TTC Update

Tomorrow I begin my soy isoflavones again. This cycle I'll be taking 200mg for 5 days. I've had the most ovulation success at this dosage, so that's why I'm returning to that dosage. I lost 8 lbs. and it totally messed up my last cycle. I'm not sure why. I thought that weight loss was supposed to help your reproductive organs. Maybe not for me.

I'm praying that the soy starts working again. It hasn't worked since my December '08 cycle. I'll also be adding Evening Primrose Oil gel caps in this cycle. They are supposed to help my cervix to open more. Since I've had so many miscarriages my cervix has some scars and is harder than it should be. I'm praying that the evening primrose will help without causing too much pain for me. They have been known to cause uterine contractions. I'm willing to take the pain if it brings results though.

Sadly we've already pass the mark for conceiving and giving birth to a 2009 baby (full term that is). I did take some time to mourn the loss of another year. But there's still hope of conceiving sometime in 2009 for a 2010 arrival. So many of my high school classmates are pregnant right now. They will all give birth within a month or so of each other. No doubt their children will be good friends and classmates. I was hoping to join them. Maybe that's a bit selfish of me to want my child to have "instant" friends, but one can dream right? It's definately going to be hard at my 10 year reunion this year if I'm not expecting yet. But that's another story for another day.

My husband turns 30 in less than a month. He seems to be ok with the big 3-0, but I'm so scared of aging. I've started to see a gray hair or two on his head. When I first saw one, I literally cried; not because of his changing looks, but because I realized we're getting old and haven't even had children yet. I've been praying for his health and that God would keep him young. He's so loving and so caring for me. Honestly, I'm scared that our best days are behind us though. I'm wondering if I'll even have the energy and ability to care for a child whenever we get there.

Most of the children in our neighborhood were outside playing yesterday. It was a gorgeous day and I had all the windows and doors open. I sat for a little bit watching two young children playing in my yard and closeby. I couldn't help but think about how much I'd love to see my own child out there playing. I've always wanted to be able to participate with the neighborhood families, but we don't have a family to participate with. Being childless doesn't just affect me emotionally, but also socially. There are so many social things that "require" the presence of children. I've never wanted to be the partier or the adult socialite. I want nothing more than to be a mother covered in breastmilk, slobber, and Cheerios. There's nothing I dream about more.

I've been reading a book called Knit Together: Discover God's Pattern for Your Life by Debbie Macomber. I'm only a couple chapters into it. So far it's been talking about how God gives us dreams, passions and desires. The author uses her own story of becoming a writer as a basis for her encouragement to face your dreams with expectancy. Reading this book is very bittersweet for me. On one hand, I am encouraged to continue to hope that my dreams will come true. But on the other hand, I can't make my dreams come true like so many can. I can't put my all into things and see actual success, because I have absolutely no control over my body. While I have many dreams of doing things for God, when it comes down to it, my one true dream is to be a mother. I believe that all the other things will fall into place. Meanwhile though, I'm just sitting around waiting and trusting that God has my best interests at heart.

In an effort to conclude this rambling session, I'll close with the scripture basis for the above mentioned book.....
Psalm 139
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. 3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. 4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. 5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it. 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. 9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me; 12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You. 13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! 18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;When I awake, I am still with You. 19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God! Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men. 20 For they speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain. 21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? 22 I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

So Hard to Explain....

Suicide is such a hard thing to explain. Tonight we learned of someone directly linked to our church family who committed suicide. Amongst all the tears you could see real fear and questions written all over people's faces. What can you really tell a teenager about suicide...other than the fact that it happened. There's no answers and no reasoning that bring any comfort to the hurting.

Suicide is such a selfish act. It's wounds go far deeper than the physical act. People's lives are forever changed by suicide. I know my life has been changed by several suicides. There's a certain kind of anger that rises up in me when I think about those in my own life who've committed such an act.

I desire your prayers for our church family during this trying time. Pray that God will send comfort and guidance over our teens specifically.

Thanks....
~*Melody*~

Change of Plans and Illness

Wow its amazing how fast plans can change, huh? My weekend ended up being nothing like what I wrote about in the last entry. Lou changed her mind and didn't stay with us. So we took on a different project....living room reconstruction. There had been a spot on our floor that felt weak under your feet. So my hubby and I moved around the entire living and dining room so that we could pull back the carpet and address the flooring issue.

Sure enough when we got the carpet pulled back, there was a square that had to be replaced. Apparently one of the tongues in our tongue-n-groove subfloor had given out over time. So we got that all replaced and the carpet back down. Then there was the hard task of moving everything back.

