates in their 10 year senior state with their respective spouses; some with children present, but most without. It was strange as we began to talk to one another. My classmates all seemed so happy to see each other again. Most of them I recognized right away, but others had changed a lot. Apparently I was one of those who'd changed a lot, because no one recognized me without me first telling who I was. ( In real life, there are a lot of people who still recognize me.) I found that a bit disturbing, but wasn't really bothered by it.

The disturbing part came when we all decided to play a game of charades. The object of the game was to act out a description of yourself when you were in high school. Some people were acting like their old selves, but most were acting out friends or others. I stood around, watched and laughed with others while they performed their acts. Standing there the whole time, I couldn't think of one thing to act out about myself. Finally I was the last one to play, a former teacher, whom I didn't recognize, came to me and encouraged me just to do something. She suggested I pretend to read a letter and let them just give me a pity guess or two. I was appalled and wanted no part of that. In a weird twist, people just walked off without saying anything to me and went to do their own things. Even my best friends and those I'd been closest to in high school just avoided me.

The dream continued to include me crying with a friend who's 2 year old tragically died a few years ago. After she and I had cried some, she started laughing; the kind of laugh that just roars and you suddenly realize it's about you. Goodness, I couldn't get away from ridicule in that dream.

I woke up with a bit of determination though. I woke up determined to remember something about myself. I don't know what's happened to my brain, but I can barely remember high school anymore. I remember going to class and people's names, but the details are very fuzzy now. I can remember that I was sorta popular, at times anyway. I was one of the brains with good (ok decent) looks. I dated some, was a member of almost every club, hung out with almost every little cliche at some point, was into music and part of the most successful group of the school. But that's really all I remember....well other than my screw ups. I remember those vividly. I also remember being known as the 'skirt girl', because I was forced (by my church) to wear dresses or skirts all the time until I was in 10th grade. I finally stood up for myself and choose to rebel against those who had false authority over me. I went too far actually, but that's another story for another time.

Back to my determination....I'm determined to find my memories again. I don't know how I lost them, but I know they are still in my head somewhere. I'm also determined to look and feel my best for that reunion. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and was quite scared to see what chronic illness and loss has done to my body. Call this an early new years' resolution if you want, but I will loose some weight and tone up in the new year (providing that I'm not pregnant). I'm determined to have something to show for myself. Right now the only thing I have to show is what a mess I've become. I have no career successes, no children, etc, etc. But I'm going to have something. I'm not sure what, but I'm going to pray that God sends me something, because I'm tired of feeling like a nobody. I'm not a nobody, no matter what lies the devil may tell me.

Anywho, I'm off to prepare my grocery list and head to the store.

Maybe I Need to Rant More Often?

2008-12-09T12:45:00.000-08:00

Wow I think I got more comments on the last entry than I have on almost any other. Who would have known that talking about MSG would get such a response? Maybe I need to rant more often? *shrugs*

I've been battling a nasty little bug for the past 48 hours. I'm not sure what it is/was exactly. Yesterday I thought it was sinus related because I had some sinus and throat symptoms. But those seem to be pretty much gone today. Thank the Lord. I was so miserable all day yesterday. I haven't even left the house since Saturday afternoon. So, yes, that means that I missed church all day Sunday.

I'm in such a strange place spiritually. On one hand I feel like God has opened some new horizons for me. I feel like He's opening up the Word so fresh to me. I'm studying things lately that I've wanted to forever. God has spoken to me everytime I've opened up my Bible. It's such a time of refreshing on a personal level. But then there's the other side of my spirituality, it's a part that feels dry and somewhat distant. It's strange to feel such extremes. The latter part I believe is directly related to church life. There's times when I almost dread to go. It's not that I don't like my church, its just that compared to my personal times with God, it feels so dry. Does that make any sense? Maybe my expectations of church are different than they should be. I expect to go and be fed; truely fed the Word of God. The messages are good and I'm not trying to complain about them, but I just don't feel that same level as my personal times. Should I or am I expecting too much? It's just strange.

On the TTC front, things seem to be going smoothly. My cycle looks great so far. This is our last attempt at pregnancy in 2008. A big part of me is very apathetic about our chances for this year. I want to be hopeful, but right now I'm just surviving I guess. Unless you've been through this battle, it's hard to imagine the stress of it all. As the days go on, adoption is looking more and more appealing to me. But I know, for me, this is a temptation to give up. I must obey what God has asked me to do; simply believe and be still.

