It has been WAY too warm here in NC (I'm talking about in the mid 70s). I know that some of you are thinking, "I'd give anything for it to be warm right now." It's just so incredibly strange to be wearing short sleeves in December. But I must say I am enjoying it quite a bit. Yesterday, I just couldn't believe how beautiful it was outside. My hubby and I drove up to his parents house. They live on the top of a small mountain. I took my crocheting with me and sat out on their porch absorbing the sunshine and enjoying the clean air. It was great, but extremely strange for December.
I've had such clarity over the past few days. Even though it's been almost a week since I received my 'fertility death sentence,' I feel at such peace. I don't have any idea how things are going to transpire over the next few months, but honestly I'm not super concerned about it. I'm feeling quite relieved of the burden of trying to conceive. I can only attribute this to the prayers of my family and all you friends here online.
At our last women's small group and in church that morning, God gave me a great revelation through my pastor and pastor's wife. The pastor spoke on something completely different, in fact it was a Christmas message of sorts, but he included this scripture...1 John 5:4-5 "For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is he who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?" He explained that so many of believe a common lie and we tell it to ourselves all the time....."I've always been this way, I'll always be this way" or "It's always been this way and it always will be". This scripture completely busts the bubble on these thoughts though. Jesus came to overcome the world, so that we can overcome the world. We usually think about that in terms of doing something great for God or rid ourselves of worldly behavior, but it goes so much deeper. The world, more specifically, Satan wants you to believe that you are stuck right where you are and nothing will ever change. He gets you to believe his lie and that becomes worldly thinking (in other words: thinking just like the world thinks). The key though is that OUR FAITH is the victory that overcomes the world. Our faith will push us beyond thinking things will never change. OUCH did that step on my toes !
That same night in the women's small group, our pastor's wife shared a very personal story about her own road through infertility and asked a lady there to speak specifically about her journey through having a child with cancer. We've been studying a book on women and prayer. This month's lesson was on praying for God's will. I won't go into the specifics of my pastor's wife story, but I want to focus on the story of the other lady. Her daughter was diagnosed with cancer at a very young age and came to the brink of death on at least two different occasions. During a routine chemo treatment, her mother left the hospital one night to go home to gather some clean clothes and things for their extended hospital stay. She explained that she was very upset that night and had been praying on the way home. As she was gathering the last of the clothes and about to leave, God spoke to her (in her words "in the loudest voice I'd ever heard") "Ally is going to be ok. She will come through this." She went on to tell about a time a few months later when her daughter was at death's door. Janet, the mom, began praying and her prayer was simply this, "Lord have Your will in Ally's life." To make a long story short, a few weeks later Ally had a full recovery and now some 15 or 16 years later Ally is a healthy gorgeous young woman who's just began college.
I guess you are wondering how this was beneficial to me. Besides being in a large classroom full of crying women, I was in the midst of someone in a similar situation to me. You see Janet knew what God's will was for Ally. She didn't know all the details, but she had God's promise to carry her through. She didn't know when the end would be or how God would bring her to the end of her child's suffering. But she did know there would be an end and that it would be something she could look forward to. The thing is God already gave me a promise and I know His will is for me to have a child. So I've really had my answer all along. I don't really need the details, cause I know the outcome. I've long said that I'll be glad when I can have an end to my story, but I already have an end...God will allow us to have a child (more specifically a little girl who already has a name). I know the end, just not all the in between details. I have a promise that's specifically from God and yet I've been upset and down about things. How foolish of me to not be thankful for His promises !
That night as we joined in prayer at the end of the small group, I feebly said "Lord let Your will be done in my life." It was hard at first, because I kept thinking about how serious those words were. Did I really mean it or was I just saying it ? I searched my heart some more and found out that I really did mean it, I was just scared of it. Each night that followed I prayed the same prayer and finally last Thursday arrived. I sat there in that little exam room thinking about everything. The thoughts whirling in my head ranged from thoughts of miscarriage to thoughts of playing with my little one, but in the end only one thing came to mind..."Lord let Your will be done in my life."
After I received the doctors report and words, somehow they just didn't sting as badly as they should have. I knew God's promise to me and I knew that he doesn't let you down on promises because He's more than able to make them come to pass (Romans 4:21).
My husband and I left the doctors office and we went a little further to go shopping for a while. I bought a few Christmas presents and we didn't really talk about anything specific. It was dark on the way home when we began to talk about things a little bit. At one point I fell silent because I noticed how brightly the stars were shining down on the water to my right. I felt God in that moment. I looked over at my husband and was quite surprised to see how illuminated his face was in our dark van. And then these words came from my mouth before I even had a chance to think about them, "Intervention or not, we WILL have a baby." A big smile came across his face as he looked at me and said "that's exactly what God just told me."
So really through this I've been blessed and given reassurance. God knows exactly where I am right now in His grand scheme of things. I'm in the Master's daily thoughts and He knows me well (Jeremiah 29:11). As I sit and wait for His will to be manifested in my life, I've got something concrete to hold on to and for that I will be forever thankful.
In short, I did receive a great gift already this holiday season...the gift of peace, a thankful heart and warmth to my soul. I feel joy again like I haven't felt in a long while. In the midst of a painful situation, I'm very joyous and at ease. Wow, what a God we serve !