Transitions....

Some transitions are easier than others. The one I'm about to describe is not one of the easy ones. It's through transitions like these that I reflect back on these words penned by Ralph Waldo Emerson...

"Not in his goals but in his transitions is man great."

And so as I pen my own words, my heart is heavy. I have felt this tug for a few months and have made every excuse for it. But no longer can I push this tugging aside. What is the tug, you ask? I even dread writing these words. It hurts to even contemplate that I'm going to write the words I know I need to.

It is time I said goodbye; goodbye to youth ministry.

I'm now sure that God is pulling me away. Today I sat and spoke with another youth leader who's been having some questions of their own. Talking with that person solidified the feelings I've been having. My husband and I have spoke about it. He's expressed a desire to let go, but I haven't been able to let go. I don't want to let go, but I feel I must.

There's so many questions on my heart and so many unknowns at this point. My heart literally trembles inside of me as I contemplate the hows of this transition. How do I leave when I know that I don't want to? I know God called me into this so many years ago, yet why am I being called away now? These are the questions I have for God and no human answer will do. I desire to hear from God directly. As scripture says, I will seek God with all my heart and soul and I will find Him (Deut. 4:29).

With a heavy heart, I write these words tonight not knowing the purpose of this calling to what seems like nothingness. But as the quote implied above, maybe this isn't nothingness, but maybe this is the great part of the journey.

One can only hope.

~*Melody*~

BTW, my thankfulness post is still on the way. I'm still working on my wording. It's really important that I get this one right.

Success !

I have finally succeeded in making bread with yeast. Thanks to the recipe and detailed instructions from The Pioneer Woman. I am so pleased with these tasty creations. Sure they aren't all uniform in shape and size, but goodness they taste AMAZING ! I can hardly believe that something so good came from these two hands of mine. This made all the hard work of today worth it. Actually I'm posting this at almost 3am. I have been cleaning and baking all day. Ok the whole truth, yes there was definitely some knitting in there too.

My wonderful husband came home from work and cleaned our master bathroom....without me asking or even knowing !!!! I was so caught up in other things around the house that he had it all cleaned before I even knew it. I was so shocked and thankful all at the same time. Briefly I was overcome with emotion, a sort of pride rose up within me (that kind of pride reserved for your husband) and then that overwhelming love one can't begin to explain. I have been so greatly blessed with such a loving and caring husband. He was so tired from working, yet he put that tiredness aside to help me. Sure my husband isn't the most romantic man, but my how generous and thoughtful. He loves me so purely that sometimes it feels like a dream; a dream I shouldn't be a part of. I'm so very thankful that God gave this wonderful man to me.

I haven't forgotten about my thankfulness post. It's been on my mind all day, so much so that I almost dropped everything to go sit at the local coffee shop and write. I probably should have done that, but household obligations held me back. I'm starting the entry in the morning, but I'm thinking about publishing it on Thanksgiving.

Tonight as I was thinking and pondering on various things, a decent book title came to my mind. For those that don't know, I do plan on writing a book at the end of our infertility battle; whatever God chooses to happen will be in those pages. It may never be published, but it will still be written. This recent NaNo challenge that many have participated in has really encouraged and inspired me to spread my writing wings. As a child, I often dreamed about being a writer or an exciting journalist. I've always been drawn to a pen and paper/keyboard. Somehow I lost that urge to chase writing dreams along the way. I'm sure it had something to do with losing confidence in myself, but we won't go there tonight.

Sorry this has been so random. I'll blame it on the time
;-) It's now just about to turn 3am. I am scheduled to go to Murphy with my mom for a quick errand at 10am. And then the rest of my day will be spent cooking, cleaning and preparing my home for a day of visitors. I truely enjoy having dinner guests and wish I could have more dinners and parties in my home. One day I'll live in a place that will better accommodate that and I'll have ladies and children over often. I desire nothing more than to use the skills God has given me to bless others. Charity does begin at home...often from more humble beginnings, as God continues to teach me.

Preparations for Thanksgiving

We all have so much to be thankful for, but I often get lost in the whole preparations of Thanksgiving that I forget to be thankful. So this year I'm going to take some time out to blog about things I'm really thankful for. I plan to do that early Wednesday morning as I'm waking up and drinking my apple cider.

