I've spent a couple hours tonight looking through blogs I'd had bookmarked and some of my favorites. It's quite alarming to me that almost all of them had something to do with motherhood. I think I sometimes sabotage myself when I read them, especially several of them in one sitting. I find joy and wisdom in their words, but I leave their sites with pain in my heart. The longing I feel for a child just never goes away. I sound like Sad Sally writing about this all the time, but it's my way of coping; my way of not spontaneously screaming out my frustrations.
This afternoon was lovely. The gentle breeze was blowing and I decided to go outside and knit for a while. I carried my laptop out there to listen to a couple podcasts too. It was just a peaceful time rocking back and forth on my hammock swing. I hadn't been sitting there long when a little boy came running over to me. He wanted to share his "fruits" with me (they were actually a plastic wheelbarrow full of toys). This little boy just wanted some attention. I stopped my knitting and took the "fruit" he offered. A big smile came over his face as he realized that I'd take time for him. He soon skipped on his merry way, but returned shortly after that. He ended up sitting with me on the swing and swinging for a bit. After he left all I could think about was my childhood. I was always the person that the little kids flocked around. I'd go on great adventures with them and we'd play make believe for hours. I found such great joy in the company of those children. I always dreamed that I'd be surrounded by my own children one day. I planned on taking them on adventures too. We'd run around and play in mud puddles. And maybe if we were lucky we'd find some tadpoles in one of those puddles. I dreamed of taking them on hikes to see waterfalls and then jumping in the cool water in the summer time. And of course, I dreamed of teaching my children how to make things with their hands. I looked forward to seeing what their little minds could imagine up.
But that is not my reality. My reality is quiet. I can't stand the quiet. The quiet taunts me and tempts me to come here: at my desk, reading about the life I'd rather have.
Don't get me wrong. I won't abandon these friendships and connections I've made online. I do genuinely care about you all and want to be involved in your lives (as much as possible via our online relationships). But there are times when I have to pull myself back from such things. I don't do this because I'm jealous or mad. It is simply the only way I can cope.
I'm supposed to be on this journey to finding contentment. I find it periodically, but at other times it seems very illusive. Constantly going through highs and lows gets tiresome quickly and isn't the ultimate goal I seek. For now, I'm still learning and adjusting. There are times when I hit hard against my own stubborness. Yet more times when I'm faced with an overwhelming sense of fear and abandonment. I wonder when I'll ever find that sound balance.
The only one thing I'm sure of is that God is right here with me every step of the way. He won't leave me and He never has. My feet get weary often in this life, but I know that He's willing and able to carry me when I can't continue. I feel like I've spent more time in His arms than I have on my own two feet. I'm sure He doesn't mind, but I desire to not feel so weak and helpless sometimes. The Lord is my strength; my only strength. In Him I will wait.
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
TTC Update
Tomorrow I begin my soy isoflavones again. This cycle I'll be taking 200mg for 5 days. I've had the most ovulation success at this dosage, so that's why I'm returning to that dosage. I lost 8 lbs. and it totally messed up my last cycle. I'm not sure why. I thought that weight loss was supposed to help your reproductive organs. Maybe not for me.
I'm praying that the soy starts working again. It hasn't worked since my December '08 cycle. I'll also be adding Evening Primrose Oil gel caps in this cycle. They are supposed to help my cervix to open more. Since I've had so many miscarriages my cervix has some scars and is harder than it should be. I'm praying that the evening primrose will help without causing too much pain for me. They have been known to cause uterine contractions. I'm willing to take the pain if it brings results though.
Sadly we've already pass the mark for conceiving and giving birth to a 2009 baby (full term that is). I did take some time to mourn the loss of another year. But there's still hope of conceiving sometime in 2009 for a 2010 arrival. So many of my high school classmates are pregnant right now. They will all give birth within a month or so of each other. No doubt their children will be good friends and classmates. I was hoping to join them. Maybe that's a bit selfish of me to want my child to have "instant" friends, but one can dream right? It's definately going to be hard at my 10 year reunion this year if I'm not expecting yet. But that's another story for another day.
My husband turns 30 in less than a month. He seems to be ok with the big 3-0, but I'm so scared of aging. I've started to see a gray hair or two on his head. When I first saw one, I literally cried; not because of his changing looks, but because I realized we're getting old and haven't even had children yet. I've been praying for his health and that God would keep him young. He's so loving and so caring for me. Honestly, I'm scared that our best days are behind us though. I'm wondering if I'll even have the energy and ability to care for a child whenever we get there.
Most of the children in our neighborhood were outside playing yesterday. It was a gorgeous day and I had all the windows and doors open. I sat for a little bit watching two young children playing in my yard and closeby. I couldn't help but think about how much I'd love to see my own child out there playing. I've always wanted to be able to participate with the neighborhood families, but we don't have a family to participate with. Being childless doesn't just affect me emotionally, but also socially. There are so many social things that "require" the presence of children. I've never wanted to be the partier or the adult socialite. I want nothing more than to be a mother covered in breastmilk, slobber, and Cheerios. There's nothing I dream about more.
