It's now been almost five months since we lost our beloved little boy. I can't say that the time passed has made the hurt any less, but God has granted us some healing along the way. I hear his little voice much less frequently now. There's still times when I have such vivid dreams of him that I expect to wake up cuddled next to him. Lately I've been able to go into his room and lay on his bed again. I lay there and pray for him and think back to the days when I'd put him to bed and would be rejoicing and thanking God for finally filling that room. Now I wonder a lot about if that room will house another child of ours in the future.
About a month ago, I was finally able to change the sheets and move his stuffed dogs off the bed. It was such a hard time for me because the bed still smelled like him and was covered in little blond stray hairs. I broke down and sobbed like a baby into his pillow. My husband tried to console me, but no consolation was to be found. The pain of loosing him was revisited all over again that day. All his toys and clothes have been packed away into storage bins, minus his tricycle and Power Wheels. Those still reside in the room, but we'll be moving the toys into our storage building soon and the clothes will be moved into the nursery closet as soon as I clear that out. My husband was very adamantly against getting rid of anything that belonged to him. I'm so glad cause I don't know if I could part with anything. His belongings are the only the things we have to remind us of him. I have pictures and the clippings from his first hair cut too. One day I'll be able to put those in a scrapbook, but not now.
So as God has been healing our hearts from this loss, He's also been stirring my desire to have children again. I knew that those motherly feelings would never go away once I got the chance to be a mother. It's such a strong desire in my heart and my body. My cycles were perfect while we had our little boy. It's almost like the increased levels of my own oxytocin actually allowed my body to function normally. I had a lot of skin to skin contact with him, because there were times (night time specifically) when the only thing that would calm him would be to lay on my chest. I felt so whole and "warm and fuzzy" all the time we had him. Even in the normal frustrating times of raising a toddler, I was able to take a deep breath and just smile with pure joy inside. Chemically speaking that had to be due to my high levels of oxytocin and now that those feelings/oxytocin is gone my body has rebelled and stopped my cycles again. I know that no amount of science can explain the love a mother has for a child, but for me it just seems to make my body work right.
The hubby and I have been talking again about trying to conceive again. I'll be turning 30 next month (oh gracious how I dread that !) and it's time to get this TTC ball rolling again. Realistically I only have a few more childbearing years ahead and I'm not getting any younger. I have a doctors appointment next month and plan to get some further testing done to see where my PCOS is currently at. I don't know what my doctor will suggest, but at this point we're almost to the point of desperation. I don't plan to have IVF done, mostly because it's not something we can afford, but also because I still believe that God is able to allow us to conceive in a more natural way. The idea of taking fertility drugs has been thrown around in conversation. I simply cringe at the idea, but if that's what it takes to help my body get to where it should be to conceive we may just have to go that route.
Since last July, I've lost almost 50 lbs. I had hoped that weight loss would help my body to regulate itself and maybe it did for a few months. But now the harder I work out, the more muscle I gain, the more my body doesn't work right. I used my progesterone cream a few weeks ago for the first time since last year and the results were very minimum. In clinical terms it didn't work because it only produced spotting. In physical terms, it made me a super grouch, moody and slightly sick. I haven't felt the same since I took it. In the past, it's almost always worked. Now that I weigh less and my blood pressure and blood sugar is lower, it doesn't work anymore. I want to scream in frustration. Why does my body refuse to work correctly even when I'm healthier? I just don't know what to do anymore.
So in closing this babble, I'd just like to thank those who've prayed for us since loosing our little boy. Thank you all for your kind comments and for not immediately sharing your opinions and advice in the matter. I suspect that it'll be a long time before I can think of him without shedding a tear, but we are healing from it all. Our hearts are open to receiving another child in our lives, albeit not by adoption (not sure if we'll be able to do that again). Again thank you for being so supportive.
~Melody
P.S. If anyone comes across any research on the oxytocin connection to PCOS, please send it my way. I've been doing my own research but haven't found anything yet. This is something I'm going to ask my doctor about as well....even if he might think it's crazy. Who knows I may have found the missing link?
