Oh Lord You Humble Me....

I was humbled and deeply touched last night during youth group. It was a different night where the youth pastor spoke about stepping up to the plate and really doing something for God. He kept asking questions like, "are you just playing church and playing serving God or are you really doing something? "What are you doing for God?" I sat there the whole time not able to really answer the questions. I don't really know what I'm doing anymore and to me that's very humbling.

No longer do I have the blanket answer - "well I'm a youth pastor or I work in a counselor's office with disabled students." No now I only have myself and God to answer to. I can't hide behind a position of importance, I can only be me.

Over this past year and a half of changes, I believe humility is the biggest lesson I've learned. I always thought I was humble before. But I wasn't really, I just hid my pride behind my professional positions. I didn't understand that in one brief second all that could be stripped away from me and I'd just be left standing still, exposed in front of God.

Humility, like patience, is a VERY hard lesson to learn. It's proven to be one of the most painful areas of discipline for me.

~*Melody*~

BTW, I will get around to writing about the scripture I posted in the last post.

Conversations Full of Grace

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:5-6)

This was my scripture of the day today. I must come back and elaborate on this. Lately a lot of scriptures have either popped into my head for teaching or been read at church along the same lines. It must be a God-sign for me to focus on them. So I shall write about this later (today hopefully).

Still Waiting

I'm in the middle of the five day waiting game. In a few days I'll find out if the progesterone cream is actually going to work or if I'll have to revert to taking Provera, a synthetic progestin that has some major side effects. I'm hoping and praying that the progesterone cream works to its fullest potential this time.

So far I've completely lost my baby bump. I'm estimating that I've lost around 5-8 pounds worth of pure fluid. It's great knowing that I'm able to loose some weight now. I have been planning on aggressively trying to loose weight, but so far my efforts have been short lived. I can't seem to find the utter motivation just to go walk around the track a few days a week. I have no excuse, except yesterday and today. Yesterday I had a horrible mixture of allergies and a toothache and today it rained almost all day. I know that loosing weight, even 5-10 lbs, could help jumpstart my system again, yet why do I find it so hard to actually just go for it?

I don't know what gets into me sometimes. I know what I want, yet I sit back and don't really go for it. I could be talking about several other of those transitional things in my life there too. But that's for another entry entirely.

Goodnight.....at 3AM!

Turning Around

Things are beginning to turn around for me. I'm feeling a lot better and have gotten over the initial coping stage of my loss. It always takes so time to be able to look at the other side of things. Adrian and I had a good teary chat yesterday that helped me a lot. It's amazing to have someone to talk to.

My water broke on Saturday morning. Thankfully I was at home and near my master bathroom. I had a ton of fluid and was still leaking some up until Monday morning. I've been feeling my cervix dilate off and on, but have yet to pass anything from my uterus. I have one more day of the progesterone cream, so it may be another 5 days before I see any results. Hopefully everything will pass as quickly as possible so I can get on with the next cycle. On day 3-7 of my next cycle I'll be taking 40 mg of Soy Isoflavones to help induce proper ovulation. If I ovulate properly I'll be able to avoid another molar pregnancy.

I have also gotten back on my vitamin and supplements regimen that I was on before. I'm already feeling stronger. The pregnancy cravings are slowly tapering off, but I still feel some of the effects of the weird hormones, especially when I'm around a baby.

Overall things are looking up again. I can't wait to get started on my next cycle so we can begin trying for our miracle baby. I'm not giving up for 2008 yet.

~*Melody*~

Difficult Times

We received some news last week that threw me for a bit of a loop. I found out that I am between 14 and 15 weeks pregnant. However, this is a molar pregnancy and there's actually no baby forming in my uterus. My body simply thinks it's pregnant and is only adding fluid daily and nourishing an empty sack.

Apparently this is a side effect of using the fertility drug Clomid. I have experienced so many negative side effects from that particular drug. I will NEVER again take pharmaceutical fertility enhancers. I have learned my lesson; albeit the hard way.

This type of pregnancy can be because of a genetic trait that I inherited. I learned this week that my maternal great grandmother had a pregnancy like this. She went on to deliver several healthy children after that pregnancy, for a total of 8 complete healthy births.

I am not required to have a D&C because it was a complete molar pregnancy (meaning there was no form of an infant in my uterus). Once the progesterone cream initiates my next cycle, I will go through a type of false labor to get rid of the bag of fluids and tiny placenta that's there.

Thankfully, we have not lost another child. It is very difficult to look down at my baby bump and know that there's not a baby in there to connect to. I suppose I should mourn this 'loss' in its own special way. But I suppose it is really simply a loss of hopes and dreams for baby #10.

Here's to the real baby #10....hopefully a healthy baby girl that I've 'seen' so many times before.... Baby bumps and blessings to you my sweet.....

~*Melody*~

Sample Mobile Posting

I discovered a way to post directly to my blog from my cell phone tonight. This entry is just a sample to see if it actually works. I'm excited at the possibility of being able to blog anywhere I can get cell phone reception. Although I may have to go back later and do some spellchecking. LOL. Ok that's enough for a sample entry.

~*Melody*~

Computer Edit: Apparently apostrophies don't work very well when translating from my phone to Blogger. So from now on I know to use a period instead. It won't be exactly right, but it will look better than a bunch of computer jargon.

Church Transitions

Today was a hard day at church. Our pastor and wife have moved on to another church. It was time in their ministry to transition away from our church. It's hard to see them go, but I know that if anyone knows the will of God it's Pastor Pat. I know that he must follow after this great God that we serve. But parting is always so bittersweet.

If you read this blog and are a praying person, I would appreciate if you add my church to your prayer list. It seems that the transition will be smooth, but I'm sure that there will be some snags along the way. Change is the only constant thing in life, but that doesn't mean that it hurts any less.

Another change at church is happening in our small group ministries. Really this is the beginning of small groups/home groups. As of right now I'll only be involved with the youth small groups, but I might possibly be involved with a group eventually. It's a change that is welcomed by some, but feared by a lot. I'm not sure how I feel about such a change to the adult ministry, but I more than welcome the change to the youth ministry. I feel like this will be a prime opportunity to practically invest in the spiritual lives of these teens on a more one on one basis.

I've also been asked to teach Sunday School for the teenagers more often. However, my women's class was just accepted and I'll be beginning teaching that at the first of May. I'm ecstatic over the teaching opportunities that have been presented to me. I know this is God's way of showing me that I do have a specific purpose here at this church and at this time in my life. I am most grateful for the feeling of importance this brings to my life.

My last thing has nothing to do with church transitions (well maybe a little). I have a very important doctor's appointment tomorrow. I desire as many prayers as I can possibly get. The appointment is extremely necessary, but it's not one that I'm looking forward to. The nervousness and anxieties surrounding this appointment are immense. I'm praying for good news, but keeping in mind that I may need to prepare myself for the worst. It's a case of not being able to let it go and give it fully to God. I admit that fault. I recognize the need to let it go, yet as hard as I try, I just haven't been able to so far.

There's only a few more hours Lord. Please help me to turn loose of this overwhelming fear I have toward this appointment. I want to give it to you, but I don't know how. Lord, please show me how and take these feelings away from me. I know that it is all in Your Almighty Hands. Please help me to leave it there.

~*Melody*~

The Scripture I've Been Praying Over My Life Lately:

Psalm 86 (NIV)

1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.

2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. 3 Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long.

4 Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.

6 Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy.

7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.

8 Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours.

9 All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name.

10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.

13 For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. [a]

14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life— men without regard for you.

15 But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

16 Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant.

17 Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.