Running

"Its so easy to run FROM God, but so hard to run TO God. I'm going to pray that God gives you that last bit of courage and passion to draw you right to the place where He wants you."

 I wrote these words to a friend tonight and God struck a cord in my heart.  "What are you running from child?  Why must you take the easy way when I've called you into the difficult?"

Talk about knock my breath away for a second!  I would never call my life easy, but what does God see that I don't?  Am I making decisions in life because they are easy or because they are what God wants me to do?  At the moment, I can't answer that question with a definitive answer.  

Philippians 2:5-8 (NKJV)  says this...

⁵ Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, ⁶ who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, ⁷ but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and⁸ And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. coming in the likeness of men.

This scripture was the first one I saw today and it was the one I needed.  Jesus was God in the flesh.  He knew all and was (and is) all powerful.   Jesus could have done anything He wanted while in the fleshly body.  Yet He chose to take the difficult path.  He chose to become a servant to man. And He chose to be obedient to the point of death on the cross.  It wasn't easy for Jesus to give up His will and lay it all down for us.  None of the suffering Jesus endured was easy or okay for him, yet He went through it anyway.

When I think of the suffering I've experienced, I should remember the suffering that Christ chose to go through for me.  It's honestly often hard for me to think that Jesus knew the kind of suffering I've experienced.  How did he know the emptiness of my arms?  How did he know what it's like to have a child die inside his body?  But when I really think about it, Jesus chose to live a life alone, without a helpmate, without a wife.  Jesus never knew the joy of holding his own flesh and blood in his arms.  I know the Bible doesn't mention his thoughts on this, but I do imagine that being human he felt the absence of that special family bond.  I know that He knew all our pains and I believe that He knows mine too.  When Jesus went to pray in the garden of Gethsemane, He prayed so hard that His sweat became as blood.  Can you imagine someone praying that hard for you?  To know that He was praying for the coming days and all of us is more than I can even comprehend.  It's no wonder that His whole body was affected.  While He was suffering being beaten, carrying that cross, and finally dying, I was on His mind.  All the pain and shame I've been through was on His mind.  My Jesus ran straight into the difficult and the impossible, not because He wanted to, but because He knew we needed Him to.  He not only became our salvation, but He showed the Way.

*taking a moment to let that sink in*

Lord,

  Examine my heart and mind.  Show me the Way....the way of Your plan, the way of my specific path.  Help me to run to You, God.  I'm much too weak and weary from this journey.  I feel my strength is almost gone. Be the strength and the courage I need.  Help me to put the easy way out of my mind. Give my heart the urgency I once had.  Return to me Lord the complete joy of my salvation.  I desire to see You vividly again. Forgive me for running in any direction other than You.  Thank you Lord for never leaving my side and awakening my spirit.  

In Jesus Name....AMEN

For anyone reading this, be blessed today and know that you have the power to choose which direction you'll run.  

~*Melody*~

Determination

This morning I woke up with a bit of determination I had not went to sleep with. I dreamed a very disturbing dream this morning about my upcoming high school reunion next year. I saw each of my class mates in their 10 year senior state with their respective spouses; some with children present, but most without. It was strange as we began to talk to one another. My classmates all seemed so happy to see each other again. Most of them I recognized right away, but others had changed a lot. Apparently I was one of those who'd changed a lot, because no one recognized me without me first telling who I was. ( In real life, there are a lot of people who still recognize me.) I found that a bit disturbing, but wasn't really bothered by it.

The disturbing part came when we all decided to play a game of charades. The object of the game was to act out a description of yourself when you were in high school. Some people were acting like their old selves, but most were acting out friends or others. I stood around, watched and laughed with others while they performed their acts. Standing there the whole time, I couldn't think of one thing to act out about myself. Finally I was the last one to play, a former teacher, whom I didn't recognize, came to me and encouraged me just to do something. She suggested I pretend to read a letter and let them just give me a pity guess or two. I was appalled and wanted no part of that. In a weird twist, people just walked off without saying anything to me and went to do their own things. Even my best friends and those I'd been closest to in high school just avoided me.

The dream continued to include me crying with a friend who's 2 year old tragically died a few years ago. After she and I had cried some, she started laughing; the kind of laugh that just roars and you suddenly realize it's about you. Goodness, I couldn't get away from ridicule in that dream.

I woke up with a bit of determination though. I woke up determined to remember something about myself. I don't know what's happened to my brain, but I can barely remember high school anymore. I remember going to class and people's names, but the details are very fuzzy now. I can remember that I was sorta popular, at times anyway. I was one of the brains with good (ok decent) looks. I dated some, was a member of almost every club, hung out with almost every little cliche at some point, was into music and part of the most successful group of the school. But that's really all I remember....well other than my screw ups. I remember those vividly. I also remember being known as the 'skirt girl', because I was forced (by my church) to wear dresses or skirts all the time until I was in 10th grade. I finally stood up for myself and choose to rebel against those who had false authority over me. I went too far actually, but that's another story for another time.

Back to my determination....I'm determined to find my memories again. I don't know how I lost them, but I know they are still in my head somewhere. I'm also determined to look and feel my best for that reunion. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and was quite scared to see what chronic illness and loss has done to my body. Call this an early new years' resolution if you want, but I will loose some weight and tone up in the new year (providing that I'm not pregnant). I'm determined to have something to show for myself. Right now the only thing I have to show is what a mess I've become. I have no career successes, no children, etc, etc. But I'm going to have something. I'm not sure what, but I'm going to pray that God sends me something, because I'm tired of feeling like a nobody. I'm not a nobody, no matter what lies the devil may tell me.

Anywho, I'm off to prepare my grocery list and head to the store.