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Late Night Blogging
I haven't blogged here in the entire month of May. Part of me has been longing to share my heart, but most of me said I should guard it closely. You see over the past month, life has hit me with some incredible highs and lows. I am feeling stronger now, but there are moments when I'm overwhelmed with pure emotion.
Mother's Day came and went; another special day with empty arms. Our last child was due on Mother's Day so emotion and pain hit me hard on that day. I honestly haven't cried that much since our first couple miscarriages. I don't know what came over me, but I just let the tears flow. Many people at church noticed. I'm not sure if they all knew why I was crying, but they noticed. I received two lovely cards telling me that they were thinking about me and how I should be celebrated as well on this Day. I appreciated all the kindness and support from my church family. I also opened up a bit on my Facebook statuses. I'm amazed at how many people responded back with love, prayers and *hugs*. I never realized so many people would actually care about me enough to respond back, but they did and I am so grateful for those comments and their concern.
Shortly before Mother's Day came news about future plans for my godchildren and their parents. I can't share too much yet, because nothing is finalized yet, but there's a very high possibility that my godchildren will no longer live 15 minutes from me. It's more likely they'll live about 5 hours away. My heart breaks when I think about the distance between us. I love both of those children like my own. I have loved and cared for them their entire lives and the thoughts of not having them near have brought great sadness to me. I know that God has a plan for this family and that His ways are much higher than mine. I know that I can't be selfish and expect God to keep them near me because I love them so much. I also knew that there would probably be a day when God called them away. I know these things......but it doesn't make it hurt less.
One of those highs I spoke of above came unexpectedly for my fertility. While charting my temps, I discovered that I had indeed ovulated on cycle day 14, which is perfect in terms of a normal cycle. I could hardly believe it! Seeing those little reds lines on my chart sent such hope to me. My temps were staying high and my heart raced each day at the thoughts that I may be carrying another little one. After about a week's worth of increased breast tenderness and a few other odd symptoms, I was almost certain that I'd be announcing God's miracle working power in me in the next few weeks. Cycle day 28 came and as I took my temperature that morning I was so certain that it would be high that I almost didn't even look at it. But when I did look at it, I found it was extremely low, 96.5 to be exact. My heart sank as I realized that I wasn't pregnant and this was the signal of an impending start to a cycle. Later that day I did begin spotting. Thankfully, I was with my godchildren and their mother at a doctor's appointment when I discovered the spotting. They helped me keep my mind off of things for a while. However, later that evening those all too familiar feelings creeped back in and the deep disappointment lingered.
A few days later I was able to reflect on the past cycle though. God did bless me with a miracle; the miracle of a textbook, normal cycle. I couldn't ask for a better, more balanced cycle than the last one. I know that God sent the evening primrose oil my way for a reason. I took 3000mg for the first part of my cycle (prior to ovulation) and the results prove that it helped me. I also kept taking my 5 days of soy isoflavones and used progesterone cream the last part of my cycle. I plan to go on a soy break for 2 or 3 months and continue using EPO and NPC only.
I wish I had the time to blog about more things tonight, but I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is one of those long, tiresome days at church. I should describe them as stress filled days. I don't have the time or the energy to fully describe what's going on lately. I wish I could say that the stress derived from the overwhelming amount of good or ministry that we are doing, but sadly I can't. I am very discouraged and disappointed at the lack of actual ministry being accomplished right now, particularly through the women's ministries. Being a member of the leadership, I guess I should assume some of that responsibility. And before I say anything else that I might regret, I guess I should end this here and just ask for your prayers. I need some direction right now. I have seriously considered backing out of women's leadership for various reasons. I don't like to quit anything and find it hard to say no when asked for help, but I am learning that there are times in life when one must walk away from things. I don't know if this is one of those times or not. I'm just praying about it right now.
Blessings....
~*Melody*~
Mother's Day came and went; another special day with empty arms. Our last child was due on Mother's Day so emotion and pain hit me hard on that day. I honestly haven't cried that much since our first couple miscarriages. I don't know what came over me, but I just let the tears flow. Many people at church noticed. I'm not sure if they all knew why I was crying, but they noticed. I received two lovely cards telling me that they were thinking about me and how I should be celebrated as well on this Day. I appreciated all the kindness and support from my church family. I also opened up a bit on my Facebook statuses. I'm amazed at how many people responded back with love, prayers and *hugs*. I never realized so many people would actually care about me enough to respond back, but they did and I am so grateful for those comments and their concern.