This is the verse that randomly appeared on my blog today...it's so fitting....
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” (Colossians 2:6-7)

It's been so rainy and dreary here today that I've wanted nothing more than to curl up under some covers and just listen to the rain. But I've fought off the urge by sitting here in the living room next to Lola (my cockateil). We've been either watching videos at iTunes or YouTube all day while I've been knitting. LOL, she loves to watch things on my laptop. I have royally spoiled her. If I could I would teach her to knit with me so I'd have a knitting partner. She does share my love of yarn afterall.

Ok I'm off to get ready for a little Thanksgiving play that my god daughter Genna is staring in tonight. I'm videoing it so I may have a little snippet to share soon.

Blessings,
~*Melody*~

Seeing God's Glory

Last night as I soaked in the tub, I said a little prayer before I picked up my bible study book. I don't remember everything I prayed for but I do remember asking God to let His glory shine through me and allowing the words of my mouth to reflect Him. At church today the pastor preached on how to see God's glory. On several points he mentioned that God has revealed to him how His glory was confined and could be shared. At first I really didn't understand where the pastor was going with this. I was also holding my godson who had repeated seizures that I had to tend to, so my mind wasn't always fully on the service. I wouldn't change that though because I love spending time just loving on Noah.

Anywho, so at the end of the service the pastor finally shows us exactly what he's talking about. In front of the church was a large mirror that had been covered up the entire service. He had a couple men to come forward to stand in front of the mirror and two on the sides. The two on the sides unveiled the mirror as the pastor asked the first man to walk up to the mirror. (It was tilted so only a person directly in front of the mirror could see a reflection.) So as the first man glanced at his physical reflection, the pastor explained that in that mirror reflected back was the very glory of God. God is glorified through His children. The pastor called random people to see the mirror, each time saying something specific to that person about themselves.

And then, he came over near me, called me out and stretched his hand to lead me to the mirror. It was a moment that is very difficult to explain. I stood there expecting to see only me. But I didn't really see me when I looked at that mirror, I saw light and JOY. Yes I saw joy inside of me. I could barely believe my eyes and tears started welling up in my eyes. The pastor was saying to me that he saw such beauty in that mirror. He was talking about how God was showing His beauty through me. But the beauty he was refering to wasn't a vain type of beauty. I started praising God and I was literally shaking from God's very presence there at that mirror. It's something I won't forget anytime soon for sure.

But it's not the feeling that I find so amazing, it's that God answered my simple prayer from the night before. All this time I've been praying that God would bless us with a child so that I could truly show others God's glory in my life. But I think I've been missing that mark. God's glory has been with me all along, shining through me and reflecting Him. That thrills my soul beyond measure. I desire nothing more than to honor and bring glory to His Holy Name. What a wonderful gift that God gave me this morning.

~*Melody*~

11-15-08 Journal from the Tub

I often journal while soaking in the tub. Tonight I thought about making some of these little writings available at my blog. So enjoy....

11-15-08 Lounging in the Tub

Ah, yes lounging in the tub with a good book, pen, paper, highlighter and a nice warm cup of apple cider. 'Tis a wonderful life at the moment ! There's just nothing quite like a nice hot bubble bath to cure what ails you. I'm very thankful for times like these when I'm allowed to let all the troubles, cares and worries of this life drift off into a sea of nothingness. Yes, 'tis grand. Praise be to the Lord !

~*Melody*~

I've Been Awarded and Tagged....

So the lovely Korey and Heather have both sent me a blog award. This is the first blog award I've ever received. I'd like to thank them for their thoughtfullness and generosity. So in keeping with the award tradition I'll do my best to pass it along to as many as I can think of.

This award acknowledges the values that every blogger shows in his/her effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values every day.

The rules are:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog along with a link to the person who has awarded you.

2. Pass the award on to 15 other blogs that are worthy of this acknowledgment. Remember to contact each of them to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Here are the blogs I picked (so far....I may edit more tomorrow)

1. Jenn @ Knee-Deep In Munchkin Land

2.Christina @ Growing Little Women

3. Stephanie @ Here's Looking at You Kid and Ministry in Montreal

4.Donna @ Simply Me

5. Lauren @ Fizleglitz

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Stephanie has tagged me to write 7 random things about myself.

