Please excuse the mess....blog under renovations !

Thursday, October 23, 2008

My Stiring Heart

Recently I feel like God is stiring my heart again. I'm not quite sure why or towards what, but I just have that feeling. With all my soul searching that I've been doing lately, I have found that I'm not as content with where I am than I thought I was. Now this isn't to say that I'm going to pick up and move my whole life a week from tomorrow, but it is to say that thought has crossed my mind.

Personally, I'd love nothing more to get out of this area. I'd love to go have the chance to really be me. The thrill of the adventure calls out to me. But the fear of the unknown, lack of money and family keep me grounded here.

I wonder what God might be able to do with me (and my husband) if we could step out of this comfort zone that we live in. It feels that both of us have not really taken initiative in our callings. We were deeply burned out and hurt leaving our last church. When first given the opportunity in our new church to really step out, I didn't because my heart wasn't healed enough yet. Now there's no real way to step out within the church and the ministry I once felt so called to.

I question whether God is moving us in a different direction at this time. My husband and I talked about this for several hours a few nights ago. I'm not sure where to go from here or what to do. The next morning I asked him in all honesty, "Do you really think I could give up youth ministry? I mean really give it up and walk away?" He didn't really have a response. I suppose he had the same answer I did though..."I simply don't know."

Truely following after God and doing His will is so difficult sometimes. But when you think about it, it isn't really difficult to know God's will, the difficulty comes when we know our will. We naturally listen to our will before we listen to God's Will. Our will makes hearing God's true Will cloudy. Confusion is not from God, it's from self and the flesh. God is a God of order and justice. We often confuse that with the mindset "life just isn't fair to me." God never promised that life would be fair, only that He is our ultimate justice and that He never changes. My will changes, but God's doesn't change. The key to finding God's will though is often hidden in all the baggage we carry around. We cling to that baggage and often refuse to let it go.

This time of soul searching has lead me to this: It's time to let go of some baggage.

Friday, October 10, 2008

A Devotional and Some Personal Thought

FEELING WEAK? A NOTE OF ENCOURAGEMENT FROM REBECCA ST. JAMES
(directly copied from her blog)

Here's a relevant message for today from Rebecca's new book, "Pure"

Have you ever heard the saying, "Everything we need to know in life, we learned in kindergarten"? Many people learned a great deal in Sunday school. All of us as children with bright beaming faces have sung in our best and most earnest voices the words to "Jesus Loves Me": Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong! We all face times in life when we literally find that we, in our humanness, are not sufficient for the task at hand. We come face-to-face with the truth of the reality that in our weakness God is strong.

I once participated in an event called Thrive that was telecast live via closed circuit across the country to churches. I was not feeling very well the day of my concert—physically, emotionally, and spiritually I was feeling quite vulnerable. I was also a little nervous about sharing the stage with the caliber of the other women at the event—women such as Kay Arthur, Liz Curtis Higgs, and Lynne Hybels. If there were ever a time I wanted to feel it was "game on" musically and every other way—it was now—and I wasn't feeling that way at all.

I spoke with a friend right before I went onstage and asked her to pray for me.She said, "Rebecca, I want you to remember what it means to be a jar of clay. Even if we have only a few drops left in the bottom of the jar—that's a good thing! It allows God to fill us up—rather than us being filled up on our own strength. I want to encourage you to go out there knowing that God can use you probably more effectively in your weakness than He could if you were feeling strong today."Her encouragement changed my total perspective and outlook so much that day, as if it gave me an instant spiritual transformation. My spirit just felt so much lighter and free.

I was able to share honestly with the audience about how there needs to be a place for honesty and vulnerability within our relationships. It promotes community and an atmosphere where we can then turn to God together. What a powerful and beautiful thing it is.Some people think they can handle everything on their own, as if they are islands unto themselves, but sooner or later they will run into a situation in which they must draw on strength from outside. It might be a serious health issue, a financial burden, a difficult decision that must be made, or the need to overcome a nagging sin. Pity the person who feels as if he has nowhere to turn to in those difficult times.

God has provided strength for your life not only through His own supernatural power, but also through the friends He has brought into your path. The Christian life can only properly be lived in community—walking in intimacy with the Father, and doing life together with faithful brothers and sisters in the kingdom of God.

Is there an area in your life right now in which you feel particularly weak and vulnerable? Be straight up with those that are closest to you about what's going on in your life and you'll find your strength in God and in the community that He's given to surround you. Take heart, help is on the way.Be encouraged my friends! Rebecca

----------------------------------------------------------

For some time now I have been reserved and have backed away from sharing my feelings. This past miscarriage took me by surprise and left me more hurt than I ever could have imagined. One of the most important things I've learned is that time doesn't heal all wounds, only God heals all wounds. As for me, I'm still quite wounded and weak.

I read blogs from time to time, but I believe God specifically drew me to the one I posted above. I am indeed weak, but very few people know about this weakness. I have purposely did my best to hide any sort of weakness from those around me. There's a little group of women here online that I confide in. They have heard many of my stories from the pits of depression and sorrow, yet I'm unable to share that with anyone around me other than my husband. It seems a strange concept to me that I should be opening up, when the world all expects me to be strong. In reality I'm the weakest I've ever been. My body is weak, my emotions are weak, and unfortuneatly my faith is weak. I'm doing my best to work on my spiritual health, but my best attempts and best laid plans only fall short. God alone can heal my wounded spirit.

I believe God is calling me to a deeper place with Him. I am continually broken and I know there must be a reason for this brokeness. I have decided that I will take a brief sabbatical from teaching at the end of this quarter, because I need some time for my own spiritual self. I haven't yet decided what class I'll be attending, but I need something for me. I refuse to get back into the rut of giving and giving of myself until I have nothing left.

God has placed something very specific on my heart to try. This attempt would push me very far away from my comfort zone and would force me to allow other people into my world. I am very hesitant about this and am praying for God's will to be done through me.

So as I leave you all this entry, I hope you will be blessed by the devotional from Rebecca St. James. I am leaving tomorrow morning for a brief visit with family and some vacation time alone with my husband. I hope to come back refreshed and ready to take on whatever God has for me next.

~*Melody*~

Now this is how I like my coffee !

My Bookshelf

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog
I Took The Handmade Pledge! BuyHandmade.org
The Breast Cancer Site