The following was delivered to my bulletins box on MySpace today. It's a little blog/devotional type thing from Rebecca St. James. I just found this really inspiring and thought I'd share it with the rest of you.........
REBECCA’S MESSAGE: “HIDE & SEEK!”
I was reading a book this morning by one of my fave authors, Henri Nouwen, and I came across a quote that really resonated with me. I hope it touches a chord with you as well and encourages your heart today..
"I am beginning now to see how radically the character of my spiritual journey will change when I no longer think of God as hiding out and making it as difficult as possible for me to find him, but, instead, as the one who is looking for me while I am doing the hiding...Wouldn't it be wonderful to make God smile by giving God the chance to find me and love me lavishly?"
After reading this I had a picture of God playfully standing at every corner of my life calling out 'Rebecca, Rebecca..' leading me out of my hiding places. It was a picture of how much he loves me and how through nature and people and experiences and worship and service He is calling me into a deeper love relationship with Him.
Look for him calling your name today, my friends! He wants to find you and love you lavishly..
Rebecca
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Thoughts
I've been having some serious thoughts about where God is leading me. It seems that as time goes on that my calling is drawing further and further from youth ministry. I've been wondering if this is God's way of taking me down a new path of ministry. I'm not sure that I'm ready to go down another path. I just don't feel strong enough yet to tread new waters.
It's a strange feeling I've had lately. I know that changes bring new feelings, thoughts and emotions, but at times I feel like a completely different person than I was this time last year. Last year at this time, I'd just finished one of the most and least successful events of my life. It was a big fall festival event, complete with kids games, a hay ride, bon fire roast and lots of stress. I'd organized and put on the whole event all by myself (and the wonderful help of my husband). It was quite an acheivement, at least to me it was. All the kids and most of the adults had thoroughly enjoyed themselves, that part was the success. But the attitudes, lack of needed support and people's utter arrogance ruined the whole day for me. I believe that's the day when my whole world fell apart. Everything changed from that day on.
But who was I then? Who am I now? I'm two completely different people. Progression has been a fading dream. Regression has been a constant fear. The song 'Dearly Loved' is playing as I'm typing this, "Do you know that you are dearly loved." Followed by the song 'East to West.' Are you trying to tell me something Lord?
Lord, I'm so tired of sitting here crying and wondering how I could come to this point in my life. How am I so damaged? I've been on damage control my entire life, but most of the time it was someone else's damage that I was dealing with. Was I the one that was tragically damaged all along? How can this damaged self rise again? How do I overcome the scars of the past? How do I overcome the scars that are self-inflicted? How, Lord, How?!?!
I want to be whole again. Again, wow, what a concept...was I ever really whole. I think back to the time when I first heard God's call on my life. I was 12 years old and it was at a girls youth group that I'd help to create and run. A teacher at my elementary school had became one of my best friends a few years earlier. She was an amazing example of what a Christian woman was supposed to look like. I will be forever endebted to her for the guidance and foundation she placed in my life. The night I heard God calling me, I really had no idea what that meant. I knew that God had something special in mind for me; something that sent my mind soaring and my heart dreaming. Yet, some 14 years later, I know what that looked like. I know that God placed me in ministry for a reason, but somehow I always thought it would be much longer. I just feel like God wouldn't have called me out so many years ago, allow me to seek Him for direction, let me serve briefly, and then just leave me hanging. Am I missing something?
A little saying came to me a couple months back and I still have it written on a piece of paper here on my desk.
Reflection doesn't start in the light. It starts in the shadows of your heart.
I'm not sure why my eyes went to that this evening. I'm not sure why God gave that to me. But I'm sure there are reasons. I'm going to go now and spend some time in prayer. It seems I have a lot of unfinished business that needs to be discussed with my Lord.
It's a strange feeling I've had lately. I know that changes bring new feelings, thoughts and emotions, but at times I feel like a completely different person than I was this time last year. Last year at this time, I'd just finished one of the most and least successful events of my life. It was a big fall festival event, complete with kids games, a hay ride, bon fire roast and lots of stress. I'd organized and put on the whole event all by myself (and the wonderful help of my husband). It was quite an acheivement, at least to me it was. All the kids and most of the adults had thoroughly enjoyed themselves, that part was the success. But the attitudes, lack of needed support and people's utter arrogance ruined the whole day for me. I believe that's the day when my whole world fell apart. Everything changed from that day on.
But who was I then? Who am I now? I'm two completely different people. Progression has been a fading dream. Regression has been a constant fear. The song 'Dearly Loved' is playing as I'm typing this, "Do you know that you are dearly loved." Followed by the song 'East to West.' Are you trying to tell me something Lord?