I'm off to find something to cook for dinner tonight.

Blessings,
~*Melody*~

An MSG Rant EDIT

2008-12-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

Last night RL and I were in the grocery store trying to find some ranch dressing. I usually make my own dressing, but I was out of the necessary ingredients to make my mix. To avoid spending a bundle on spices, I thought I'd just buy a bottle already made. Boy was I was shocked when I checked the labels of all the popular (aka delicious) brands of ranch dressing ! Every single one of them contained MSG (monosodium glutamate) . It frustrates me to no end that almost everything now contains this harmful substance. It's very difficult to shop for ordinary things. I posted a video below that shows some of the harmful neurological effects of MSG. I also have some physical reactions to MSG. Almost upon touching my tongue, my skin begins to become bright red and blotchy. I start to feel slightly nauseous and if there's a high concentration I can even become dizzy. The next day's effects are much worse though. I experience terrible stomach cramps and diarrhea, which often leave me bed bound for a couple hours.

One recent MSG reaction happened at KFC. I don't usually eat there, but I received some coupons in the mail and gave in. RL had worked a long shift and I had been busy all day, so there was no dinner made at home that day. I went to KFC out of the sheer convenience. I later wished I hadn't given into that convenience factor. We both got the hot bar there. I took a couple bites of some breaded okra and immediately the rush of redness came over my skin. I started to chill and felt like the sides of my face were literally expanding. I continued to eat some chicken and didn't notice any change, but when I ate another piece of okra, my symptoms increased. I'm certain that the okra was full of MSG to cause that degree of a reaction. A bit later, my symptoms started going away, but then I ate a little bite of the skin from my chicken and it all started again. So apparently I now am not able to eat there anymore. Take this as a word of caution if you too are allergic or highly sensitive to MSG.... no KFC.

MSG is a terrible toxin in our foods today. I learned a lot by watching the following video. I had always wondered why I was so drawn to foods with MSG. You ladies know that kind of craving I'm talking about right? You know when your mouth is literally watering thinking about some nice cheesy Doritos or Cheetos or even some peanut butter. Now I know why those things have enticed me so. I hope you'll be enlightened some from this entry and the video below. If you don't want these toxins in your body, please do some research and check your food labels. It's really important to take care of your body, especially for those of us trying to conceive and/or with PCOS.

~*Melody*~

**Edit** I wanted to add a link to another website. http://www.msgtruth.org/
This page in particular.
Apparently there's research now that theorizes some cancers can now be linked to glutamate receptor cells. Interesting...huh?

After Some Prayers...

2008-12-03T10:52:00.000-08:00

Since my last post, I've really spent some time in prayer. Most of it though has just been meditative prayer, meaning that I've been just sitting and letting God speak to my heart. God knows the questions that I have and He's honored me by answering a few.

Some answers:
How do I move away from youth ministry? His reply - Slowly. Prayerfully. Guided only by Me.
I'm still not exactly sure what that means, but I know that my biggest apprehension was thinking that I was just going to have to rip myself away like you'd rip a band aid off a wound. I anticipated the transition to happen immediately and that it would leave me empty. I dreaded that feeling of complacency that I have strived so hard to avoid. God's words have brought me some needed reassurance.

Do I just leave these kids and completely turn my back on them? His reply - No.
Again I'm not sure of how my relationships will change with these kids, but apparently God doesn't expect me to leave them high and dry. This eases my heart more than I'm able to articulate. It also gives me hope in the direction He's leading. The thoughts that keep running through my mind are that I may still have a ministry with this age, just that God wants to remove me from the traditional quote-on-quote youth ministry. It's hard to explain, but I feel that God is continually pulling me from these comfort zones that have held me for so long.

What doors will this close for us in our local church? His reply - silence....
I think I know the reason for the silence. I'm sure this is an area that God is trying to show me that He's working behind the scenes. I know the importance of this issue in my mind, but I suspect that He doesn't count this as such an importance. ....ouch....toes...stepped....on.....

So where does this all leave me right now? In a word, still. I'm left still at the moment. My husband and I haven't talked a lot about this. I suspect that God is working on his heart too and I'm sure he'll let me know all about it once he feels like he can. The only thing we've talked about is not doing anything till after the beginning of the new year.

So at this point I'm at....We shall see.

~*Melody*~

Transitions....

