Recently I feel like God is stiring my heart again. I'm not quite sure why or towards what, but I just have that feeling. With all my soul searching that I've been doing lately, I have found that I'm not as content with where I am than I thought I was. Now this isn't to say that I'm going to pick up and move my whole life a week from tomorrow, but it is to say that thought has crossed my mind.
Personally, I'd love nothing more to get out of this area. I'd love to go have the chance to really be me. The thrill of the adventure calls out to me. But the fear of the unknown, lack of money and family keep me grounded here.
I wonder what God might be able to do with me (and my husband) if we could step out of this comfort zone that we live in. It feels that both of us have not really taken initiative in our callings. We were deeply burned out and hurt leaving our last church. When first given the opportunity in our new church to really step out, I didn't because my heart wasn't healed enough yet. Now there's no real way to step out within the church and the ministry I once felt so called to.
I question whether God is moving us in a different direction at this time. My husband and I talked about this for several hours a few nights ago. I'm not sure where to go from here or what to do. The next morning I asked him in all honesty, "Do you really think I could give up youth ministry? I mean really give it up and walk away?" He didn't really have a response. I suppose he had the same answer I did though..."I simply don't know."
Truely following after God and doing His will is so difficult sometimes. But when you think about it, it isn't really difficult to know God's will, the difficulty comes when we know our will. We naturally listen to our will before we listen to God's Will. Our will makes hearing God's true Will cloudy. Confusion is not from God, it's from self and the flesh. God is a God of order and justice. We often confuse that with the mindset "life just isn't fair to me." God never promised that life would be fair, only that He is our ultimate justice and that He never changes. My will changes, but God's doesn't change. The key to finding God's will though is often hidden in all the baggage we carry around. We cling to that baggage and often refuse to let it go.
This time of soul searching has lead me to this: It's time to let go of some baggage.