Shortly before Mother's Day came news about future plans for my godchildren and their parents. I can't share too much yet, because nothing is finalized yet, but there's a very high possibility that my godchildren will no longer live 15 minutes from me. It's more likely they'll live about 5 hours away. My heart breaks when I think about the distance between us. I love both of those children like my own. I have loved and cared for them their entire lives and the thoughts of not having them near have brought great sadness to me. I know that God has a plan for this family and that His ways are much higher than mine. I know that I can't be selfish and expect God to keep them near me because I love them so much. I also knew that there would probably be a day when God called them away. I know these things......but it doesn't make it hurt less.
One of those highs I spoke of above came unexpectedly for my fertility. While charting my temps, I discovered that I had indeed ovulated on cycle day 14, which is perfect in terms of a normal cycle. I could hardly believe it! Seeing those little reds lines on my chart sent such hope to me. My temps were staying high and my heart raced each day at the thoughts that I may be carrying another little one. After about a week's worth of increased breast tenderness and a few other odd symptoms, I was almost certain that I'd be announcing God's miracle working power in me in the next few weeks. Cycle day 28 came and as I took my temperature that morning I was so certain that it would be high that I almost didn't even look at it. But when I did look at it, I found it was extremely low, 96.5 to be exact. My heart sank as I realized that I wasn't pregnant and this was the signal of an impending start to a cycle. Later that day I did begin spotting. Thankfully, I was with my godchildren and their mother at a doctor's appointment when I discovered the spotting. They helped me keep my mind off of things for a while. However, later that evening those all too familiar feelings creeped back in and the deep disappointment lingered.
A few days later I was able to reflect on the past cycle though. God did bless me with a miracle; the miracle of a textbook, normal cycle. I couldn't ask for a better, more balanced cycle than the last one. I know that God sent the evening primrose oil my way for a reason. I took 3000mg for the first part of my cycle (prior to ovulation) and the results prove that it helped me. I also kept taking my 5 days of soy isoflavones and used progesterone cream the last part of my cycle. I plan to go on a soy break for 2 or 3 months and continue using EPO and NPC only.
I wish I had the time to blog about more things tonight, but I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is one of those long, tiresome days at church. I should describe them as stress filled days. I don't have the time or the energy to fully describe what's going on lately. I wish I could say that the stress derived from the overwhelming amount of good or ministry that we are doing, but sadly I can't. I am very discouraged and disappointed at the lack of actual ministry being accomplished right now, particularly through the women's ministries. Being a member of the leadership, I guess I should assume some of that responsibility. And before I say anything else that I might regret, I guess I should end this here and just ask for your prayers. I need some direction right now. I have seriously considered backing out of women's leadership for various reasons. I don't like to quit anything and find it hard to say no when asked for help, but I am learning that there are times in life when one must walk away from things. I don't know if this is one of those times or not. I'm just praying about it right now.
Blessings....
~*Melody*~
Monday, April 13, 2009
An Unexpected Bend **EDIT**
I thought I'd give a brief ttc update since I've had some time to think about things. I'm going to be praying earnestly over the next few days about our next steps, but I believe it's time to move on from the soy isoflavones. It's been 5 or 6 months since I've last ovulated. The soy stopped working after that cycle. I'm not sure why. I started loosing a little bit of weight and that seemed to get everything off cycle. I don't think I've lost any during my past cycle so I can't blame weight loss this time. Maybe the soy only works for a limited time. *shrugs* There's really no way to determine the cause of the change.
My only course of action now is to find another natural treatment that might help. There are few natural options; evening primrose oil, vitex or chasteberry, a complete shutdown with the aid of progesterone cream, acupuncture, etc. And then there's the other option, returning to fertility drugs. I want to stay on the natural treatments as much as possible. Fertility drugs are my last and finally option. We've decided that we won't even consider these again till my 29th birthday.