2008-11-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

Some transitions are easier than others. The one I'm about to describe is not one of the easy ones. It's through transitions like these that I reflect back on these words penned by Ralph Waldo Emerson...

"Not in his goals but in his transitions is man great."

And so as I pen my own words, my heart is heavy. I have felt this tug for a few months and have made every excuse for it. But no longer can I push this tugging aside. What is the tug, you ask? I even dread writing these words. It hurts to even contemplate that I'm going to write the words I know I need to.

It is time I said goodbye; goodbye to youth ministry.

I'm now sure that God is pulling me away. Today I sat and spoke with another youth leader who's been having some questions of their own. Talking with that person solidified the feelings I've been having. My husband and I have spoke about it. He's expressed a desire to let go, but I haven't been able to let go. I don't want to let go, but I feel I must.

There's so many questions on my heart and so many unknowns at this point. My heart literally trembles inside of me as I contemplate the hows of this transition. How do I leave when I know that I don't want to? I know God called me into this so many years ago, yet why am I being called away now? These are the questions I have for God and no human answer will do. I desire to hear from God directly. As scripture says, I will seek God with all my heart and soul and I will find Him (Deut. 4:29).

With a heavy heart, I write these words tonight not knowing the purpose of this calling to what seems like nothingness. But as the quote implied above, maybe this isn't nothingness, but maybe this is the great part of the journey.

One can only hope.

~*Melody*~

BTW, my thankfulness post is still on the way. I'm still working on my wording. It's really important that I get this one right.

Success !

2008-11-25T23:37:00.001-08:00

I have finally succeeded in making bread with yeast. Thanks to the recipe and detailed instructions from The Pioneer Woman. I am so pleased with these tasty creations. Sure they aren't all uniform in shape and size, but goodness they taste AMAZING ! I can hardly believe that something so good came from these two hands of mine. This made all the hard work of today worth it. Actually I'm posting this at almost 3am. I have been cleaning and baking all day. Ok the whole truth, yes there was definitely some knitting in there too.

My wonderful husband came home from work and cleaned our master bathroom....without me asking or even knowing !!!! I was so caught up in other things around the house that he had it all cleaned before I even knew it. I was so shocked and thankful all at the same time. Briefly I was overcome with emotion, a sort of pride rose up within me (that kind of pride reserved for your husband) and then that overwhelming love one can't begin to explain. I have been so greatly blessed with such a loving and caring husband. He was so tired from working, yet he put that tiredness aside to help me. Sure my husband isn't the most romantic man, but my how generous and thoughtful. He loves me so purely that sometimes it feels like a dream; a dream I shouldn't be a part of. I'm so very thankful that God gave this wonderful man to me.

I haven't forgotten about my thankfulness post. It's been on my mind all day, so much so that I almost dropped everything to go sit at the local coffee shop and write. I probably should have done that, but household obligations held me back. I'm starting the entry in the morning, but I'm thinking about publishing it on Thanksgiving.

Tonight as I was thinking and pondering on various things, a decent book title came to my mind. For those that don't know, I do plan on writing a book at the end of our infertility battle; whatever God chooses to happen will be in those pages. It may never be published, but it will still be written. This recent NaNo challenge that many have participated in has really encouraged and inspired me to spread my writing wings. As a child, I often dreamed about being a writer or an exciting journalist. I've always been drawn to a pen and paper/keyboard. Somehow I lost that urge to chase writing dreams along the way. I'm sure it had something to do with losing confidence in myself, but we won't go there tonight.

Sorry this has been so random. I'll blame it on the time
;-) It's now just about to turn 3am. I am scheduled to go to Murphy with my mom for a quick errand at 10am. And then the rest of my day will be spent cooking, cleaning and preparing my home for a day of visitors. I truely enjoy having dinner guests and wish I could have more dinners and parties in my home. One day I'll live in a place that will better accommodate that and I'll have ladies and children over often. I desire nothing more than to use the skills God has given me to bless others. Charity does begin at home...often from more humble beginnings, as God continues to teach me.

Preparations for Thanksgiving

2008-11-24T13:40:00.000-08:00

We all have so much to be thankful for, but I often get lost in the whole preparations of Thanksgiving that I forget to be thankful. So this year I'm going to take some time out to blog about things I'm really thankful for. I plan to do that early Wednesday morning as I'm waking up and drinking my apple cider.