Lord, I'm so tired of sitting here crying and wondering how I could come to this point in my life. How am I so damaged? I've been on damage control my entire life, but most of the time it was someone else's damage that I was dealing with. Was I the one that was tragically damaged all along? How can this damaged self rise again? How do I overcome the scars of the past? How do I overcome the scars that are self-inflicted? How, Lord, How?!?!
I want to be whole again. Again, wow, what a concept...was I ever really whole. I think back to the time when I first heard God's call on my life. I was 12 years old and it was at a girls youth group that I'd help to create and run. A teacher at my elementary school had became one of my best friends a few years earlier. She was an amazing example of what a Christian woman was supposed to look like. I will be forever endebted to her for the guidance and foundation she placed in my life. The night I heard God calling me, I really had no idea what that meant. I knew that God had something special in mind for me; something that sent my mind soaring and my heart dreaming. Yet, some 14 years later, I know what that looked like. I know that God placed me in ministry for a reason, but somehow I always thought it would be much longer. I just feel like God wouldn't have called me out so many years ago, allow me to seek Him for direction, let me serve briefly, and then just leave me hanging. Am I missing something?
A little saying came to me a couple months back and I still have it written on a piece of paper here on my desk.
Reflection doesn't start in the light. It starts in the shadows of your heart.
I'm not sure why my eyes went to that this evening. I'm not sure why God gave that to me. But I'm sure there are reasons. I'm going to go now and spend some time in prayer. It seems I have a lot of unfinished business that needs to be discussed with my Lord.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
A New Adventure
Lately I've decided to take a new adventure. My creative side has always been very important to me. Over the years I've made a little bit of everything, from dollhouses to quilts. I've always felt so free and in my element when I'm letting my creativity flow.
A few months ago, I came across Etsy.com and suddenly fell in love with the idea of selling my own handmade items. After thinking about it and praying for a while, I decided to go ahead and give it a shot.
My first endeavor was painting the outside of an art journal. Honestly, I hadn't had a blank canvas and a palette filled with paints in front of me in many years. But after getting over my initial fears of 'messing up' the canvas, I was soaring high, completely liberated. There was no plan in my mind of where the painting would go. Allowing my brush to lead the way, I was instantly transported somewhere else for just a bit. I was completely carefree to do whatever I wished; without fears.
Could it be that God gave me creativity to overcome the perfectionist; the overachiever; the one who wants control? Could God be calling me to transition from being held down to being truely free? Can I really radiate creativity instead of failure? May this mindset be my 'healing' from the pains of the past and uncompleted work?
I believe I may be transitioning into a time of renewal.
http://creativeradiance.etsy.com
A few months ago, I came across Etsy.com and suddenly fell in love with the idea of selling my own handmade items. After thinking about it and praying for a while, I decided to go ahead and give it a shot.
My first endeavor was painting the outside of an art journal. Honestly, I hadn't had a blank canvas and a palette filled with paints in front of me in many years. But after getting over my initial fears of 'messing up' the canvas, I was soaring high, completely liberated. There was no plan in my mind of where the painting would go. Allowing my brush to lead the way, I was instantly transported somewhere else for just a bit. I was completely carefree to do whatever I wished; without fears.
Could it be that God gave me creativity to overcome the perfectionist; the overachiever; the one who wants control? Could God be calling me to transition from being held down to being truely free? Can I really radiate creativity instead of failure? May this mindset be my 'healing' from the pains of the past and uncompleted work?
I believe I may be transitioning into a time of renewal.
http://creativeradiance.etsy.com
Monday, October 8, 2007
Transitions of Ministry
I hinted at a few more transitions in my last entry. I have a lot more going on in life than just trying to have a baby, but most of the time it appears to be the most consuming thing.
Over the past 8 or 9 months, I have been through so many new things. I'm excited about many of these new things, but some of the transitions have been rough. I'll try to focus on just one of those transitions today: ministry.
Ministry in a word looks very simple; a three syllable word, yet it contains more depth than any book could hold. Yes my very life has revolved around ministry since shortly after I was married. Ministry, more specifically, youth ministry has changed me, moved me, and projected me into a life that I never thought possible, yet that very life was a dream come true. God has blessed me with an amazing husband who has supported, encouraged and assisted me through some of the craziest times of our lives. I can think back to the many blunders. But it's those moments of sheer joy that I'll always treasure; delicate moments, breakthrough moments, and breakdown moments.
However, when my husband and I heard God's call to leave our church everything that had become the familiar in ministry changed forever. I was no longer the youth pastor of this small group of teens. I was no longer in direct responsibility of or in connection with their individual lives. Ultimately I felt no longer needed. Ministry took new meaning for me; a meaning that I wasn't quite prepared for.