1. I've recently had a craving for Bacon Bits...the fake soy kind. Definately weird, don't ya think?

2. I haven't had satelite or cable for a couple months now. So I spend my days searching YouTube and the net for knitting and craft shows. When I'm tired of doing that I listen to messages from Redemption World Outreach Center and have church in my living room.

3. (Some of you know this) I HATE clowns or anything with a creepy face. Clowns actually make me sick at my stomach. So please NEVER send me or buy me anything clown related. Our pastor's wife likes to dress up as a clown and I can't even enter the church when she's dressed as one.

4. I often buy a random present for someone throughout the year in anticipation of their birthday or the holidays and totally forget it when that time rolls around. (I'm getting better at this thanks to leaving myself notes on my cell phone to remind me with an alarm a few days before the date to give the gift.)

5. I have more clean clothes in hampers than in my closet. Sadly this is a pretty consistent thing.

6. Oi Vey is one of my favorite phrases.

7. Sometimes the amount of useless information in my head overwhelms me.





So now it's your turn to play along! If I tag, here are the rules you must follow:

1. Link to your tagger (that's me) and list these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.

4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.



I'm tagging ...
Ok so I'm horrible at this tagging thing. So I'm going to just pick some random ones and if you haven't filled this out yet you are also considered tagged. Just be sure to let me know if you fill this out. I'm curious to read your answers.

1. Stef
2. Erika
3. Cynthia
4. Korey
5. Heather
6. Christina
7. Lauren

Good News...Bullet Style

Good news in bullet style.

• Yes Monday was 'our day'. My temps have remained high and I got a clear line at FertilityFriend.com signaling a positive ovulation. Now I'm in that two week wait.

• Shopping with mom today went great. I didn't buy a lot, but I got new shoes and yummy new yarn.

• I figured out that my life does have some sort of purpose after chatting with a random stranger for around 30 minutes in a bookstore. What did I say, you ask? *shrugs* I'm not exactly sure, but I left that conversation knowing that God has used me to speak something to that lady. It was a very encouraging conversation for both parties.

• Random acts of kindness are really good for the soul. I gave two unsuspecting strangers 50% off coupons at Michael's craft store tonight. I could almost hear their internal "Hallelujahs". Hehehe that felt good and I'm very glad I didn't think about it and just did it.

• I'm now off to bed to rest my tired and achy feet. But it's a good kind of tired, like an accomplished sort of tired.

Blessings.....

So Far So Good

Just a little TTC update...

So far I've completed the first little bit of my cycle and took my soy for the days 3-7. By looking at my temps, it appears that I ovulated on Monday, but I won't know for certain until Thursday. So it appears that we have a chance at conception this cycle. I'm praying that God does bless our efforts and gives us that little one we've been waiting so long on. Just think of what a wonderful gift it would be to find out around Thanksgiving that our lives would have an added blessing the next year. The possiblity makes me so hopeful. I can't tell you what it would mean to me to be able to share with our family at Christmastime that we were expecting. 'Tis is only a dream for now....but it could happen if only God would allow it.

He's Here !!!

Well today Adrian had her beautiful baby boy, that I'm sure to be sharing pictures of very soon. I was amazed at how little I thought of my own feelings when I saw him. I just had this newfound love for him that I never thought would be so immediate. It's simply amazing. I thank God for helping me to not loose my cool and composure. I can't wait to spend more time with him and Adrian tomorrow.

So I'm off to go relax and reflect for a while.

Blessings all and thanks for your prayers.....
~*Melody*~

A Day of Change

Today many things and attitudes around our nation have began to change. I'm not going to be speaking about anything political other than to mention that I recognize change/change to come.

A few hours ago I learned that my dear cousin Adrian is in the beginning stages of labor. She is about to bring a new little boy into this world. My heart is overflowing at the opportunity to see a new life enter this world. I'm so anxious its not even funny. I went into that frantic mode for a bit and now I'm more mellowed out, which is definitely a good thing for all of us.

