Life As I've Known It

As I wrote in the last post, life has been dramatically different for me over the past few months.  I took an online hiatus in August because our home was finally blessed with a child.  We picked up our dear sweet 18 month old from a very abusive situation one hot rainy August evening.  It was very sudden and completely unplanned, but quite possibly the highlight of my entire life.  This little boy filled our hearts and our home very quickly.  We were in hopes that we'd get to give him a permanent home.  We'd spoken with various people in social services about adoption and thought we were well on our way there.  Unfortunately on Valentine's Day, only a few days before his second birthday, social services called me into their office under the false pretense of discussing some paperwork but instead took our beloved little boy away from us.  We were understandably devastated and completely heartbroken.

We know that he was given back to his biological mother and taken to a local homeless shelter. She had nothing for him and he only left with the clothes on his back.  I can't let my mind think about it too much now, but the thing that tore me up the worst was knowing how confused he must have been.  My husband and I were the only stable parents he'd ever known.  We were his parents for a little over 6 months and as a mother I hurt deeply for him, along with my own personal pain.

Just as quickly as we became parents, we weren't parents anymore.  I still consider myself that little boy's mother, no matter what biology says.  I'll always hold his heart in mine, just as I have for the many other children who've came and left our lives.  There have been many dark days and nights since he left us, but God has began healing my heart again.

I hope to be able to share my joys as a mother in the coming weeks.  There are lots of memories that will cherish till the day I die.  Being that little boy's mother, no matter how short lived, was the greatest experience of my life.

~Melody

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me"  1 Corinthians 15:10 NKJV

Remembering Our Babies : Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month

I'd be honored if you'd join with me in honoring the lost babies around the world.  Many times people have asked me what they could do to help or ease my pain from our many losses.  I'd never really known how to respond till about a year ago.  The best way to help someone through this kind of pain is to honor the child that was lost.  Validate the sense of overwhelming loss and grief that the mother and father are bearing.  Last Mother's Day was particularly hard for me because we'd lost a baby a few months before.  In fact, our baby was due to be born on Mother's Day.  I shared my heartache in a few Facebook status updates.  People showered their love and support on me.  It was one of those most healing things I'd ever experienced. 

In 2008, I received an unexpected text message from a college friend on Mother's Day.  It was a Mother's Day blessing.  I cried as I read it, but it made me feel so much better because someone had remembered me.  I believe you are a mother from the time that a child is formed in your womb.  I know this isn't common place, but I know that there has been life inside me before.  The life God formed inside me was for a purpose; even if that purpose didn't directly relate to parenting a child.  I am the mother of 10 children; children who are waiting for me in the very presence of God.

Before I become an emotional mess, I'll end this post with one last request.  If you know someone that needs your support, please don't hesitate to offer your love.  We don't need a day picked out to honor and cherish those children and their parents.  We need people who care for others on a daily basis.  I do hope you'll join me on this special day though.  May it's purpose be inspiring to your life.

~*Melody*~

 

ETA:  These graphics are a bit on the cheesy side of life, but overlook them.  It's the meaning behind all that cheese that matters.

Turning Around

Things are beginning to turn around for me. I'm feeling a lot better and have gotten over the initial coping stage of my loss. It always takes so time to be able to look at the other side of things. Adrian and I had a good teary chat yesterday that helped me a lot. It's amazing to have someone to talk to.

My water broke on Saturday morning. Thankfully I was at home and near my master bathroom. I had a ton of fluid and was still leaking some up until Monday morning. I've been feeling my cervix dilate off and on, but have yet to pass anything from my uterus. I have one more day of the progesterone cream, so it may be another 5 days before I see any results. Hopefully everything will pass as quickly as possible so I can get on with the next cycle. On day 3-7 of my next cycle I'll be taking 40 mg of Soy Isoflavones to help induce proper ovulation. If I ovulate properly I'll be able to avoid another molar pregnancy.

I have also gotten back on my vitamin and supplements regimen that I was on before. I'm already feeling stronger. The pregnancy cravings are slowly tapering off, but I still feel some of the effects of the weird hormones, especially when I'm around a baby.

Overall things are looking up again. I can't wait to get started on my next cycle so we can begin trying for our miracle baby. I'm not giving up for 2008 yet.

~*Melody*~