Today 9 months later, I sit in front of my computer just outside my living room. I'm able to have time to sit and write about my feelings. I'm able to come home and make my husband dinner every afternoon. On weekends, my house isn't filled with teenagers nor am I gracing the dance floor at a school dance. My life is drasticly different now. Sometimes those differences are very rewarding, but often times it's only a painful reminder that my life has transitioned to something much different than I had dreamed.
We left our former church in pain. Many things had transpired through the years that had not been properly dealt with; a proverbial sweeping under the rug, if you may. The trials and storms surrounding the church and it's people had been overwhelming for years. I had prayed many times for God to move us out of the situation. I guess I prayed more specifically for God to move in our situation, no matter what the cost. I hadn't guessed that the cost would be a personal cost to me. I hadn't guessed that my life would be so drastically different. And I hadn't guessed that the change would hurt so much. The change did hurt, but the transition continues to hurt.
Remember, I, by definition, am an overachiever. Picking up, packing up, and leaving without looking back was my entire agenda at that point in time. Sure I had to say goodbye properly to 'my kids' and I gave them the full explanation of why we were leaving. But this kind of leaving made me feel like I'd left work undone; unfinished for the rest of my life. Talk about being a failure; yes, that is exactly what I felt like; a failure, with a capital F.
I know that I didn't fail in the task that God had given me. There were some amazing times with this group. We saw God move in miraculous ways. Those teens saw our hearts and understood that we loved them and wanted nothing but God's best for them. I know all those things in my heart. I believe that we had completed our part of that mission. Yet, deep down, I've since wondered if there were other things that I should have done.
Call it what you may, I call it my tragic flaw. I always want to do more; to be more; to live more. That's my life as an overachiever.
BTW: I have transitioned into a new ministry. I'm still working in youth ministry, just in a completely different capacity, with a completely different group. I'm not quite sure how to define it, as I'm still transitioning into it. When I figure it out, I'll let you know. ;-)
Over the past 8 or 9 months, I have been through so many new things. I'm excited about many of these new things, but some of the transitions have been rough. I'll try to focus on just one of those transitions today: ministry.
Ministry in a word looks very simple; a three syllable word, yet it contains more depth than any book could hold. Yes my very life has revolved around ministry since shortly after I was married. Ministry, more specifically, youth ministry has changed me, moved me, and projected me into a life that I never thought possible, yet that very life was a dream come true. God has blessed me with an amazing husband who has supported, encouraged and assisted me through some of the craziest times of our lives. I can think back to the many blunders. But it's those moments of sheer joy that I'll always treasure; delicate moments, breakthrough moments, and breakdown moments.
However, when my husband and I heard God's call to leave our church everything that had become the familiar in ministry changed forever. I was no longer the youth pastor of this small group of teens. I was no longer in direct responsibility of or in connection with their individual lives. Ultimately I felt no longer needed. Ministry took new meaning for me; a meaning that I wasn't quite prepared for.
Today 9 months later, I sit in front of my computer just outside my living room. I'm able to have time to sit and write about my feelings. I'm able to come home and make my husband dinner every afternoon. On weekends, my house isn't filled with teenagers nor am I gracing the dance floor at a school dance. My life is drasticly different now. Sometimes those differences are very rewarding, but often times it's only a painful reminder that my life has transitioned to something much different than I had dreamed.
We left our former church in pain. Many things had transpired through the years that had not been properly dealt with; a proverbial sweeping under the rug, if you may. The trials and storms surrounding the church and it's people had been overwhelming for years. I had prayed many times for God to move us out of the situation. I guess I prayed more specifically for God to move in our situation, no matter what the cost. I hadn't guessed that the cost would be a personal cost to me. I hadn't guessed that my life would be so drastically different. And I hadn't guessed that the change would hurt so much. The change did hurt, but the transition continues to hurt.
Remember, I, by definition, am an overachiever. Picking up, packing up, and leaving without looking back was my entire agenda at that point in time. Sure I had to say goodbye properly to 'my kids' and I gave them the full explanation of why we were leaving. But this kind of leaving made me feel like I'd left work undone; unfinished for the rest of my life. Talk about being a failure; yes, that is exactly what I felt like; a failure, with a capital F.
I know that I didn't fail in the task that God had given me. There were some amazing times with this group. We saw God move in miraculous ways. Those teens saw our hearts and understood that we loved them and wanted nothing but God's best for them. I know all those things in my heart. I believe that we had completed our part of that mission. Yet, deep down, I've since wondered if there were other things that I should have done.