I am going to add evening primrose oil to my next cycle from cycle day 1 till the day of ovulation or cycle day 14, whichever comes first. I may try to combine the soy on CD 3-7, but I'm not sure yet. If I do add vitex or chasteberry to the mix, it will be taken everyday and the results aren't noticeable until at least 3 months in. I have used vitex in the past with minimal results. It took 6 months to see any improvement. I would prefer to use something with a more immediate result. Right now our goal is to have a regular cycle and to see ovulation again.
A complete shutdown with the aid of progesterone cream takes 3 months. The shutdown basically stops every aspect of your cycles and puts your body into a temporary pseudo menopause. I've researched this in depth and while the logistics make sense, I'm still very cautious about doing this. I know 3 months doesn't sound like a long time, but it is when you only have basically 2 years of time to work with. Remember doctors have predicted menopause to start around age 30 for me. Although recent research has shown that most women with PCOS have a peak of fertility at age 35. I don't want to take any unnecessary chances though. I'd love to believe the new research, but at this point there needs to be much more research before those findings can be labeled conclusive.
Acupuncture is definitely something I'd consider. However, right now there's no way I could afford it. There's also not any definite research that shows conclusive positive results from acupuncture on PCOS patients.
So I'm left back at almost square one. It is a familiar place though as I've been here many many times before. Just the other day I was thanking and praising God on a private forum about his blessings to my health. You see there are so many other aspects of my health and fertility that could be wrong, but they aren't. God has spared me from so many things and I thank Him for that. I feel like I was attacked a bit after sharing that praise, but that isn't going to stop me from praising God for those blessings, because they are MY blessings. No matter how long this road of infertility might be, I will NEVER stop praising God for His work in me. And though I can't see the end or even the next bend of this road, I will journey on and through this journey I will bless others because that's what God's instructed me to do. I can't control the journey or PCOS, but I can control how I take this journey.
~*Melody*~
**EDIT** I need to clarify something. When I mentioned above that I felt like I'd been attacked since posted the praise entry on a private forum, I WASN'T referring to being attacked by an individual. I meant that I feel like Satan attacked me in my personal life. I'm so sorry if I offended anyone over this. I'm sorry that I didn't make my point very clear in this post. Please know that I honor and treasure each of you that are on that private forum and I would never post that I felt attacked in my blog. I would first consult with you all about the situation. Oh dear....I feel so bad for not being clear in this post.
EEKS :-(
My only course of action now is to find another natural treatment that might help. There are few natural options; evening primrose oil, vitex or chasteberry, a complete shutdown with the aid of progesterone cream, acupuncture, etc. And then there's the other option, returning to fertility drugs. I want to stay on the natural treatments as much as possible. Fertility drugs are my last and finally option. We've decided that we won't even consider these again till my 29th birthday.
I am going to add evening primrose oil to my next cycle from cycle day 1 till the day of ovulation or cycle day 14, whichever comes first. I may try to combine the soy on CD 3-7, but I'm not sure yet. If I do add vitex or chasteberry to the mix, it will be taken everyday and the results aren't noticeable until at least 3 months in. I have used vitex in the past with minimal results. It took 6 months to see any improvement. I would prefer to use something with a more immediate result. Right now our goal is to have a regular cycle and to see ovulation again.
A complete shutdown with the aid of progesterone cream takes 3 months. The shutdown basically stops every aspect of your cycles and puts your body into a temporary pseudo menopause. I've researched this in depth and while the logistics make sense, I'm still very cautious about doing this. I know 3 months doesn't sound like a long time, but it is when you only have basically 2 years of time to work with. Remember doctors have predicted menopause to start around age 30 for me. Although recent research has shown that most women with PCOS have a peak of fertility at age 35. I don't want to take any unnecessary chances though. I'd love to believe the new research, but at this point there needs to be much more research before those findings can be labeled conclusive.
Acupuncture is definitely something I'd consider. However, right now there's no way I could afford it. There's also not any definite research that shows conclusive positive results from acupuncture on PCOS patients.