I'm amazed at how much junk one can accumulate over a couple years. There were things inside our entertainment center that I never even knew existed. LOL, it was a bit of a hidden treasure hunt, particularly with a video of Adrian and I from Summer '04. Goodness that video was taken almost 5 years ago. My my how life has changed in those 5 years.

We finished up all the moving and cleaning Saturday night. I believe this is a true miracle. I didn't think we'd finish till later in the week because there was just so much stuff everywhere. I was so surprised and so proud of my husband for all his help in getting the cleaning done.

Shortly after I went to sleep Saturday night I woke up feeling very dizzy and I was freezing. I reached over and grabbed my trusty thermometer (read annoying) that lives beside my bed (thanks to infertility). My temp. was right at 102 degrees (F). Oi. I knew it then, I had picked up the nasty little virus that has been floating around for months. Here it is spring and I hadn't caught it yet. I thought I'd escaped it, but I was wrong.

Today is the first day I've felt well enough to sit up for a while. My fevers finally broke sometime overnight. I'm so thankful because I was beginning to feel out of my mind. Its wonderful to feel level headed again. ;-)

~*Melody*~

With a More Level Head

First of all, I just want to thank all of those who read my last post. Thanks for your support, wisdom and prayers. I appreciate that you gave honest and genuine responses.

I'm not exactly sure what drove me to such a low. I think it may have been rooted in the time I spent in that room earlier that day. The questioning had been in my mind for some time though. It's very ironic that I was writing that entry while watching "Mama Mia". LOL, you'd think that a light hearted musical would have brought me some happiness and an uplifted entry. Oh well, that emotion filled entry is over with now.

Today RL and I spent some time with Genna at the park. She is so precious sometimes. There were several little girls that she talked to. She was even encouraging them to be big girls on the swings. I enjoyed going down the big metal slide with her. LOL, it's the only one adults can really fit on. It's also the one I used to play on as a child. I find it rewarding to share something with our goddaughter that I enjoyed as a child.

Poor Genna was totally exhausted though. She took a lot of water breaks during her playtime. She was super clingy too. We went to McD's for a snack and to let her play in their play area. As I was standing in line waiting for our food, RL came carrying her back to me. She was crying and I was sure she'd gotten hurt. She wasn't hurt, just wanting her mommy and to go home. We brought her home and she cuddled with me for about 45 minutes while we watched TV. It was so nice snuggling up with her. I was telling her how much I enjoyed our cuddles. She looked up at me and said "You love me and I just love you too." I almost cried. Good times...yep good times.

Our night ended with Lou's chorus concert and some late dinner at the Mexican place in town. Tomorrow's plans are for some grocery shopping. I've been using coupons lately and have been learning about ways to save as much as possible. I need to do a post about what I've learned. Maybe I could do that tomorrow. I'll also be doing a bit of cleaning before we pick Lou up from track practice. She's staying the weekend with us. So that means I'll get to be "momma to a teen" for the weekend.

~*Melody*~

I Suppose....

I suppose this post should be going into my private waiting on baby blog. But I felt the need to share this with someone other than myself. There will be pictures involved, but I need to share the feelings more.

For quite some time I've been saving baby clothing and items for our future children. Actually we've been gathering items up since we found out about our first pregnancy back in 2000. We only bought a few items for that first pregnancy before we found out that they (multiples) had not survived. We were pregnant again just a few months later and just knew that joy would finally come to us. I bought lots of things during the few weeks of that wee one's life. I drew up some plans for my husband to build a large hope chest to house all my child's treasures till their birth or at least till the nursery was finished. Unfortunately that baby passed weeks before the hope chest was completed.

Years passed and so did several more pregnancies. My hope remained in that chest for so long. Here and there I'd buy things for certain pregnancies or just for the hope of the next one. I stuffed little baby items into that chest until I couldn't even get the top closed anymore. So the items miagrated to a new home....an actual room....a nursery.

Here's that nursery now...

A view of the closet, with all the cute little dresses and outfits.

Top drawer of the dresser, complete with shoes, tights, hairbows, pacifiers, hats, bibs, etc.

The Care Bears art that matches the crib set we bought for the '05-'06 pregnancy.

The second drawer of the dresser/changing table. It's full of sleepers, onesies, and pj's.

The toy shelf - completely overflowing....with a nice prayer cross under it (I have the matching boy version in the bottom dresser drawer.)

