Randomness

After re-reading my Sad Sally post this morning, I started thinking about the origin of my sudden emotional low. I began taking my soy isoflavones 5 days ago so that I could resume ovulation. It's about that time that I began feeling these sudden lows coming on. I'm also quite crabby at times too. So maybe the soy is influences my moods a bit more than I thought. It doesn't change the fact of the way I feel, but it does give me some hope that its not just me.

I have been trying to focus on other things today. There's a little project that I've been pouring myself into. It's a surprise for that special little girl in my life. I'll share it with you all as soon as she sees it. I'm also beginning to plan next years' garden. I know that sounds a wee bit strange, but my step dad told me a few days ago that he'll plow out a large garden plot for me next year on his property. EEEEEKKKK I absolutely can't wait to grow all the lovely vegetables. I'm planning out which ones I want and can grow in this area. So far I have quite a list going. I'm going to make the list and then sit down with RL so that we can fine tune it.

Then there comes the matter of how to preserve our crops next year. I plan to start buying a few canning supplies pretty soon so that I can buy them slowly over time. That should help reduce the initial cost of buying them all. I think my mother-in-law will let me borrow a few of her canning pots to use, so I'm going to focus on the jars and the smaller items.

You will probably be hearing more about this little venture of mine in the next few months. It's strange because I never dreamed in a million years that I would enjoy gardening this much. The food you grow yourself (mine is organic) tastes so much better than anything store bought or restaurant prepared. I actually enjoy eating vegetables now. It's good for my morale and my health !

Ok I'm off again to go relax with my knitting. I have fresh green beans in the crock pot and am going to steam some brocolli in a bit. Yummo !

Looking Through

I've spent a couple hours tonight looking through blogs I'd had bookmarked and some of my favorites. It's quite alarming to me that almost all of them had something to do with motherhood. I think I sometimes sabotage myself when I read them, especially several of them in one sitting. I find joy and wisdom in their words, but I leave their sites with pain in my heart. The longing I feel for a child just never goes away. I sound like Sad Sally writing about this all the time, but it's my way of coping; my way of not spontaneously screaming out my frustrations.

This afternoon was lovely. The gentle breeze was blowing and I decided to go outside and knit for a while. I carried my laptop out there to listen to a couple podcasts too. It was just a peaceful time rocking back and forth on my hammock swing. I hadn't been sitting there long when a little boy came running over to me. He wanted to share his "fruits" with me (they were actually a plastic wheelbarrow full of toys). This little boy just wanted some attention. I stopped my knitting and took the "fruit" he offered. A big smile came over his face as he realized that I'd take time for him. He soon skipped on his merry way, but returned shortly after that. He ended up sitting with me on the swing and swinging for a bit. After he left all I could think about was my childhood. I was always the person that the little kids flocked around. I'd go on great adventures with them and we'd play make believe for hours. I found such great joy in the company of those children. I always dreamed that I'd be surrounded by my own children one day. I planned on taking them on adventures too. We'd run around and play in mud puddles. And maybe if we were lucky we'd find some tadpoles in one of those puddles. I dreamed of taking them on hikes to see waterfalls and then jumping in the cool water in the summer time. And of course, I dreamed of teaching my children how to make things with their hands. I looked forward to seeing what their little minds could imagine up.

But that is not my reality. My reality is quiet. I can't stand the quiet. The quiet taunts me and tempts me to come here: at my desk, reading about the life I'd rather have.

Don't get me wrong. I won't abandon these friendships and connections I've made online. I do genuinely care about you all and want to be involved in your lives (as much as possible via our online relationships). But there are times when I have to pull myself back from such things. I don't do this because I'm jealous or mad. It is simply the only way I can cope.

I'm supposed to be on this journey to finding contentment. I find it periodically, but at other times it seems very illusive. Constantly going through highs and lows gets tiresome quickly and isn't the ultimate goal I seek. For now, I'm still learning and adjusting. There are times when I hit hard against my own stubborness. Yet more times when I'm faced with an overwhelming sense of fear and abandonment. I wonder when I'll ever find that sound balance.

The only one thing I'm sure of is that God is right here with me every step of the way. He won't leave me and He never has. My feet get weary often in this life, but I know that He's willing and able to carry me when I can't continue. I feel like I've spent more time in His arms than I have on my own two feet. I'm sure He doesn't mind, but I desire to not feel so weak and helpless sometimes. The Lord is my strength; my only strength. In Him I will wait.

Plarn Bag Line and Upcoming Dates

I made an oops when posting this entry to this blog. I usually keep all my Creative Radiance items over on it's own blog, but after thinking about it I decided to leave this post here as well.