So I'm left back at almost square one. It is a familiar place though as I've been here many many times before. Just the other day I was thanking and praising God on a private forum about his blessings to my health. You see there are so many other aspects of my health and fertility that could be wrong, but they aren't. God has spared me from so many things and I thank Him for that. I feel like I was attacked a bit after sharing that praise, but that isn't going to stop me from praising God for those blessings, because they are MY blessings. No matter how long this road of infertility might be, I will NEVER stop praising God for His work in me. And though I can't see the end or even the next bend of this road, I will journey on and through this journey I will bless others because that's what God's instructed me to do. I can't control the journey or PCOS, but I can control how I take this journey.
~*Melody*~
**EDIT** I need to clarify something. When I mentioned above that I felt like I'd been attacked since posted the praise entry on a private forum, I WASN'T referring to being attacked by an individual. I meant that I feel like Satan attacked me in my personal life. I'm so sorry if I offended anyone over this. I'm sorry that I didn't make my point very clear in this post. Please know that I honor and treasure each of you that are on that private forum and I would never post that I felt attacked in my blog. I would first consult with you all about the situation. Oh dear....I feel so bad for not being clear in this post.
EEKS :-(
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
TTC Update
Tomorrow I begin my soy isoflavones again. This cycle I'll be taking 200mg for 5 days. I've had the most ovulation success at this dosage, so that's why I'm returning to that dosage. I lost 8 lbs. and it totally messed up my last cycle. I'm not sure why. I thought that weight loss was supposed to help your reproductive organs. Maybe not for me.
I'm praying that the soy starts working again. It hasn't worked since my December '08 cycle. I'll also be adding Evening Primrose Oil gel caps in this cycle. They are supposed to help my cervix to open more. Since I've had so many miscarriages my cervix has some scars and is harder than it should be. I'm praying that the evening primrose will help without causing too much pain for me. They have been known to cause uterine contractions. I'm willing to take the pain if it brings results though.
Sadly we've already pass the mark for conceiving and giving birth to a 2009 baby (full term that is). I did take some time to mourn the loss of another year. But there's still hope of conceiving sometime in 2009 for a 2010 arrival. So many of my high school classmates are pregnant right now. They will all give birth within a month or so of each other. No doubt their children will be good friends and classmates. I was hoping to join them. Maybe that's a bit selfish of me to want my child to have "instant" friends, but one can dream right? It's definately going to be hard at my 10 year reunion this year if I'm not expecting yet. But that's another story for another day.
My husband turns 30 in less than a month. He seems to be ok with the big 3-0, but I'm so scared of aging. I've started to see a gray hair or two on his head. When I first saw one, I literally cried; not because of his changing looks, but because I realized we're getting old and haven't even had children yet. I've been praying for his health and that God would keep him young. He's so loving and so caring for me. Honestly, I'm scared that our best days are behind us though. I'm wondering if I'll even have the energy and ability to care for a child whenever we get there.
Most of the children in our neighborhood were outside playing yesterday. It was a gorgeous day and I had all the windows and doors open. I sat for a little bit watching two young children playing in my yard and closeby. I couldn't help but think about how much I'd love to see my own child out there playing. I've always wanted to be able to participate with the neighborhood families, but we don't have a family to participate with. Being childless doesn't just affect me emotionally, but also socially. There are so many social things that "require" the presence of children. I've never wanted to be the partier or the adult socialite. I want nothing more than to be a mother covered in breastmilk, slobber, and Cheerios. There's nothing I dream about more.
I've been reading a book called Knit Together: Discover God's Pattern for Your Life by Debbie Macomber. I'm only a couple chapters into it. So far it's been talking about how God gives us dreams, passions and desires. The author uses her own story of becoming a writer as a basis for her encouragement to face your dreams with expectancy. Reading this book is very bittersweet for me. On one hand, I am encouraged to continue to hope that my dreams will come true. But on the other hand, I can't make my dreams come true like so many can. I can't put my all into things and see actual success, because I have absolutely no control over my body. While I have many dreams of doing things for God, when it comes down to it, my one true dream is to be a mother. I believe that all the other things will fall into place. Meanwhile though, I'm just sitting around waiting and trusting that God has my best interests at heart.
In an effort to conclude this rambling session, I'll close with the scripture basis for the above mentioned book.....