Deep down inside I know this new arrival will hold some bittersweetness for me. As much as I want to deny that fact, I simply can't. I will see that little boy and think about my own children who have passed on. I know I will and I know the tears will flow. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I may have to excuse myself to have a moment of sorrow all to myself in a bathroom or empty waiting room somewhere. It will be ok and I'll overcome it. "This too shall pass..."

I'm looking forward to meeting this little guy and finding out his name FINALLY! I want to embrace him and breathe in that sweet smell of freshness that only babies have. To gaze into those little eyes and see pure innocence. Ahh....it will be a splendid time for sure.

Blessing...
~*Melody*~

ACV (Apple Cider Vinegar)

I should have posted this information in my past entry about apple cider vinegar. My step-father introduced me to it. He informed me that many people 'way back when' used this remedy to help them achieve a healthy pregnancy. I'd heard about it many times before on different boards and things, but didn't give it much thought. However, when I researched it I found that there are countless benefits of using ACV. Here's a link to a very thorough website. http://www.earthclinic.com/Remedies/acvinegar.html

Specifically I'm taking ACV to lower my blood sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol. In doing so I should also see a few pounds drop. As well, ACV is supposed to clean out your system, purify your blood and level out all your ph levels. All of those things combined will help my fertility.

Currently I'm taking 2 teaspoons twice a day diluted in some hot apple cider and a drop of honey. I tried taking it in water and I absolutely couldn't stand the smell or the taste. I can't taste it in the hot apple cider so that works for me right now. Also it's important to note that the unfiltered unpasteurized organic apple cider is the only one that is beneficial to your health, because it's the only one that contains the 'mother of vinegar' which are the little stringy things floating around in it. I was able to find mine at my local grocery store over with the condiments and pickles. But many people may have to go to a health food store to obtain the right kind.

Hope this information helps. Be sure to check out my last post for a real personal entry.

~*Melody"*~

Here We Go Again...

Well it's been a couple months now since our last miscarriage and it's time to hop back on the trying to conceive train. Again.....

So I'm not exactly thrilled about it, but I know it's something that we must do if we plan to use the next couple years effectively. I've yet to start back on the vitamins and supplements, but I have used my natural progesterone cream, plan to start the soy isoflavones on Thursday, and have added apple cider vinegar twice a day. We are still determined to stay on the natural side of treatments.

I think I'm healthy enough now to add some exercise back into my daily routine. Adding exercise has been proven to give your ovaries an added boost, so hey why not. I'd love to loose some weight, but I'm really not focused on that right now. I just want to be as healthy as I can be and hold my child in my arms. I know it's going to be hard getting myself to exercise again. It's been over a year now since I've even been healthy enough to attempt exercise. But it's time now.

Lately several people have challenged my faith in regards to stopping trying for our own child and going down the adoption route. It's very strange that so many different people would come at me with the adoption card all at the same time (this is not said in disrespect to anyone adopting or a child of adoption). Now I'm not against adoption in anyway and I'm not saying that we won't ever adopt a child, but right now I believe that God is telling us to wait. I'm waiting on His promises to us. It's a difficult thing to be in a constant state of waiting, but it is what God has told me to do and it's what I will continue to do, no matter how much it hurts.

Psalm 25:20-21

20 Keep my soul, and deliver me;

Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You.

21 Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,

For I wait for You.

Psalm 130:6 My soul waits for the Lord

More than those who watch for the morning—

Yes, more than those who watch for the morning.

Hear my heart Father and bless my complete faith and trust in You. I want you to use me for your glory Lord, even if that means showing myself and others the beauty of waiting on You. Be lifted up and glorified in me Lord. Let Your will be done and move Lord, move Lord. Let that latter rain fall afresh on me. I desire You Lord. I desire to hear Your sweet voice say, Child I am pleased with you. I want you to be pleased in me Lord and not just me pleased with me. Continue to help me Lord as I battle against this vessel of clay; this tug of the flesh that I'm constantly pulling against. So tonight I pray these words and scriptures over my life....may You and Your Word ever be alive in my life......In Jesus Name AMEN.

Goodnight Bloggers,

~*Melody*~