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I'm pleased to introduce my newest plarn bag line. These bags are hand crocheted from recycled grocery store bags that I've turned into plastic yarn. So far I offer three sizes of plarn bags. I'm making mostly tan bags right now, but will be offering white bags soon. Since these bags are made from plastic you don't have to worry about getting them wet or how to wash them. The possibilities are almost endless!

I first introduced these bags at my local shop at the Farmer's Market. People have been fascinated and have asked for more bags. So I'm doing my best to deliver just that. These bags will make an appearance in my Etsy shop this week, but I will be offering them at a discounted rate to my local shoppers. Below are pictures are some details of each bag.


The Lunch Bag - a small bag measuring 8" wide by 11" tall (including handles). **
This little bag would be a nice little reusable lunch sack or a small fruit/veggie tote.



Drawstring Plarn Bag - this medium bag measures 10" wide by 15" tall. **
The perfect catch all bag with versatile handles. I've placed a beach towel, swimsuit and sunscreen in this one to make a wonderful beach/pool day.





Market Tote - the large bag measuring approx. 14" wide by 16" tall. **
This bag would be a nice addition to a nice long day of shopping.


**Please note: All bags have 2-4 inches of overall stretch as well. The mesh middles make it easier for the bag to stretch to accommodate it's contents.

UPCOMING LOCAL SHOP DATES :
I will be having my shop at the Andrews Farmer's Market in Hall Memorial Park from 8am - 12 noon (weather permitting or unless I sell out early) on the following dates in July.

July 4th and July 18th

(On vacation July 9th - 13th)

If you are a local customer and have missed my local shop date, please contact me via email at shopcreativeradiance@yahoo.com or leave a comment here on the blog. I will do my best to accommodate your needs.

The August shop dates and locations will be posted as soon as I make the schedule.


Thanks again for your support!
~*Melody*~

Just something about....

Ya know there's just something about being in God's Will. You know His mercies are neverending, you know His prescence is all around, and you feel Him smiling down on you ! Ah, just pure ah!

I haven't felt like this in such a long time. I think this is contentment. I've been seeking for quite some time for God to help me be content with what He's given me. It's not that I took things for granted, it's that I was living for tomorrow instead of today. I was searching for who I wanted to become instead of embracing who I am today. Slowly I've been releasing and God has been filling me up ever since.

*takes a deep breath in* So this is what I've been searching for....it was here with me all along and I didn't even know it.

'Tis pleasant..... Thank you Abba...You knew how much I needed this.

~*Melody*~


P.S. This is a cross post from my other online journaling site.

Life Changes

I've been delaying writing another post partly because I was in incredible denial and secondly because I've been so busy with all the changes.

My godchildren and their parents no longer live close to us. They have been assigned a new pastorship in the middle part of the state. So I'm adjusting to the fact that my dear little ones now live 5 hours away. It's been hard to face the facts. There's times when I can still hear my goddaughter calling out my name. I half expect to turn around and feel her wrap those little arms around me. I digress...I know that their family has to follow after God's Will, but I will miss seeing them on a regular basis.

The ministry oportunity that was presented to me a few weeks ago is still something I'm pursuing. It's not where I want to be and I feel like it's not really where I'm supposed to be, but for now I'm needed there. I will continue in this position until we can find a suitable replacement. I'm a litte pressed for time right now so I'm not able to go into any details at this time.

This will have to be the end to my quick update. I'm blogging from the public library because my internet has been down all day at home. I hope and pray it comes back on soon. Until next time....

~*Melody*~

Direction

Lord,
I need your divine direction in my life. There are so many things coming all at once at me. I know that You are in part of this, but Lord I want to be in those parts and only those parts. Help me to know what Your Will is for my life. I'm trying my best to make You my priority in these decisions. Right now Lord I feel so unsure of the way I should go. I don't like feeling like this and I know there's no confusion in You. Please help me to make the appropriate decisions and let me know that it is the right way for me.

In Jesus Name.....AMEN.

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After posting my last entry, I had a personal sort of open-your-mouth-insert-foot moment. It turns out that the very thing I was talking about turned around. I've been presented with a couple of opportunities to do some actual ministry within our local church. One of them will include using my creativity to teach some summer classes to our women. I'm very excited about teaching these classes and have already began to put together the things I need for them.

The next ministry opportunity came unfortunately when some truths came to light about a former person in leadership. I have worked in this type of ministry before (please forgive my vagueness) and feel very comfortable working in it again. However, I'm very hesitant to jump back into it. I do fear that I will "get stuck" there. I'm extremely uncertain about taking on this ministry again.

