It's now been almost five months since we lost our beloved little boy. I can't say that the time passed has made the hurt any less, but God has granted us some healing along the way. I hear his little voice much less frequently now. There's still times when I have such vivid dreams of him that I expect to wake up cuddled next to him. Lately I've been able to go into his room and lay on his bed again. I lay there and pray for him and think back to the days when I'd put him to bed and would be rejoicing and thanking God for finally filling that room. Now I wonder a lot about if that room will house another child of ours in the future.
About a month ago, I was finally able to change the sheets and move his stuffed dogs off the bed. It was such a hard time for me because the bed still smelled like him and was covered in little blond stray hairs. I broke down and sobbed like a baby into his pillow. My husband tried to console me, but no consolation was to be found. The pain of loosing him was revisited all over again that day. All his toys and clothes have been packed away into storage bins, minus his tricycle and Power Wheels. Those still reside in the room, but we'll be moving the toys into our storage building soon and the clothes will be moved into the nursery closet as soon as I clear that out. My husband was very adamantly against getting rid of anything that belonged to him. I'm so glad cause I don't know if I could part with anything. His belongings are the only the things we have to remind us of him. I have pictures and the clippings from his first hair cut too. One day I'll be able to put those in a scrapbook, but not now.
So as God has been healing our hearts from this loss, He's also been stirring my desire to have children again. I knew that those motherly feelings would never go away once I got the chance to be a mother. It's such a strong desire in my heart and my body. My cycles were perfect while we had our little boy. It's almost like the increased levels of my own oxytocin actually allowed my body to function normally. I had a lot of skin to skin contact with him, because there were times (night time specifically) when the only thing that would calm him would be to lay on my chest. I felt so whole and "warm and fuzzy" all the time we had him. Even in the normal frustrating times of raising a toddler, I was able to take a deep breath and just smile with pure joy inside. Chemically speaking that had to be due to my high levels of oxytocin and now that those feelings/oxytocin is gone my body has rebelled and stopped my cycles again. I know that no amount of science can explain the love a mother has for a child, but for me it just seems to make my body work right.
The hubby and I have been talking again about trying to conceive again. I'll be turning 30 next month (oh gracious how I dread that !) and it's time to get this TTC ball rolling again. Realistically I only have a few more childbearing years ahead and I'm not getting any younger. I have a doctors appointment next month and plan to get some further testing done to see where my PCOS is currently at. I don't know what my doctor will suggest, but at this point we're almost to the point of desperation. I don't plan to have IVF done, mostly because it's not something we can afford, but also because I still believe that God is able to allow us to conceive in a more natural way. The idea of taking fertility drugs has been thrown around in conversation. I simply cringe at the idea, but if that's what it takes to help my body get to where it should be to conceive we may just have to go that route.
Since last July, I've lost almost 50 lbs. I had hoped that weight loss would help my body to regulate itself and maybe it did for a few months. But now the harder I work out, the more muscle I gain, the more my body doesn't work right. I used my progesterone cream a few weeks ago for the first time since last year and the results were very minimum. In clinical terms it didn't work because it only produced spotting. In physical terms, it made me a super grouch, moody and slightly sick. I haven't felt the same since I took it. In the past, it's almost always worked. Now that I weigh less and my blood pressure and blood sugar is lower, it doesn't work anymore. I want to scream in frustration. Why does my body refuse to work correctly even when I'm healthier? I just don't know what to do anymore.
So in closing this babble, I'd just like to thank those who've prayed for us since loosing our little boy. Thank you all for your kind comments and for not immediately sharing your opinions and advice in the matter. I suspect that it'll be a long time before I can think of him without shedding a tear, but we are healing from it all. Our hearts are open to receiving another child in our lives, albeit not by adoption (not sure if we'll be able to do that again). Again thank you for being so supportive.
~Melody
P.S. If anyone comes across any research on the oxytocin connection to PCOS, please send it my way. I've been doing my own research but haven't found anything yet. This is something I'm going to ask my doctor about as well....even if he might think it's crazy. Who knows I may have found the missing link?