I've been reading a book called Knit Together: Discover God's Pattern for Your Life by Debbie Macomber. I'm only a couple chapters into it. So far it's been talking about how God gives us dreams, passions and desires. The author uses her own story of becoming a writer as a basis for her encouragement to face your dreams with expectancy. Reading this book is very bittersweet for me. On one hand, I am encouraged to continue to hope that my dreams will come true. But on the other hand, I can't make my dreams come true like so many can. I can't put my all into things and see actual success, because I have absolutely no control over my body. While I have many dreams of doing things for God, when it comes down to it, my one true dream is to be a mother. I believe that all the other things will fall into place. Meanwhile though, I'm just sitting around waiting and trusting that God has my best interests at heart.
In an effort to conclude this rambling session, I'll close with the scripture basis for the above mentioned book.....
Psalm 139
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. 3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. 4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. 5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it. 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. 9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me; 12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You. 13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! 18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;When I awake, I am still with You. 19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God! Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men. 20 For they speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain. 21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? 22 I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.
I'm praying that the soy starts working again. It hasn't worked since my December '08 cycle. I'll also be adding Evening Primrose Oil gel caps in this cycle. They are supposed to help my cervix to open more. Since I've had so many miscarriages my cervix has some scars and is harder than it should be. I'm praying that the evening primrose will help without causing too much pain for me. They have been known to cause uterine contractions. I'm willing to take the pain if it brings results though.
Sadly we've already pass the mark for conceiving and giving birth to a 2009 baby (full term that is). I did take some time to mourn the loss of another year. But there's still hope of conceiving sometime in 2009 for a 2010 arrival. So many of my high school classmates are pregnant right now. They will all give birth within a month or so of each other. No doubt their children will be good friends and classmates. I was hoping to join them. Maybe that's a bit selfish of me to want my child to have "instant" friends, but one can dream right? It's definately going to be hard at my 10 year reunion this year if I'm not expecting yet. But that's another story for another day.
My husband turns 30 in less than a month. He seems to be ok with the big 3-0, but I'm so scared of aging. I've started to see a gray hair or two on his head. When I first saw one, I literally cried; not because of his changing looks, but because I realized we're getting old and haven't even had children yet. I've been praying for his health and that God would keep him young. He's so loving and so caring for me. Honestly, I'm scared that our best days are behind us though. I'm wondering if I'll even have the energy and ability to care for a child whenever we get there.
Most of the children in our neighborhood were outside playing yesterday. It was a gorgeous day and I had all the windows and doors open. I sat for a little bit watching two young children playing in my yard and closeby. I couldn't help but think about how much I'd love to see my own child out there playing. I've always wanted to be able to participate with the neighborhood families, but we don't have a family to participate with. Being childless doesn't just affect me emotionally, but also socially. There are so many social things that "require" the presence of children. I've never wanted to be the partier or the adult socialite. I want nothing more than to be a mother covered in breastmilk, slobber, and Cheerios. There's nothing I dream about more.
I've been reading a book called Knit Together: Discover God's Pattern for Your Life by Debbie Macomber. I'm only a couple chapters into it. So far it's been talking about how God gives us dreams, passions and desires. The author uses her own story of becoming a writer as a basis for her encouragement to face your dreams with expectancy. Reading this book is very bittersweet for me. On one hand, I am encouraged to continue to hope that my dreams will come true. But on the other hand, I can't make my dreams come true like so many can. I can't put my all into things and see actual success, because I have absolutely no control over my body. While I have many dreams of doing things for God, when it comes down to it, my one true dream is to be a mother. I believe that all the other things will fall into place. Meanwhile though, I'm just sitting around waiting and trusting that God has my best interests at heart.
In an effort to conclude this rambling session, I'll close with the scripture basis for the above mentioned book.....
Psalm 139
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. 3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. 4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. 5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it. 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. 9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me; 12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You. 13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! 18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;When I awake, I am still with You. 19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God! Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men. 20 For they speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain. 21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? 22 I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.
Monday, March 9, 2009
There Are Days...
There are days in ones life that mean more than others. Days when things just seem to click. Days that seem they could last forever and that you'd be happy till the day you die.
And then there are days that seem like life will continue to dredge along. Days when you question your whole existence. Days when you look at a photo and see only everything that's missing.
There's often a great divide in the mind; a divide that needs some sort of bridge. I have often looked for such a bridge, only to find it too is one of those things that's missing.
While this entry makes no sense to most, for me, it's a transitions of sorts. I believe it's the transition between emptiness and contentment. I desire the latter, but often feel the former. Yet very slowly, by God's grace alone, the emptiness seems to dissipating....at least for this day.
~*Melody*~
And then there are days that seem like life will continue to dredge along. Days when you question your whole existence. Days when you look at a photo and see only everything that's missing.
There's often a great divide in the mind; a divide that needs some sort of bridge. I have often looked for such a bridge, only to find it too is one of those things that's missing.
While this entry makes no sense to most, for me, it's a transitions of sorts. I believe it's the transition between emptiness and contentment. I desire the latter, but often feel the former. Yet very slowly, by God's grace alone, the emptiness seems to dissipating....at least for this day.
