I've been having some serious thoughts about where God is leading me. It seems that as time goes on that my calling is drawing further and further from youth ministry. I've been wondering if this is God's way of taking me down a new path of ministry. I'm not sure that I'm ready to go down another path. I just don't feel strong enough yet to tread new waters.
It's a strange feeling I've had lately. I know that changes bring new feelings, thoughts and emotions, but at times I feel like a completely different person than I was this time last year. Last year at this time, I'd just finished one of the most and least successful events of my life. It was a big fall festival event, complete with kids games, a hay ride, bon fire roast and lots of stress. I'd organized and put on the whole event all by myself (and the wonderful help of my husband). It was quite an acheivement, at least to me it was. All the kids and most of the adults had thoroughly enjoyed themselves, that part was the success. But the attitudes, lack of needed support and people's utter arrogance ruined the whole day for me. I believe that's the day when my whole world fell apart. Everything changed from that day on.
But who was I then? Who am I now? I'm two completely different people. Progression has been a fading dream. Regression has been a constant fear. The song 'Dearly Loved' is playing as I'm typing this, "Do you know that you are dearly loved." Followed by the song 'East to West.' Are you trying to tell me something Lord?
Lord, I'm so tired of sitting here crying and wondering how I could come to this point in my life. How am I so damaged? I've been on damage control my entire life, but most of the time it was someone else's damage that I was dealing with. Was I the one that was tragically damaged all along? How can this damaged self rise again? How do I overcome the scars of the past? How do I overcome the scars that are self-inflicted? How, Lord, How?!?!
I want to be whole again. Again, wow, what a concept...was I ever really whole. I think back to the time when I first heard God's call on my life. I was 12 years old and it was at a girls youth group that I'd help to create and run. A teacher at my elementary school had became one of my best friends a few years earlier. She was an amazing example of what a Christian woman was supposed to look like. I will be forever endebted to her for the guidance and foundation she placed in my life. The night I heard God calling me, I really had no idea what that meant. I knew that God had something special in mind for me; something that sent my mind soaring and my heart dreaming. Yet, some 14 years later, I know what that looked like. I know that God placed me in ministry for a reason, but somehow I always thought it would be much longer. I just feel like God wouldn't have called me out so many years ago, allow me to seek Him for direction, let me serve briefly, and then just leave me hanging. Am I missing something?
A little saying came to me a couple months back and I still have it written on a piece of paper here on my desk.
Reflection doesn't start in the light. It starts in the shadows of your heart.
I'm not sure why my eyes went to that this evening. I'm not sure why God gave that to me. But I'm sure there are reasons. I'm going to go now and spend some time in prayer. It seems I have a lot of unfinished business that needs to be discussed with my Lord.