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Thursday, October 23, 2008
My Stiring Heart
Recently I feel like God is stiring my heart again. I'm not quite sure why or towards what, but I just have that feeling. With all my soul searching that I've been doing lately, I have found that I'm not as content with where I am than I thought I was. Now this isn't to say that I'm going to pick up and move my whole life a week from tomorrow, but it is to say that thought has crossed my mind.
Personally, I'd love nothing more to get out of this area. I'd love to go have the chance to really be me. The thrill of the adventure calls out to me. But the fear of the unknown, lack of money and family keep me grounded here.
I wonder what God might be able to do with me (and my husband) if we could step out of this comfort zone that we live in. It feels that both of us have not really taken initiative in our callings. We were deeply burned out and hurt leaving our last church. When first given the opportunity in our new church to really step out, I didn't because my heart wasn't healed enough yet. Now there's no real way to step out within the church and the ministry I once felt so called to.
I question whether God is moving us in a different direction at this time. My husband and I talked about this for several hours a few nights ago. I'm not sure where to go from here or what to do. The next morning I asked him in all honesty, "Do you really think I could give up youth ministry? I mean really give it up and walk away?" He didn't really have a response. I suppose he had the same answer I did though..."I simply don't know."
Truely following after God and doing His will is so difficult sometimes. But when you think about it, it isn't really difficult to know God's will, the difficulty comes when we know our will. We naturally listen to our will before we listen to God's Will. Our will makes hearing God's true Will cloudy. Confusion is not from God, it's from self and the flesh. God is a God of order and justice. We often confuse that with the mindset "life just isn't fair to me." God never promised that life would be fair, only that He is our ultimate justice and that He never changes. My will changes, but God's doesn't change. The key to finding God's will though is often hidden in all the baggage we carry around. We cling to that baggage and often refuse to let it go.
This time of soul searching has lead me to this: It's time to let go of some baggage.
Personally, I'd love nothing more to get out of this area. I'd love to go have the chance to really be me. The thrill of the adventure calls out to me. But the fear of the unknown, lack of money and family keep me grounded here.
I wonder what God might be able to do with me (and my husband) if we could step out of this comfort zone that we live in. It feels that both of us have not really taken initiative in our callings. We were deeply burned out and hurt leaving our last church. When first given the opportunity in our new church to really step out, I didn't because my heart wasn't healed enough yet. Now there's no real way to step out within the church and the ministry I once felt so called to.
I question whether God is moving us in a different direction at this time. My husband and I talked about this for several hours a few nights ago. I'm not sure where to go from here or what to do. The next morning I asked him in all honesty, "Do you really think I could give up youth ministry? I mean really give it up and walk away?" He didn't really have a response. I suppose he had the same answer I did though..."I simply don't know."
Truely following after God and doing His will is so difficult sometimes. But when you think about it, it isn't really difficult to know God's will, the difficulty comes when we know our will. We naturally listen to our will before we listen to God's Will. Our will makes hearing God's true Will cloudy. Confusion is not from God, it's from self and the flesh. God is a God of order and justice. We often confuse that with the mindset "life just isn't fair to me." God never promised that life would be fair, only that He is our ultimate justice and that He never changes. My will changes, but God's doesn't change. The key to finding God's will though is often hidden in all the baggage we carry around. We cling to that baggage and often refuse to let it go.
This time of soul searching has lead me to this: It's time to let go of some baggage.
Friday, October 10, 2008
A Devotional and Some Personal Thought
FEELING WEAK? A NOTE OF ENCOURAGEMENT FROM REBECCA ST. JAMES
(directly copied from her blog)
Here's a relevant message for today from Rebecca's new book, "Pure"
Have you ever heard the saying, "Everything we need to know in life, we learned in kindergarten"? Many people learned a great deal in Sunday school. All of us as children with bright beaming faces have sung in our best and most earnest voices the words to "Jesus Loves Me": Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong! We all face times in life when we literally find that we, in our humanness, are not sufficient for the task at hand. We come face-to-face with the truth of the reality that in our weakness God is strong.