Psalm 139
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. 3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. 4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. 5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it. 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. 9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me; 12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You. 13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! 18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;When I awake, I am still with You. 19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God! Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men. 20 For they speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain. 21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? 22 I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.
I'm praying that the soy starts working again. It hasn't worked since my December '08 cycle. I'll also be adding Evening Primrose Oil gel caps in this cycle. They are supposed to help my cervix to open more. Since I've had so many miscarriages my cervix has some scars and is harder than it should be. I'm praying that the evening primrose will help without causing too much pain for me. They have been known to cause uterine contractions. I'm willing to take the pain if it brings results though.
Sadly we've already pass the mark for conceiving and giving birth to a 2009 baby (full term that is). I did take some time to mourn the loss of another year. But there's still hope of conceiving sometime in 2009 for a 2010 arrival. So many of my high school classmates are pregnant right now. They will all give birth within a month or so of each other. No doubt their children will be good friends and classmates. I was hoping to join them. Maybe that's a bit selfish of me to want my child to have "instant" friends, but one can dream right? It's definately going to be hard at my 10 year reunion this year if I'm not expecting yet. But that's another story for another day.
My husband turns 30 in less than a month. He seems to be ok with the big 3-0, but I'm so scared of aging. I've started to see a gray hair or two on his head. When I first saw one, I literally cried; not because of his changing looks, but because I realized we're getting old and haven't even had children yet. I've been praying for his health and that God would keep him young. He's so loving and so caring for me. Honestly, I'm scared that our best days are behind us though. I'm wondering if I'll even have the energy and ability to care for a child whenever we get there.
Most of the children in our neighborhood were outside playing yesterday. It was a gorgeous day and I had all the windows and doors open. I sat for a little bit watching two young children playing in my yard and closeby. I couldn't help but think about how much I'd love to see my own child out there playing. I've always wanted to be able to participate with the neighborhood families, but we don't have a family to participate with. Being childless doesn't just affect me emotionally, but also socially. There are so many social things that "require" the presence of children. I've never wanted to be the partier or the adult socialite. I want nothing more than to be a mother covered in breastmilk, slobber, and Cheerios. There's nothing I dream about more.
I've been reading a book called Knit Together: Discover God's Pattern for Your Life by Debbie Macomber. I'm only a couple chapters into it. So far it's been talking about how God gives us dreams, passions and desires. The author uses her own story of becoming a writer as a basis for her encouragement to face your dreams with expectancy. Reading this book is very bittersweet for me. On one hand, I am encouraged to continue to hope that my dreams will come true. But on the other hand, I can't make my dreams come true like so many can. I can't put my all into things and see actual success, because I have absolutely no control over my body. While I have many dreams of doing things for God, when it comes down to it, my one true dream is to be a mother. I believe that all the other things will fall into place. Meanwhile though, I'm just sitting around waiting and trusting that God has my best interests at heart.
In an effort to conclude this rambling session, I'll close with the scripture basis for the above mentioned book.....
Psalm 139
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. 3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. 4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. 5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it. 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. 9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me; 12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You. 13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! 18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;When I awake, I am still with You. 19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God! Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men. 20 For they speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain. 21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? 22 I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Maybe I Need to Rant More Often?
Wow I think I got more comments on the last entry than I have on almost any other. Who would have known that talking about MSG would get such a response? Maybe I need to rant more often? *shrugs*
I've been battling a nasty little bug for the past 48 hours. I'm not sure what it is/was exactly. Yesterday I thought it was sinus related because I had some sinus and throat symptoms. But those seem to be pretty much gone today. Thank the Lord. I was so miserable all day yesterday. I haven't even left the house since Saturday afternoon. So, yes, that means that I missed church all day Sunday.
I'm in such a strange place spiritually. On one hand I feel like God has opened some new horizons for me. I feel like He's opening up the Word so fresh to me. I'm studying things lately that I've wanted to forever. God has spoken to me everytime I've opened up my Bible. It's such a time of refreshing on a personal level. But then there's the other side of my spirituality, it's a part that feels dry and somewhat distant. It's strange to feel such extremes. The latter part I believe is directly related to church life. There's times when I almost dread to go. It's not that I don't like my church, its just that compared to my personal times with God, it feels so dry. Does that make any sense? Maybe my expectations of church are different than they should be. I expect to go and be fed; truely fed the Word of God. The messages are good and I'm not trying to complain about them, but I just don't feel that same level as my personal times. Should I or am I expecting too much? It's just strange.