I'm equally concerned about the amount of things I'm actively involved in. One of the biggest lessons I learned from my former church experience was to never take on more than you can handle. I spread myself so incredibly thin while at that other church that I was on the verge of burnout at all times. I didn't have any time for myself and my family life suffered because of that. I refuse to fall back into that trap. I know God delivered me for a reason and I can't willfully jump back into it.

There's also my personal life to consider. I've been working hard over the past few months to prepare for the summer selling season for my home business, Creative Radiance. As it is now before any new commitments, I only have a couple of free Saturdays to set up my shop. If I don't have time through the week, I won't be able to continue making things and won't be making any money. We desperately need for me to earn some income over the summer. I must consider this as well before making any decisions

Oi !
~*Melody*~

Late Night Blogging

I haven't blogged here in the entire month of May. Part of me has been longing to share my heart, but most of me said I should guard it closely. You see over the past month, life has hit me with some incredible highs and lows. I am feeling stronger now, but there are moments when I'm overwhelmed with pure emotion.

Mother's Day came and went; another special day with empty arms. Our last child was due on Mother's Day so emotion and pain hit me hard on that day. I honestly haven't cried that much since our first couple miscarriages. I don't know what came over me, but I just let the tears flow. Many people at church noticed. I'm not sure if they all knew why I was crying, but they noticed. I received two lovely cards telling me that they were thinking about me and how I should be celebrated as well on this Day. I appreciated all the kindness and support from my church family. I also opened up a bit on my Facebook statuses. I'm amazed at how many people responded back with love, prayers and *hugs*. I never realized so many people would actually care about me enough to respond back, but they did and I am so grateful for those comments and their concern.

Shortly before Mother's Day came news about future plans for my godchildren and their parents. I can't share too much yet, because nothing is finalized yet, but there's a very high possibility that my godchildren will no longer live 15 minutes from me. It's more likely they'll live about 5 hours away. My heart breaks when I think about the distance between us. I love both of those children like my own. I have loved and cared for them their entire lives and the thoughts of not having them near have brought great sadness to me. I know that God has a plan for this family and that His ways are much higher than mine. I know that I can't be selfish and expect God to keep them near me because I love them so much. I also knew that there would probably be a day when God called them away. I know these things......but it doesn't make it hurt less.

One of those highs I spoke of above came unexpectedly for my fertility. While charting my temps, I discovered that I had indeed ovulated on cycle day 14, which is perfect in terms of a normal cycle. I could hardly believe it! Seeing those little reds lines on my chart sent such hope to me. My temps were staying high and my heart raced each day at the thoughts that I may be carrying another little one. After about a week's worth of increased breast tenderness and a few other odd symptoms, I was almost certain that I'd be announcing God's miracle working power in me in the next few weeks. Cycle day 28 came and as I took my temperature that morning I was so certain that it would be high that I almost didn't even look at it. But when I did look at it, I found it was extremely low, 96.5 to be exact. My heart sank as I realized that I wasn't pregnant and this was the signal of an impending start to a cycle. Later that day I did begin spotting. Thankfully, I was with my godchildren and their mother at a doctor's appointment when I discovered the spotting. They helped me keep my mind off of things for a while. However, later that evening those all too familiar feelings creeped back in and the deep disappointment lingered.

A few days later I was able to reflect on the past cycle though. God did bless me with a miracle; the miracle of a textbook, normal cycle. I couldn't ask for a better, more balanced cycle than the last one. I know that God sent the evening primrose oil my way for a reason. I took 3000mg for the first part of my cycle (prior to ovulation) and the results prove that it helped me. I also kept taking my 5 days of soy isoflavones and used progesterone cream the last part of my cycle. I plan to go on a soy break for 2 or 3 months and continue using EPO and NPC only.

I wish I had the time to blog about more things tonight, but I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is one of those long, tiresome days at church. I should describe them as stress filled days. I don't have the time or the energy to fully describe what's going on lately. I wish I could say that the stress derived from the overwhelming amount of good or ministry that we are doing, but sadly I can't. I am very discouraged and disappointed at the lack of actual ministry being accomplished right now, particularly through the women's ministries. Being a member of the leadership, I guess I should assume some of that responsibility. And before I say anything else that I might regret, I guess I should end this here and just ask for your prayers. I need some direction right now. I have seriously considered backing out of women's leadership for various reasons. I don't like to quit anything and find it hard to say no when asked for help, but I am learning that there are times in life when one must walk away from things. I don't know if this is one of those times or not. I'm just praying about it right now.

Blessings....
~*Melody*~