I once participated in an event called Thrive that was telecast live via closed circuit across the country to churches. I was not feeling very well the day of my concert—physically, emotionally, and spiritually I was feeling quite vulnerable. I was also a little nervous about sharing the stage with the caliber of the other women at the event—women such as Kay Arthur, Liz Curtis Higgs, and Lynne Hybels. If there were ever a time I wanted to feel it was "game on" musically and every other way—it was now—and I wasn't feeling that way at all.
I spoke with a friend right before I went onstage and asked her to pray for me.She said, "Rebecca, I want you to remember what it means to be a jar of clay. Even if we have only a few drops left in the bottom of the jar—that's a good thing! It allows God to fill us up—rather than us being filled up on our own strength. I want to encourage you to go out there knowing that God can use you probably more effectively in your weakness than He could if you were feeling strong today."Her encouragement changed my total perspective and outlook so much that day, as if it gave me an instant spiritual transformation. My spirit just felt so much lighter and free.
I was able to share honestly with the audience about how there needs to be a place for honesty and vulnerability within our relationships. It promotes community and an atmosphere where we can then turn to God together. What a powerful and beautiful thing it is.Some people think they can handle everything on their own, as if they are islands unto themselves, but sooner or later they will run into a situation in which they must draw on strength from outside. It might be a serious health issue, a financial burden, a difficult decision that must be made, or the need to overcome a nagging sin. Pity the person who feels as if he has nowhere to turn to in those difficult times.
God has provided strength for your life not only through His own supernatural power, but also through the friends He has brought into your path. The Christian life can only properly be lived in community—walking in intimacy with the Father, and doing life together with faithful brothers and sisters in the kingdom of God.
Is there an area in your life right now in which you feel particularly weak and vulnerable? Be straight up with those that are closest to you about what's going on in your life and you'll find your strength in God and in the community that He's given to surround you. Take heart, help is on the way.Be encouraged my friends! Rebecca
----------------------------------------------------------
For some time now I have been reserved and have backed away from sharing my feelings. This past miscarriage took me by surprise and left me more hurt than I ever could have imagined. One of the most important things I've learned is that time doesn't heal all wounds, only God heals all wounds. As for me, I'm still quite wounded and weak.
I read blogs from time to time, but I believe God specifically drew me to the one I posted above. I am indeed weak, but very few people know about this weakness. I have purposely did my best to hide any sort of weakness from those around me. There's a little group of women here online that I confide in. They have heard many of my stories from the pits of depression and sorrow, yet I'm unable to share that with anyone around me other than my husband. It seems a strange concept to me that I should be opening up, when the world all expects me to be strong. In reality I'm the weakest I've ever been. My body is weak, my emotions are weak, and unfortuneatly my faith is weak. I'm doing my best to work on my spiritual health, but my best attempts and best laid plans only fall short. God alone can heal my wounded spirit.
I believe God is calling me to a deeper place with Him. I am continually broken and I know there must be a reason for this brokeness. I have decided that I will take a brief sabbatical from teaching at the end of this quarter, because I need some time for my own spiritual self. I haven't yet decided what class I'll be attending, but I need something for me. I refuse to get back into the rut of giving and giving of myself until I have nothing left.
God has placed something very specific on my heart to try. This attempt would push me very far away from my comfort zone and would force me to allow other people into my world. I am very hesitant about this and am praying for God's will to be done through me.
So as I leave you all this entry, I hope you will be blessed by the devotional from Rebecca St. James. I am leaving tomorrow morning for a brief visit with family and some vacation time alone with my husband. I hope to come back refreshed and ready to take on whatever God has for me next.