On the TTC front, things seem to be going smoothly. My cycle looks great so far. This is our last attempt at pregnancy in 2008. A big part of me is very apathetic about our chances for this year. I want to be hopeful, but right now I'm just surviving I guess. Unless you've been through this battle, it's hard to imagine the stress of it all. As the days go on, adoption is looking more and more appealing to me. But I know, for me, this is a temptation to give up. I must obey what God has asked me to do; simply believe and be still.
I'm off to find something to cook for dinner tonight.
Blessings,
~*Melody*~
I've been battling a nasty little bug for the past 48 hours. I'm not sure what it is/was exactly. Yesterday I thought it was sinus related because I had some sinus and throat symptoms. But those seem to be pretty much gone today. Thank the Lord. I was so miserable all day yesterday. I haven't even left the house since Saturday afternoon. So, yes, that means that I missed church all day Sunday.
I'm in such a strange place spiritually. On one hand I feel like God has opened some new horizons for me. I feel like He's opening up the Word so fresh to me. I'm studying things lately that I've wanted to forever. God has spoken to me everytime I've opened up my Bible. It's such a time of refreshing on a personal level. But then there's the other side of my spirituality, it's a part that feels dry and somewhat distant. It's strange to feel such extremes. The latter part I believe is directly related to church life. There's times when I almost dread to go. It's not that I don't like my church, its just that compared to my personal times with God, it feels so dry. Does that make any sense? Maybe my expectations of church are different than they should be. I expect to go and be fed; truely fed the Word of God. The messages are good and I'm not trying to complain about them, but I just don't feel that same level as my personal times. Should I or am I expecting too much? It's just strange.
On the TTC front, things seem to be going smoothly. My cycle looks great so far. This is our last attempt at pregnancy in 2008. A big part of me is very apathetic about our chances for this year. I want to be hopeful, but right now I'm just surviving I guess. Unless you've been through this battle, it's hard to imagine the stress of it all. As the days go on, adoption is looking more and more appealing to me. But I know, for me, this is a temptation to give up. I must obey what God has asked me to do; simply believe and be still.
I'm off to find something to cook for dinner tonight.
Blessings,
~*Melody*~
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
So Far So Good
Just a little TTC update...
So far I've completed the first little bit of my cycle and took my soy for the days 3-7. By looking at my temps, it appears that I ovulated on Monday, but I won't know for certain until Thursday. So it appears that we have a chance at conception this cycle. I'm praying that God does bless our efforts and gives us that little one we've been waiting so long on. Just think of what a wonderful gift it would be to find out around Thanksgiving that our lives would have an added blessing the next year. The possiblity makes me so hopeful. I can't tell you what it would mean to me to be able to share with our family at Christmastime that we were expecting. 'Tis is only a dream for now....but it could happen if only God would allow it.
So far I've completed the first little bit of my cycle and took my soy for the days 3-7. By looking at my temps, it appears that I ovulated on Monday, but I won't know for certain until Thursday. So it appears that we have a chance at conception this cycle. I'm praying that God does bless our efforts and gives us that little one we've been waiting so long on. Just think of what a wonderful gift it would be to find out around Thanksgiving that our lives would have an added blessing the next year. The possiblity makes me so hopeful. I can't tell you what it would mean to me to be able to share with our family at Christmastime that we were expecting. 'Tis is only a dream for now....but it could happen if only God would allow it.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Here We Go Again...
Well it's been a couple months now since our last miscarriage and it's time to hop back on the trying to conceive train. Again.....
So I'm not exactly thrilled about it, but I know it's something that we must do if we plan to use the next couple years effectively. I've yet to start back on the vitamins and supplements, but I have used my natural progesterone cream, plan to start the soy isoflavones on Thursday, and have added apple cider vinegar twice a day. We are still determined to stay on the natural side of treatments.
