Please excuse the under renovations !

Friday, May 29, 2009


I need your divine direction in my life. There are so many things coming all at once at me. I know that You are in part of this, but Lord I want to be in those parts and only those parts. Help me to know what Your Will is for my life. I'm trying my best to make You my priority in these decisions. Right now Lord I feel so unsure of the way I should go. I don't like feeling like this and I know there's no confusion in You. Please help me to make the appropriate decisions and let me know that it is the right way for me.

In Jesus Name.....AMEN.


After posting my last entry, I had a personal sort of open-your-mouth-insert-foot moment. It turns out that the very thing I was talking about turned around. I've been presented with a couple of opportunities to do some actual ministry within our local church. One of them will include using my creativity to teach some summer classes to our women. I'm very excited about teaching these classes and have already began to put together the things I need for them.

The next ministry opportunity came unfortunately when some truths came to light about a former person in leadership. I have worked in this type of ministry before (please forgive my vagueness) and feel very comfortable working in it again. However, I'm very hesitant to jump back into it. I do fear that I will "get stuck" there. I'm extremely uncertain about taking on this ministry again.

I'm equally concerned about the amount of things I'm actively involved in. One of the biggest lessons I learned from my former church experience was to never take on more than you can handle. I spread myself so incredibly thin while at that other church that I was on the verge of burnout at all times. I didn't have any time for myself and my family life suffered because of that. I refuse to fall back into that trap. I know God delivered me for a reason and I can't willfully jump back into it.

There's also my personal life to consider. I've been working hard over the past few months to prepare for the summer selling season for my home business, Creative Radiance. As it is now before any new commitments, I only have a couple of free Saturdays to set up my shop. If I don't have time through the week, I won't be able to continue making things and won't be making any money. We desperately need for me to earn some income over the summer. I must consider this as well before making any decisions

Oi !

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Late Night Blogging

I haven't blogged here in the entire month of May. Part of me has been longing to share my heart, but most of me said I should guard it closely. You see over the past month, life has hit me with some incredible highs and lows. I am feeling stronger now, but there are moments when I'm overwhelmed with pure emotion.

Mother's Day came and went; another special day with empty arms. Our last child was due on Mother's Day so emotion and pain hit me hard on that day. I honestly haven't cried that much since our first couple miscarriages. I don't know what came over me, but I just let the tears flow. Many people at church noticed. I'm not sure if they all knew why I was crying, but they noticed. I received two lovely cards telling me that they were thinking about me and how I should be celebrated as well on this Day. I appreciated all the kindness and support from my church family. I also opened up a bit on my Facebook statuses. I'm amazed at how many people responded back with love, prayers and *hugs*. I never realized so many people would actually care about me enough to respond back, but they did and I am so grateful for those comments and their concern.

Shortly before Mother's Day came news about future plans for my godchildren and their parents. I can't share too much yet, because nothing is finalized yet, but there's a very high possibility that my godchildren will no longer live 15 minutes from me. It's more likely they'll live about 5 hours away. My heart breaks when I think about the distance between us. I love both of those children like my own. I have loved and cared for them their entire lives and the thoughts of not having them near have brought great sadness to me. I know that God has a plan for this family and that His ways are much higher than mine. I know that I can't be selfish and expect God to keep them near me because I love them so much. I also knew that there would probably be a day when God called them away. I know these things......but it doesn't make it hurt less.

One of those highs I spoke of above came unexpectedly for my fertility. While charting my temps, I discovered that I had indeed ovulated on cycle day 14, which is perfect in terms of a normal cycle. I could hardly believe it! Seeing those little reds lines on my chart sent such hope to me. My temps were staying high and my heart raced each day at the thoughts that I may be carrying another little one. After about a week's worth of increased breast tenderness and a few other odd symptoms, I was almost certain that I'd be announcing God's miracle working power in me in the next few weeks. Cycle day 28 came and as I took my temperature that morning I was so certain that it would be high that I almost didn't even look at it. But when I did look at it, I found it was extremely low, 96.5 to be exact. My heart sank as I realized that I wasn't pregnant and this was the signal of an impending start to a cycle. Later that day I did begin spotting. Thankfully, I was with my godchildren and their mother at a doctor's appointment when I discovered the spotting. They helped me keep my mind off of things for a while. However, later that evening those all too familiar feelings creeped back in and the deep disappointment lingered.

A few days later I was able to reflect on the past cycle though. God did bless me with a miracle; the miracle of a textbook, normal cycle. I couldn't ask for a better, more balanced cycle than the last one. I know that God sent the evening primrose oil my way for a reason. I took 3000mg for the first part of my cycle (prior to ovulation) and the results prove that it helped me. I also kept taking my 5 days of soy isoflavones and used progesterone cream the last part of my cycle. I plan to go on a soy break for 2 or 3 months and continue using EPO and NPC only.

I wish I had the time to blog about more things tonight, but I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is one of those long, tiresome days at church. I should describe them as stress filled days. I don't have the time or the energy to fully describe what's going on lately. I wish I could say that the stress derived from the overwhelming amount of good or ministry that we are doing, but sadly I can't. I am very discouraged and disappointed at the lack of actual ministry being accomplished right now, particularly through the women's ministries. Being a member of the leadership, I guess I should assume some of that responsibility. And before I say anything else that I might regret, I guess I should end this here and just ask for your prayers. I need some direction right now. I have seriously considered backing out of women's leadership for various reasons. I don't like to quit anything and find it hard to say no when asked for help, but I am learning that there are times in life when one must walk away from things. I don't know if this is one of those times or not. I'm just praying about it right now.


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