~*Melody*~
(directly copied from her blog)
Here's a relevant message for today from Rebecca's new book, "Pure"
Have you ever heard the saying, "Everything we need to know in life, we learned in kindergarten"? Many people learned a great deal in Sunday school. All of us as children with bright beaming faces have sung in our best and most earnest voices the words to "Jesus Loves Me": Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong! We all face times in life when we literally find that we, in our humanness, are not sufficient for the task at hand. We come face-to-face with the truth of the reality that in our weakness God is strong.
I once participated in an event called Thrive that was telecast live via closed circuit across the country to churches. I was not feeling very well the day of my concert—physically, emotionally, and spiritually I was feeling quite vulnerable. I was also a little nervous about sharing the stage with the caliber of the other women at the event—women such as Kay Arthur, Liz Curtis Higgs, and Lynne Hybels. If there were ever a time I wanted to feel it was "game on" musically and every other way—it was now—and I wasn't feeling that way at all.
I spoke with a friend right before I went onstage and asked her to pray for me.She said, "Rebecca, I want you to remember what it means to be a jar of clay. Even if we have only a few drops left in the bottom of the jar—that's a good thing! It allows God to fill us up—rather than us being filled up on our own strength. I want to encourage you to go out there knowing that God can use you probably more effectively in your weakness than He could if you were feeling strong today."Her encouragement changed my total perspective and outlook so much that day, as if it gave me an instant spiritual transformation. My spirit just felt so much lighter and free.
I was able to share honestly with the audience about how there needs to be a place for honesty and vulnerability within our relationships. It promotes community and an atmosphere where we can then turn to God together. What a powerful and beautiful thing it is.Some people think they can handle everything on their own, as if they are islands unto themselves, but sooner or later they will run into a situation in which they must draw on strength from outside. It might be a serious health issue, a financial burden, a difficult decision that must be made, or the need to overcome a nagging sin. Pity the person who feels as if he has nowhere to turn to in those difficult times.
God has provided strength for your life not only through His own supernatural power, but also through the friends He has brought into your path. The Christian life can only properly be lived in community—walking in intimacy with the Father, and doing life together with faithful brothers and sisters in the kingdom of God.
Is there an area in your life right now in which you feel particularly weak and vulnerable? Be straight up with those that are closest to you about what's going on in your life and you'll find your strength in God and in the community that He's given to surround you. Take heart, help is on the way.Be encouraged my friends! Rebecca
----------------------------------------------------------
For some time now I have been reserved and have backed away from sharing my feelings. This past miscarriage took me by surprise and left me more hurt than I ever could have imagined. One of the most important things I've learned is that time doesn't heal all wounds, only God heals all wounds. As for me, I'm still quite wounded and weak.
I read blogs from time to time, but I believe God specifically drew me to the one I posted above. I am indeed weak, but very few people know about this weakness. I have purposely did my best to hide any sort of weakness from those around me. There's a little group of women here online that I confide in. They have heard many of my stories from the pits of depression and sorrow, yet I'm unable to share that with anyone around me other than my husband. It seems a strange concept to me that I should be opening up, when the world all expects me to be strong. In reality I'm the weakest I've ever been. My body is weak, my emotions are weak, and unfortuneatly my faith is weak. I'm doing my best to work on my spiritual health, but my best attempts and best laid plans only fall short. God alone can heal my wounded spirit.
I believe God is calling me to a deeper place with Him. I am continually broken and I know there must be a reason for this brokeness. I have decided that I will take a brief sabbatical from teaching at the end of this quarter, because I need some time for my own spiritual self. I haven't yet decided what class I'll be attending, but I need something for me. I refuse to get back into the rut of giving and giving of myself until I have nothing left.
God has placed something very specific on my heart to try. This attempt would push me very far away from my comfort zone and would force me to allow other people into my world. I am very hesitant about this and am praying for God's will to be done through me.
So as I leave you all this entry, I hope you will be blessed by the devotional from Rebecca St. James. I am leaving tomorrow morning for a brief visit with family and some vacation time alone with my husband. I hope to come back refreshed and ready to take on whatever God has for me next.
~*Melody*~
Now this is how I like my coffee !
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