This is the verse that randomly appeared on my blog today...it's so fitting....
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” (Colossians 2:6-7)

It's been so rainy and dreary here today that I've wanted nothing more than to curl up under some covers and just listen to the rain. But I've fought off the urge by sitting here in the living room next to Lola (my cockateil). We've been either watching videos at iTunes or YouTube all day while I've been knitting. LOL, she loves to watch things on my laptop. I have royally spoiled her. If I could I would teach her to knit with me so I'd have a knitting partner. She does share my love of yarn afterall.

Ok I'm off to get ready for a little Thanksgiving play that my god daughter Genna is staring in tonight. I'm videoing it so I may have a little snippet to share soon.

Blessings,
~*Melody*~

Seeing God's Glory

2008-11-16T11:44:00.000-08:00

Last night as I soaked in the tub, I said a little prayer before I picked up my bible study book. I don't remember everything I prayed for but I do remember asking God to let His glory shine through me and allowing the words of my mouth to reflect Him. At church today the pastor preached on how to see God's glory. On several points he mentioned that God has revealed to him how His glory was confined and could be shared. At first I really didn't understand where the pastor was going with this. I was also holding my godson who had repeated seizures that I had to tend to, so my mind wasn't always fully on the service. I wouldn't change that though because I love spending time just loving on Noah.

Anywho, so at the end of the service the pastor finally shows us exactly what he's talking about. In front of the church was a large mirror that had been covered up the entire service. He had a couple men to come forward to stand in front of the mirror and two on the sides. The two on the sides unveiled the mirror as the pastor asked the first man to walk up to the mirror. (It was tilted so only a person directly in front of the mirror could see a reflection.) So as the first man glanced at his physical reflection, the pastor explained that in that mirror reflected back was the very glory of God. God is glorified through His children. The pastor called random people to see the mirror, each time saying something specific to that person about themselves.

And then, he came over near me, called me out and stretched his hand to lead me to the mirror. It was a moment that is very difficult to explain. I stood there expecting to see only me. But I didn't really see me when I looked at that mirror, I saw light and JOY. Yes I saw joy inside of me. I could barely believe my eyes and tears started welling up in my eyes. The pastor was saying to me that he saw such beauty in that mirror. He was talking about how God was showing His beauty through me. But the beauty he was refering to wasn't a vain type of beauty. I started praising God and I was literally shaking from God's very presence there at that mirror. It's something I won't forget anytime soon for sure.

But it's not the feeling that I find so amazing, it's that God answered my simple prayer from the night before. All this time I've been praying that God would bless us with a child so that I could truly show others God's glory in my life. But I think I've been missing that mark. God's glory has been with me all along, shining through me and reflecting Him. That thrills my soul beyond measure. I desire nothing more than to honor and bring glory to His Holy Name. What a wonderful gift that God gave me this morning.

~*Melody*~

11-15-08 Journal from the Tub

2008-11-15T21:02:00.000-08:00

I often journal while soaking in the tub. Tonight I thought about making some of these little writings available at my blog. So enjoy....

11-15-08 Lounging in the Tub

Ah, yes lounging in the tub with a good book, pen, paper, highlighter and a nice warm cup of apple cider. 'Tis a wonderful life at the moment ! There's just nothing quite like a nice hot bubble bath to cure what ails you. I'm very thankful for times like these when I'm allowed to let all the troubles, cares and worries of this life drift off into a sea of nothingness. Yes, 'tis grand. Praise be to the Lord !

~*Melody*~

I've Been Awarded and Tagged....

2008-11-14T21:53:00.000-08:00

So the lovely Korey and Heather have both sent me a blog award. This is the first blog award I've ever received. I'd like to thank them for their thoughtfullness and generosity. So in keeping with the award tradition I'll do my best to pass it along to as many as I can think of.

This award acknowledges the values that every blogger shows in his/her effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values every day.

The rules are:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog along with a link to the person who has awarded you.

2. Pass the award on to 15 other blogs that are worthy of this acknowledgment. Remember to contact each of them to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Here are the blogs I picked (so far....I may edit more tomorrow)

1. Jenn @ Knee-Deep In Munchkin Land

2.Christina @ Growing Little Women

3. Stephanie @ Here's Looking at You Kid and Ministry in Montreal

4.Donna @ Simply Me

5. Lauren @ Fizleglitz

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Stephanie has tagged me to write 7 random things about myself.