~*Melody*~
Friday, December 12, 2008
Determination
This morning I woke up with a bit of determination I had not went to sleep with. I dreamed a very disturbing dream this morning about my upcoming high school reunion next year. I saw each of my class mates in their 10 year senior state with their respective spouses; some with children present, but most without. It was strange as we began to talk to one another. My classmates all seemed so happy to see each other again. Most of them I recognized right away, but others had changed a lot. Apparently I was one of those who'd changed a lot, because no one recognized me without me first telling who I was. ( In real life, there are a lot of people who still recognize me.) I found that a bit disturbing, but wasn't really bothered by it.
The disturbing part came when we all decided to play a game of charades. The object of the game was to act out a description of yourself when you were in high school. Some people were acting like their old selves, but most were acting out friends or others. I stood around, watched and laughed with others while they performed their acts. Standing there the whole time, I couldn't think of one thing to act out about myself. Finally I was the last one to play, a former teacher, whom I didn't recognize, came to me and encouraged me just to do something. She suggested I pretend to read a letter and let them just give me a pity guess or two. I was appalled and wanted no part of that. In a weird twist, people just walked off without saying anything to me and went to do their own things. Even my best friends and those I'd been closest to in high school just avoided me.
The dream continued to include me crying with a friend who's 2 year old tragically died a few years ago. After she and I had cried some, she started laughing; the kind of laugh that just roars and you suddenly realize it's about you. Goodness, I couldn't get away from ridicule in that dream.
I woke up with a bit of determination though. I woke up determined to remember something about myself. I don't know what's happened to my brain, but I can barely remember high school anymore. I remember going to class and people's names, but the details are very fuzzy now. I can remember that I was sorta popular, at times anyway. I was one of the brains with good (ok decent) looks. I dated some, was a member of almost every club, hung out with almost every little cliche at some point, was into music and part of the most successful group of the school. But that's really all I remember....well other than my screw ups. I remember those vividly. I also remember being known as the 'skirt girl', because I was forced (by my church) to wear dresses or skirts all the time until I was in 10th grade. I finally stood up for myself and choose to rebel against those who had false authority over me. I went too far actually, but that's another story for another time.
Back to my determination....I'm determined to find my memories again. I don't know how I lost them, but I know they are still in my head somewhere. I'm also determined to look and feel my best for that reunion. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and was quite scared to see what chronic illness and loss has done to my body. Call this an early new years' resolution if you want, but I will loose some weight and tone up in the new year (providing that I'm not pregnant). I'm determined to have something to show for myself. Right now the only thing I have to show is what a mess I've become. I have no career successes, no children, etc, etc. But I'm going to have something. I'm not sure what, but I'm going to pray that God sends me something, because I'm tired of feeling like a nobody. I'm not a nobody, no matter what lies the devil may tell me.
Anywho, I'm off to prepare my grocery list and head to the store.
The disturbing part came when we all decided to play a game of charades. The object of the game was to act out a description of yourself when you were in high school. Some people were acting like their old selves, but most were acting out friends or others. I stood around, watched and laughed with others while they performed their acts. Standing there the whole time, I couldn't think of one thing to act out about myself. Finally I was the last one to play, a former teacher, whom I didn't recognize, came to me and encouraged me just to do something. She suggested I pretend to read a letter and let them just give me a pity guess or two. I was appalled and wanted no part of that. In a weird twist, people just walked off without saying anything to me and went to do their own things. Even my best friends and those I'd been closest to in high school just avoided me.
The dream continued to include me crying with a friend who's 2 year old tragically died a few years ago. After she and I had cried some, she started laughing; the kind of laugh that just roars and you suddenly realize it's about you. Goodness, I couldn't get away from ridicule in that dream.
I woke up with a bit of determination though. I woke up determined to remember something about myself. I don't know what's happened to my brain, but I can barely remember high school anymore. I remember going to class and people's names, but the details are very fuzzy now. I can remember that I was sorta popular, at times anyway. I was one of the brains with good (ok decent) looks. I dated some, was a member of almost every club, hung out with almost every little cliche at some point, was into music and part of the most successful group of the school. But that's really all I remember....well other than my screw ups. I remember those vividly. I also remember being known as the 'skirt girl', because I was forced (by my church) to wear dresses or skirts all the time until I was in 10th grade. I finally stood up for myself and choose to rebel against those who had false authority over me. I went too far actually, but that's another story for another time.
Back to my determination....I'm determined to find my memories again. I don't know how I lost them, but I know they are still in my head somewhere. I'm also determined to look and feel my best for that reunion. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and was quite scared to see what chronic illness and loss has done to my body. Call this an early new years' resolution if you want, but I will loose some weight and tone up in the new year (providing that I'm not pregnant). I'm determined to have something to show for myself. Right now the only thing I have to show is what a mess I've become. I have no career successes, no children, etc, etc. But I'm going to have something. I'm not sure what, but I'm going to pray that God sends me something, because I'm tired of feeling like a nobody. I'm not a nobody, no matter what lies the devil may tell me.
Anywho, I'm off to prepare my grocery list and head to the store.
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