I think I'm healthy enough now to add some exercise back into my daily routine. Adding exercise has been proven to give your ovaries an added boost, so hey why not. I'd love to loose some weight, but I'm really not focused on that right now. I just want to be as healthy as I can be and hold my child in my arms. I know it's going to be hard getting myself to exercise again. It's been over a year now since I've even been healthy enough to attempt exercise. But it's time now.
Lately several people have challenged my faith in regards to stopping trying for our own child and going down the adoption route. It's very strange that so many different people would come at me with the adoption card all at the same time (this is not said in disrespect to anyone adopting or a child of adoption). Now I'm not against adoption in anyway and I'm not saying that we won't ever adopt a child, but right now I believe that God is telling us to wait. I'm waiting on His promises to us. It's a difficult thing to be in a constant state of waiting, but it is what God has told me to do and it's what I will continue to do, no matter how much it hurts.
Psalm 25:20-21
20 Keep my soul, and deliver me;
Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You.
21 Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.
Psalm 130:6 My soul waits for the Lord
More than those who watch for the morning—
Yes, more than those who watch for the morning.
Hear my heart Father and bless my complete faith and trust in You. I want you to use me for your glory Lord, even if that means showing myself and others the beauty of waiting on You. Be lifted up and glorified in me Lord. Let Your will be done and move Lord, move Lord. Let that latter rain fall afresh on me. I desire You Lord. I desire to hear Your sweet voice say, Child I am pleased with you. I want you to be pleased in me Lord and not just me pleased with me. Continue to help me Lord as I battle against this vessel of clay; this tug of the flesh that I'm constantly pulling against. So tonight I pray these words and scriptures over my life....may You and Your Word ever be alive in my life......In Jesus Name AMEN.
Goodnight Bloggers,
~*Melody*~
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Still Waiting
I'm in the middle of the five day waiting game. In a few days I'll find out if the progesterone cream is actually going to work or if I'll have to revert to taking Provera, a synthetic progestin that has some major side effects. I'm hoping and praying that the progesterone cream works to its fullest potential this time.
So far I've completely lost my baby bump. I'm estimating that I've lost around 5-8 pounds worth of pure fluid. It's great knowing that I'm able to loose some weight now. I have been planning on aggressively trying to loose weight, but so far my efforts have been short lived. I can't seem to find the utter motivation just to go walk around the track a few days a week. I have no excuse, except yesterday and today. Yesterday I had a horrible mixture of allergies and a toothache and today it rained almost all day. I know that loosing weight, even 5-10 lbs, could help jumpstart my system again, yet why do I find it so hard to actually just go for it?
I don't know what gets into me sometimes. I know what I want, yet I sit back and don't really go for it. I could be talking about several other of those transitional things in my life there too. But that's for another entry entirely.
Goodnight.....at 3AM!
So far I've completely lost my baby bump. I'm estimating that I've lost around 5-8 pounds worth of pure fluid. It's great knowing that I'm able to loose some weight now. I have been planning on aggressively trying to loose weight, but so far my efforts have been short lived. I can't seem to find the utter motivation just to go walk around the track a few days a week. I have no excuse, except yesterday and today. Yesterday I had a horrible mixture of allergies and a toothache and today it rained almost all day. I know that loosing weight, even 5-10 lbs, could help jumpstart my system again, yet why do I find it so hard to actually just go for it?
I don't know what gets into me sometimes. I know what I want, yet I sit back and don't really go for it. I could be talking about several other of those transitional things in my life there too. But that's for another entry entirely.
Goodnight.....at 3AM!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Not Quite a Transition Yet
Well...the natural progesterone cream did not work for me. I've been off the cream now for 6 days and there's still no sign of AF. So I'm at a stand still yet again. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I desire any thoughts you may have and all the prayers you can give.
This has discouraged me quite a bit. I was hoping and praying that a treatment that seems to work for everyone would work for me. I guess I'm certainly not average in any aspect of my life.
This has discouraged me quite a bit. I was hoping and praying that a treatment that seems to work for everyone would work for me. I guess I'm certainly not average in any aspect of my life.
~*Melody*~
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