Call it what you may, I call it my tragic flaw. I always want to do more; to be more; to live more. That's my life as an overachiever.
BTW: I have transitioned into a new ministry. I'm still working in youth ministry, just in a completely different capacity, with a completely different group. I'm not quite sure how to define it, as I'm still transitioning into it. When I figure it out, I'll let you know. ;-)
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Transitions of an Overachiever
I, by definition, am an overachiever. My whole life has revolved around my achievements, or currently my lack thereof. I'm not quite sure how I adopted this mindset, habit, personality trait, whatever you wanna call it. Overachieving is my strongest and my weakest trait.
Some people may label me as a perfectionist as well. Personally, I know better. I'm a random perfectionist. I'm much more specific than generic. If I'm passionate about something I will be a complete perfectionist. On the other hand, if something interests me little or becomes a boring laborious task, I might be a complete slob with it. Hence, the description of myself; random perfectionist.
The life of an overachiever has many ups and downs. For me, anything less than a super achievement is a failure. The feeling of failure is the biggest struggle of my life, no matter what it is in reference to. I hope that one day I can overcome my insatiable failure reflex.
So that's a bit of who I am. I would love to be able to tell my story and share my adventures with you. For now, I'll share what I'm currently going through. My husband and I are trying to have a baby. We've lost 6 pregnancies over the past 7 years of marriage (8 years in September). After not getting pregnant in over a year and much prayer, we decided that it was time to begin fertility treatments. Our doctor has given us some encouragement and reassured us that my next pregnancy will be much healthier due to be monitored heavily and with the help of the fertility medicines. While the encouragement does help, I'm still very apprehensive about future pregnancies. But I serve a God who is more than capable of helping us delivery a beautiful healthy child. It is God who we rely on for strength and guidance, through His help alone will we achieve a successful pregnancy.
I have completed two cycles of the fertility treatments. I am currently in the dreaded waiting period. I have one more cycle before we'll have to try another fertility treatment. As each day passes (so slowly at times), I am one day closer to finding out if my life will change forever or stay the same. This is one transition that I'm looking forward to .
Other transitions...not so much...
Some people may label me as a perfectionist as well. Personally, I know better. I'm a random perfectionist. I'm much more specific than generic. If I'm passionate about something I will be a complete perfectionist. On the other hand, if something interests me little or becomes a boring laborious task, I might be a complete slob with it. Hence, the description of myself; random perfectionist.
The life of an overachiever has many ups and downs. For me, anything less than a super achievement is a failure. The feeling of failure is the biggest struggle of my life, no matter what it is in reference to. I hope that one day I can overcome my insatiable failure reflex.
So that's a bit of who I am. I would love to be able to tell my story and share my adventures with you. For now, I'll share what I'm currently going through. My husband and I are trying to have a baby. We've lost 6 pregnancies over the past 7 years of marriage (8 years in September). After not getting pregnant in over a year and much prayer, we decided that it was time to begin fertility treatments. Our doctor has given us some encouragement and reassured us that my next pregnancy will be much healthier due to be monitored heavily and with the help of the fertility medicines. While the encouragement does help, I'm still very apprehensive about future pregnancies. But I serve a God who is more than capable of helping us delivery a beautiful healthy child. It is God who we rely on for strength and guidance, through His help alone will we achieve a successful pregnancy.
I have completed two cycles of the fertility treatments. I am currently in the dreaded waiting period. I have one more cycle before we'll have to try another fertility treatment. As each day passes (so slowly at times), I am one day closer to finding out if my life will change forever or stay the same. This is one transition that I'm looking forward to .
Other transitions...not so much...
Life Changes
Recently life has thrown some major changes my way. I've been pushed and pulled from all I've ever known into a new world that leaves me feeling misplaced. I know that this is the path where God has placed me. I must be obedient to this call as I search for my place again.
My life involves so many variables at the moment; variables that are difficult, at best, to explain. Bare with me as we explore each of these variables together.
My life involves so many variables at the moment; variables that are difficult, at best, to explain. Bare with me as we explore each of these variables together.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Brief Introduction
I'm a Christian woman in her mid-20's. I'm very serious about my faith and my relationship with God. I enjoy spending time on online keeping in touch with friends and family. My husband and I are very busy working in the ministry. We are both ministers. We enjoy working with youth and seeing them grow into spiritual mature Christians. Currently we are seeking God's direction for a new church/ministry. We are resting in God's prescence at a wonderful church. Resting in God is wonderful and I will enjoy it as long as the Lord wills, but I am eagerly awaiting the journey God is preparing us for.
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