The big watch clock on the wall, next to the piggy bank partial full of money for a child that isn't even conceived yet.

The peaceful corner.....

Ellie, the elphant I bought .... after...

So here's those feelings I need to share. Lately I've been thinking that maybe I should get rid of these things. These little items of hope that I've held onto so long. A friend of mine once advised that I get rid of them; that I should just erase that away. But I'm so torn. I don't want to give up hope, but am I hanging onto hope or memories of the past. While I wait, how many children could be using these items? Is it selfish of me to hold onto these things?

Has my chance, my promised child already came and gone? I don't know and I won't know until or if things ever change. I know this sounds like a bit of a degression from some of my former posts. Maybe it is, or maybe this is just the beginning of something to come.

~*Melody*~

Walking Teams

I thought it was time I did a post about the women's walking teams that we've recently started at church. I guess I'm the one kinda 'over' said project. I'm really excited about finally having someone to walk with. The downside is that I have to travel a bit to get to the walking track. It should be good for all of us though. There's a certain young lady in our church that I hope has a chance to walk with us. I'd like to get to know her better. She and I don't seem to have a lot in common, but for some reason I feel like I'm supposed to get to know her.

Anyway back to the walking teams. I'll be the lead person for the Tuesday morning team and our women's director will be the lead person for the Thursday evening team. I hope to get to participate with both actually. If these teams are successful, we'll be offering some actual exercise classes at our church in the future.

For my team, I'll be starting off with scripture and prayer. I want our scriptures to focus on walking with God. These scriptures have nothing to do with walking for exercise, but I think it's important to focus on our walks with God. I'll be doing a bit of a devotional from me following the scripture. I'd like to share this with you all as well. So be on the lookout for a Tuesday's walking post. I'll be sharing a more expanded version of my devotional and may even give some more scriptures to go along with it. I'll also be briefly sharing about the walk, friendships forming, distance walked and experiences.

But today I'm going to sit back and listen to a podcast while I knit. I'm still pondering that nap I posted about on my Twitter. We'll see....

~*Melody*~

There Are Days...

There are days in ones life that mean more than others. Days when things just seem to click. Days that seem they could last forever and that you'd be happy till the day you die.

And then there are days that seem like life will continue to dredge along. Days when you question your whole existence. Days when you look at a photo and see only everything that's missing.

There's often a great divide in the mind; a divide that needs some sort of bridge. I have often looked for such a bridge, only to find it too is one of those things that's missing.

While this entry makes no sense to most, for me, it's a transitions of sorts. I believe it's the transition between emptiness and contentment. I desire the latter, but often feel the former. Yet very slowly, by God's grace alone, the emptiness seems to dissipating....at least for this day.

~*Melody*~

My Life Suddenly Got Very Busy

Just days after writing my last entry, my life seemed to burst with activity. A good portion of that activity revolves around church. My calendar is almost completely booked between now and June. Whew, it's quite exhausting I won't lie. Honestly, at times I've felt very overwhelmed and questioned why I let myself get involved. Right now I don't feel like there's a lot of real ministry involved in the activities and things we have planned. I desire so much to seek out spiritual goals and not social goals. Yes there needs to be a certain level of social activities, but I believe that needs to be balanced by opportunities for spiritual growth.

Lord, only You know why I am here at this time in my life. I trust that You know completely what's in store for my particular "place" here. Right now I'm stressing some. I know that stress isn't good for me. I know You delivered me from an overstressed situation before and I'm trying hard not to allow myself to fall back into that. Please help me find the balances. Help me see Your will in this and let me not loose sight of that.

On another topic, I've been a terrible blogger. I seem to do this often. I get a nice following of people by writing on a regular basis. Then suddenly I stop posting entries on a regular basis and I loose all my web traffic. I've also gotten lazy when leaving comments to my friends, family, and fellow bloggers. Please accept my sincere appologies. I promise to be better....soon.

In addition to all the new responsibilities I spoke of above, I've been on a cleaning and organizing rampage around my home. I am so happy and pleased to report that minus a few odds and ends here and there, I HAVE ALL THE ROOMS THE WAY I WANT THEM! LOL, I have lived here almost 8 years and am finally content with the placement of things. Oi....I have waited so long for this. Now the hard work comes...keeping it this way. Right now I'm just living in the joy of being proud of myself.

~*Melody*~

March 1 Memory Verse Beth Moore's Scripture Memorization Challenge
Job 23:10-11 (NIV)
10 But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
11 My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside.