Life As I've Known It

As I wrote in the last post, life has been dramatically different for me over the past few months.  I took an online hiatus in August because our home was finally blessed with a child.  We picked up our dear sweet 18 month old from a very abusive situation one hot rainy August evening.  It was very sudden and completely unplanned, but quite possibly the highlight of my entire life.  This little boy filled our hearts and our home very quickly.  We were in hopes that we'd get to give him a permanent home.  We'd spoken with various people in social services about adoption and thought we were well on our way there.  Unfortunately on Valentine's Day, only a few days before his second birthday, social services called me into their office under the false pretense of discussing some paperwork but instead took our beloved little boy away from us.  We were understandably devastated and completely heartbroken.

We know that he was given back to his biological mother and taken to a local homeless shelter. She had nothing for him and he only left with the clothes on his back.  I can't let my mind think about it too much now, but the thing that tore me up the worst was knowing how confused he must have been.  My husband and I were the only stable parents he'd ever known.  We were his parents for a little over 6 months and as a mother I hurt deeply for him, along with my own personal pain.

Just as quickly as we became parents, we weren't parents anymore.  I still consider myself that little boy's mother, no matter what biology says.  I'll always hold his heart in mine, just as I have for the many other children who've came and left our lives.  There have been many dark days and nights since he left us, but God has began healing my heart again.

I hope to be able to share my joys as a mother in the coming weeks.  There are lots of memories that will cherish till the day I die.  Being that little boy's mother, no matter how short lived, was the greatest experience of my life.

~Melody

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me"  1 Corinthians 15:10 NKJV

Life Changes

I've been delaying writing another post partly because I was in incredible denial and secondly because I've been so busy with all the changes.

My godchildren and their parents no longer live close to us. They have been assigned a new pastorship in the middle part of the state. So I'm adjusting to the fact that my dear little ones now live 5 hours away. It's been hard to face the facts. There's times when I can still hear my goddaughter calling out my name. I half expect to turn around and feel her wrap those little arms around me. I digress...I know that their family has to follow after God's Will, but I will miss seeing them on a regular basis.

The ministry oportunity that was presented to me a few weeks ago is still something I'm pursuing. It's not where I want to be and I feel like it's not really where I'm supposed to be, but for now I'm needed there. I will continue in this position until we can find a suitable replacement. I'm a litte pressed for time right now so I'm not able to go into any details at this time.

This will have to be the end to my quick update. I'm blogging from the public library because my internet has been down all day at home. I hope and pray it comes back on soon. Until next time....

~*Melody*~

A Day of Change

Today many things and attitudes around our nation have began to change. I'm not going to be speaking about anything political other than to mention that I recognize change/change to come.

A few hours ago I learned that my dear cousin Adrian is in the beginning stages of labor. She is about to bring a new little boy into this world. My heart is overflowing at the opportunity to see a new life enter this world. I'm so anxious its not even funny. I went into that frantic mode for a bit and now I'm more mellowed out, which is definitely a good thing for all of us.

Deep down inside I know this new arrival will hold some bittersweetness for me. As much as I want to deny that fact, I simply can't. I will see that little boy and think about my own children who have passed on. I know I will and I know the tears will flow. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I may have to excuse myself to have a moment of sorrow all to myself in a bathroom or empty waiting room somewhere. It will be ok and I'll overcome it. "This too shall pass..."

I'm looking forward to meeting this little guy and finding out his name FINALLY! I want to embrace him and breathe in that sweet smell of freshness that only babies have. To gaze into those little eyes and see pure innocence. Ahh....it will be a splendid time for sure.

Blessing...
~*Melody*~

It's Time for A Change

Change is the only constant thing in life....
I guess that's never been more true to me than in the past year. I rather like the changes though. They were difficult, at best, but change can definitely be a good thing.

I watched Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea this weekend. The main character, Anne Shirley, always feared change. As an orphan, she grew up in many terrible homes before accidentally being adopted by Merila, a middle aged lady who had a beautiful farm named Green Gables. Anne was supposed to have been a boy to help on the farm. She brought a new world to Green Gables, one that was often chaotic. Amongst the chaos a young lady emerged, poised and elegant, tragically flawed from childhood, but full of dramatic dreams and aspirations. Experiences had changed, but life itself had not changed Miss Anne.

As the story progresses and life happened for Anne, she would often stop and question, "Why must everything change? Why can't things just stay the same?" I've always related to Anne because I myself have often pondered on these same thoughts. Of course, I know that to live is to change, but why must all the good things in life change? Why must things that we once held sacred change? Why must people grow up and grow away from you? These are thoughts that I will never have concrete answers to, nor could I ever truly explain if asked.

The purpose of tonight's entry was to discuss how I'd like to redecorate my blog here, but suddenly my fingers took hold and the words began to spill out onto my unsuspecting keyboard. It's times like these that I simply adore and hold dear. Ironically, it's a time that I hope never changes because it's moments like these that God truly speaks to me and through me.

Change is inevitable, this I'm certain of. I guess in life it doesn't really matter what changes, but how you react to those changes. How does one begin to cope with something that's so unexplainable though? Maybe I shall you leave you with that thought...

or

maybe I shall leave with a thought all my own. God's done some important things in my life lately; things which I can't even begin to articulate or adequately describe. For me, it has been a time for change; a season of growth; a way to renew my trust in God; and by far the biggest blessing in disguise ever. So in retrospect, maybe just maybe, the answer to why things change is simply: God wills it so.

Father as you see fit, let the times of change come in my life for Your glory alone....

~*Melody*~

Transitions of Ministry

I hinted at a few more transitions in my last entry. I have a lot more going on in life than just trying to have a baby, but most of the time it appears to be the most consuming thing.

Over the past 8 or 9 months, I have been through so many new things. I'm excited about many of these new things, but some of the transitions have been rough. I'll try to focus on just one of those transitions today: ministry.

Ministry in a word looks very simple; a three syllable word, yet it contains more depth than any book could hold. Yes my very life has revolved around ministry since shortly after I was married. Ministry, more specifically, youth ministry has changed me, moved me, and projected me into a life that I never thought possible, yet that very life was a dream come true. God has blessed me with an amazing husband who has supported, encouraged and assisted me through some of the craziest times of our lives. I can think back to the many blunders. But it's those moments of sheer joy that I'll always treasure; delicate moments, breakthrough moments, and breakdown moments.

However, when my husband and I heard God's call to leave our church everything that had become the familiar in ministry changed forever. I was no longer the youth pastor of this small group of teens. I was no longer in direct responsibility of or in connection with their individual lives. Ultimately I felt no longer needed. Ministry took new meaning for me; a meaning that I wasn't quite prepared for.

Today 9 months later, I sit in front of my computer just outside my living room. I'm able to have time to sit and write about my feelings. I'm able to come home and make my husband dinner every afternoon. On weekends, my house isn't filled with teenagers nor am I gracing the dance floor at a school dance. My life is drasticly different now. Sometimes those differences are very rewarding, but often times it's only a painful reminder that my life has transitioned to something much different than I had dreamed.

We left our former church in pain. Many things had transpired through the years that had not been properly dealt with; a proverbial sweeping under the rug, if you may. The trials and storms surrounding the church and it's people had been overwhelming for years. I had prayed many times for God to move us out of the situation. I guess I prayed more specifically for God to move in our situation, no matter what the cost. I hadn't guessed that the cost would be a personal cost to me. I hadn't guessed that my life would be so drastically different. And I hadn't guessed that the change would hurt so much. The change did hurt, but the transition continues to hurt.

Remember, I, by definition, am an overachiever. Picking up, packing up, and leaving without looking back was my entire agenda at that point in time. Sure I had to say goodbye properly to 'my kids' and I gave them the full explanation of why we were leaving. But this kind of leaving made me feel like I'd left work undone; unfinished for the rest of my life. Talk about being a failure; yes, that is exactly what I felt like; a failure, with a capital F.

I know that I didn't fail in the task that God had given me. There were some amazing times with this group. We saw God move in miraculous ways. Those teens saw our hearts and understood that we loved them and wanted nothing but God's best for them. I know all those things in my heart. I believe that we had completed our part of that mission. Yet, deep down, I've since wondered if there were other things that I should have done.

Call it what you may, I call it my tragic flaw. I always want to do more; to be more; to live more. That's my life as an overachiever.

BTW: I have transitioned into a new ministry. I'm still working in youth ministry, just in a completely different capacity, with a completely different group. I'm not quite sure how to define it, as I'm still transitioning into it. When I figure it out, I'll let you know. ;-)