1. I've recently had a craving for Bacon Bits...the fake soy kind. Definately weird, don't ya think?

2. I haven't had satelite or cable for a couple months now. So I spend my days searching YouTube and the net for knitting and craft shows. When I'm tired of doing that I listen to messages from Redemption World Outreach Center and have church in my living room.

3. (Some of you know this) I HATE clowns or anything with a creepy face. Clowns actually make me sick at my stomach. So please NEVER send me or buy me anything clown related. Our pastor's wife likes to dress up as a clown and I can't even enter the church when she's dressed as one.

4. I often buy a random present for someone throughout the year in anticipation of their birthday or the holidays and totally forget it when that time rolls around. (I'm getting better at this thanks to leaving myself notes on my cell phone to remind me with an alarm a few days before the date to give the gift.)

5. I have more clean clothes in hampers than in my closet. Sadly this is a pretty consistent thing.

6. Oi Vey is one of my favorite phrases.

7. Sometimes the amount of useless information in my head overwhelms me.

So now it's your turn to play along! If I tag, here are the rules you must follow:

1. Link to your tagger (that's me) and list these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.

4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I'm tagging ...
Ok so I'm horrible at this tagging thing. So I'm going to just pick some random ones and if you haven't filled this out yet you are also considered tagged. Just be sure to let me know if you fill this out. I'm curious to read your answers.

1. Stef
2. Erika
3. Cynthia
4. Korey
5. Heather
6. Christina
7. Lauren

Good News...Bullet Style

2008-11-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

Good news in bullet style.

Yes Monday was 'our day'. My temps have remained high and I got a clear line at FertilityFriend.com signaling a positive ovulation. Now I'm in that two week wait.

Shopping with mom today went great. I didn't buy a lot, but I got new shoes and yummy new yarn.

I figured out that my life does have some sort of purpose after chatting with a random stranger for around 30 minutes in a bookstore. What did I say, you ask? *shrugs* I'm not exactly sure, but I left that conversation knowing that God has used me to speak something to that lady. It was a very encouraging conversation for both parties.

Random acts of kindness are really good for the soul. I gave two unsuspecting strangers 50% off coupons at Michael's craft store tonight. I could almost hear their internal "Hallelujahs". Hehehe that felt good and I'm very glad I didn't think about it and just did it.

I'm now off to bed to rest my tired and achy feet. But it's a good kind of tired, like an accomplished sort of tired.

Blessings.....

Transitions of an Overachiever

In Healing and Preparation

To You

By Grace Alone Giveaway - Winner Announced

Divine Grace

By Grace Alone - Review

The Winter

Life As I've Known It

Realize I've Been Very Absent

Running

Philippians 2:5-8 (NKJV) says this...

God Has a Way...

Photo 365: 2010

A Note From My Pastor

Back in Public View

Walking Down Memory Lane

This Is My Year !

Photo 365: Day 13

Photo 365: Day 12

Photo 365: Day 11

Photo 365: Day 10

Photo 365:Day 9

Photo 365: Day 8

Photo 365: Day 7

Photo 365: Day 6

Photo 365: Day 5

Photo 365: Day 4

Photo 365 : Day 3

2010 Goals

Project 365: Day 2

Project 365: Day 1

Here's Another Giveaway I Wanted to Share

A Giveaway You Must Know About

Prepping the House

Sick Break

Recycled Holiday Cards

Well.....

Love Through Technology

Reusing Common Kitchen Trash

WiFi Problems and the Next Green Installment

Not So Inspired Tonight

Back to the Green

Back Home in NC

Bullets of the Day

Girl Time is Lovely

Sore Finger Thursday

Green Household Continued

Green At A Young Age

NaBloPoMo Day 2

National Blog Posting Month

Sitting at the Coffee Shop

Things Are Changing Around Here

Something I'd Love to Win

Remembering Our Babies : Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month

I Started a Trend !

A Bit of Advertising

Under Construction

Cloud Pictures

Are you looking....?

Reflections from Women of Faith 2009

A Quick Little Interuption **ETA

Women of Faith 2009

Unredeemed

Blog Giveaway and Ramblings

How He Loves

Shattered and Broken

Randomness

Looking Through

Plarn Bag Line and Upcoming Dates

Just something about....

Life Changes

Direction

Late Night Blogging

An Unexpected Bend **EDIT**

STELLAN

TTC Update

So Hard to Explain....

Change of Plans and Illness

With a More Level Head

I Suppose....

An Unexpected Bend EDIT

An MSG Rant EDIT